Top 100 best rated jokes

Top 100 best rated jokes 2017-07-10T15:52:20+00:00
81735

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

2017-04-10T15:16:28+00:00 10.4.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
43018

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.”

“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again.”

2017-07-01T13:35:23+00:00 1.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
35157

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say “Please get out of the pool.”

2017-07-03T14:03:18+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
33585

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him

2017-07-02T13:07:38+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |1 Comment
33026

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered.

“It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied.

“You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

2017-07-20T09:33:35+00:00 30.6.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
23315

2 reasons why I don’t give money to homeless people

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

2017-06-29T14:27:44+00:00 29.6.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
22172

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

2017-06-27T23:15:54+00:00 27.6.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
20586

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can’t remember her name, it was Reese something…

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

Edit: wow, I didn’t realize it would blow up like this. Just to be clear, even though it may be a repost, my mother told me this joke yesterday

2017-07-03T00:10:26+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19393

A pregnant woman is hit by a car….

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming,” Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital.”

She says,”My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?”

“I am sorry ma’am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them.”

“What??”, she says. “What did he name my daughter?”

“He named her ‘Denise’ ” says the doctor.

“Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name my son?”

To which the doctor replies, “He named him ‘Denephew’ “

2017-07-02T05:35:43+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18775

I like my coffee how I like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE

2017-07-08T00:42:47+00:00 8.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17236

Which one doesn’t belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can’t beat a blow job.

2017-07-07T01:18:27+00:00 7.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13666

A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender says “Oh hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!” The blind man says “same”

2017-06-30T23:36:12+00:00 30.6.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
7434

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

2017-07-09T22:08:46+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
5607

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

2017-07-06T14:18:17+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
4968

Boobs are like legos

They’re really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them

2017-07-02T15:49:34+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
4130

I’d give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn’t you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don’t have $1M.

2017-07-02T19:06:20+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
4108

In Jamaica

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Edit: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger! Now i gotta learn what to do with it:)

2017-07-01T20:33:26+00:00 1.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
3087

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, “25 point lead”.

“Is that your real name?”, she asked.

I said, “No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead.”

2017-07-09T17:50:24+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2751

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man…

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. “Now there are only two bears on this mountain,” the ranger explained. “One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?” The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.

The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male

2017-07-09T03:14:11+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2378

A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks:

“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

2017-07-09T23:23:20+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2120

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

2017-07-10T01:03:51+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1986

What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

2017-07-02T14:46:05+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1881

I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled…

but we shouldn’t elect them President.

2017-07-03T09:55:42+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1877

“Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?”

“I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize”

2017-07-09T15:58:50+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1858

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?”

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”

2017-07-02T18:25:55+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1834

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

2017-07-03T11:21:54+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1795

Today I happened to be in the area where I grew up so I went and checked out my old childhood home. I knocked and asked if I could look around a bit, but the owners said no and shut the door in my face.

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.

2017-07-03T21:17:35+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1678

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him “What is the capital of Germany?”

He replies “Berlin.”

She then asks “What is the capital of France?”

He replies “Berlin.”

She asks “What is the capital of Russia?”

He replies “Berlin.”

She then hugs him and says “Great job Adolf, you’ll do so well on your geography exam!”

2017-07-03T02:49:46+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1451

The term “Every 60 seconds in Africa…” is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don’t get seconds, they’re lucky if they get a single serving.

2017-07-09T14:24:41+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1118

An old joke lost in the comment section

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Edit: Courtesy of /u/gonna_splat

2017-07-03T09:17:21+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1116

The lost cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?”

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

2017-07-02T11:37:35+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1081

Why can’t Asian couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

2017-07-02T03:59:00+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1019

My girlfriend’s parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son’s 10th birthday party.

2017-07-03T05:05:30+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1010

So Little Billy’s rooster died

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

2017-07-03T10:44:17+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
990

If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian…

Then Soviet.

2017-07-02T17:03:13+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
900

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

“I want my wife dead, but I don’t want to do it myself, I’ll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me”.

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

“I don’t like your wife either, I’ll do it for a dollar”.

“Great”! He responds, “you can find her at Safeway Monday morning, good luck”.

**Monday morning**

Arty approaches his friend’s wife from behind, wraps his hands round her neck, and asphyxiates her to death. Pleased with himself, Arty turns around to find that one of the customers has seen the whole thing, so he does what is necessary and strangles her to death too. Accomplished, Arty walks round the corner to find the manager, peering through some shelves, he had witnessed the entire incident. Once again, Arty must take matters into account, and suffocates a second innocent bystander.

*Arty leaves*

Over the next few weeks, police find out about the entire thing.

Do you know what the headline in the paper was the following day?

**Arty chokes three for a dollar at Safeway**

2017-07-03T12:07:28+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
863

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn’t Greek

2017-07-06T17:19:09+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
830

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. “I think there’s an insect in my coochie!” she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort’s resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

“Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into your daughter’s vagina. It’s still alive, but it doesn’t look like it’ll be easy to extract without aggravating it and causing it to sting her.”

“What do we do!?” the dad asks.

“Well,” the doctor says, “Bees like honey. So if you just smear a little honey around the entrance of her privates, it might draw the thing out, and you can grab it with tweezers.” And the doctor hands the man a jar of honey and some tweezers.

“Oh no, Doc!” he says. “I’m not touching my girl like that down there! You’re the doctor. You do it!”

“Alright,” the doctor says. “I guess I can do it. But you should be present, in case…”

“No way! I don’t even want to watch this! I’ll wait outside.” Off the man goes. “Call me when it’s over.”

He expects it to be a quick procedure, but after five minutes there’s still no word. He pokes his head back in the door. The girl is moaning and squirming as the doctor gently, delicately smears honey around the entrance of her vagina, over and over. “I’m so sorry,” the doctor stammers awkwardly. “Unfortunately, she’s, um… getting so, um… lubricated from the, um… stimulation, the honey just dribbles right out again. I’ll have to go a little deeper.”

“Alright. Go ahead,” the guy says, “Just get it out of there!” And he leaves again.

Five minutes later, he pokes his head in again. Now the doctor is leaning over the young lady, with his arm behind her back and his cheek against her breasts, holding her steady while he thrusts two fingers inside her as deep as they can go. She’s moaning and grinding and thrusting her pelvis around on the examination table.

“What the hell, Doc!?” the guy says.

“Well, um… the problem now is, she keeps climaxing from the stimulation of inserting the honey, and the, um… fluids are making the honey leak right out again. So I had to go even deeper. Since she keeps tightening up so much, this was the only angle, I could… well, you know. I’m so sorry.”

“Okay,” the father says. “Weird, but I guess you know what you’re doing.” He leaves.

Five minutes later, the guy hears outright screams of ecstasy coming from the doctor’s office. He throws the door open and finds the doctor on top of the young woman fucking the shit out of her. “What the hell is going on here!?” he demands to know.

“Change of plans!” the doctor says, thrusting away. “We’re gonna drown that little fucker!”

2017-07-03T17:19:17+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
825

There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.

This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

2017-07-03T01:21:01+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
815

[NSFW] An Italian woman, a USA woman and an Irish woman are talking about sex

**Italian Woman**: *I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him “Mario, your balls are so hot!”*

**USA Woman**: *And so what? Does it work?*

**Italian Woman**: *If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I’m just so happy!*

The USA woman seems very interested in it, and says she’ll do that.

The next day the three women meet again.

**USA Woman**: *You won’t believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him “John, you balls are so hot!”. He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row!*

At this point the Irish woman is convinced and decides to try that herself.

The next day the three women meet again. They find the Irish woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered.

Her two friends asked her what happened.

**Irish Woman**: *I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: “Sean, why your balls are not as hot as Mario’s and John’s?”*

2017-07-09T18:10:37+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
789

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”

Father: “That’s great, son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”

Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with four girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He isn’t your father.”

2017-07-02T17:08:09+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
702

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines…

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

2017-07-03T10:29:46+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
686

I signed up for binary 101

but it turns out it’s a level 5 course

2017-07-04T02:40:19+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
646

What do you call flying solo in the mile high club?

A Hijacking.

2017-07-03T20:14:13+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
641

Do you know who i am?

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No

Girl: I’m the principal’s daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No

Boy: Good (*walks away)

2017-07-04T02:09:12+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|0 Comments
641

An elderly man walks into confession and says…

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!”

2017-07-03T01:28:07+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
629

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

2017-07-06T15:48:33+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
550

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

“Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?”

“Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn’t see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan.”

“How do you know that?”

“He told me as he was running off.”

2017-07-02T16:17:41+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
546

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?” “Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?” “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?” The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

2017-07-04T06:10:44+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
541

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator…

Only a fraction of people will think this is funny, though.

2017-07-02T16:15:59+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
531

What did the french man say to his wife?

I dunno, I’m just some Aussie cunt trying to get upvotes

2017-07-09T11:52:27+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
499

What’s the difference between having the same job for 20 years and having the same wife for 20 years?

The job still blows.

2017-07-02T15:39:48+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
484

How does a cannibal say hello?

He offers you a handshake.

2017-07-03T10:12:03+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
473

A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

2017-07-09T21:12:04+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
467

Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.”Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.””Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

2017-07-06T14:56:27+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
466

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

2017-07-03T13:35:40+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
460

friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said “I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!” The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said “that’s nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she’s still screaming!”

2017-07-06T21:39:42+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
438

A boy asks his father, “Dad, why is my sister named Rose?”

“Because your mother loves roses,” says his father.

“Thanks, dad.”

“No problem, Karen.”

2017-07-10T12:59:27+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
434

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. “Can you all see me now?” He asks them.
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”

2017-07-10T04:10:57+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
427

Disappointment is always a click away

2017-07-10T11:30:58+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
417

Me and my german girlfriend like to rate our sex from 1 to 10

Last night we tried anal and she kepted yelling nine, best score i’ve gotten so far

2017-07-03T03:54:37+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
411

Everything is bigger in Texas

A guy in Canada hears the saying’ “Everything is bigger in Texas” and decides to drive down there and find out if it’s true. He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant. He orders a small French fries and small cola. The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries. The Canadian says, “But I order a small fries and drink!” The cashier replies, “Everything is bigger in Texas.” So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel. He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey. The Canadian says, “But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!” The bartender replies, “Everything is bigger in Texas.” So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk. Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, “Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?” The bartender says, “Go through that door. Take a left and two rights and you’ll be right there.” However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water. He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, “Don’t flush! don’t flush!”

2017-07-06T14:18:42+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
400

My brother asked me to describe myself in 3 words…

Lazy

2017-07-09T22:38:51+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
397

I hate it when people mix up Your and You’re.

Their so stupid.

2017-07-03T10:24:11+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
387

That’s a nice ham you got there.

It’d be a shame if someone put an “s” before it and an “e” after it.

2017-07-09T21:07:45+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
373

Parents have “the talk” with their 7 year old son.

Mom: ‘Finn, your father and I have decided to have a talk about sex.’

Finn: ‘Okay, what do you want to know?’

2017-07-03T19:13:41+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
370

There was no punchline.

There was no punchline.

2017-07-06T19:28:00+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
367

My bacon kept curling in the frying pan

so I took away their little brooms and rocks.

2017-07-02T19:28:28+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
356

What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

2017-07-09T22:29:49+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
343

“Jesus is watching you!”

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he’s walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,

*”Jesus is watching you!”*

Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there’s a birdcage with a parrot in it. The thief breathes a sigh of relief and continues on his search for valuables.

*”Jesus is watching you!”* the parrot says again. “Shush, be quiet you!” the thief said in a hushed voice, all the while still looking for stuff to take.

*”Jesus is watching you!”* the parrot exclaims again. The thief is irritated now, so he decides to go over and deal with the bird before something happens.

As he makes it to the cage, he notices the name *JUDAS* on the side of the cage.

“What kind of idiot names his pet parrot *JUDAS*?”

*”The same idiot who names his rottweiler Jesus!”* replied the parrot…

2017-07-04T08:36:23+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
337

A little girl sits on Santa’s lap.

In a jolly manner, Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?”

The girl replies without hesitation: “I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says “But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken.”

The girl looks at Santa and with incredible confidence, states: “No Santa, Barbie only fakes it with Ken.”

2017-07-04T12:07:19+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
329

A feminist once asked me…

“What’s your view on lesbians?”

I said, “1080p.”

2017-07-06T21:34:56+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
325

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

a receding hare line.

2017-07-09T22:15:35+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
321

What goes ‘boooooo’ ‘boooooo’?

A cow with a stuffy nose…

2017-07-03T20:03:22+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
303

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

…but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

2017-07-03T16:51:11+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
302

Apparently, someone in Detroit gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

2017-07-03T10:21:10+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
292

What did the doctors use to keep 4 Romans alive?

IVs

2017-07-03T14:02:13+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
292

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that’s what happens when you get a second hand clock

2017-07-04T05:12:12+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
288

I saw a rock the other day that has been painted on..

The words: Turn me Over —–>

I turn the rock over then it says:

“You just took orders from a rock

Are you stoned?”

2017-07-03T08:34:28+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
273

Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

2017-07-09T19:40:56+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
272

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child’s

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

‘sir is it your legs’

and the man goes

‘no’
‘its my kidneys’

2017-07-03T16:26:13+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
268

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

2017-07-09T21:01:24+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
244

Juggling

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

2017-07-02T20:29:51+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
241

Finally, I am no longer a 21 year-old virgin

As of today I am a 22 year-old one!

2017-07-04T08:13:02+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
240

I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields.

They still came out pretty grainy.

2017-07-03T21:16:21+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
229

How do you confuse a gay person?

seven

2017-07-09T22:47:06+00:00 9.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
228

A man goes into a job interview.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, “Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?”

The man replied, “Oh, that’s when I went to Yale.”

The employer is even more impressed. “That’s great, you’re hired!”

The man is super happy and says “Yay, I got a yob!”

2017-07-03T11:33:32+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
219

“Hey, it smells like updog in here.”

“Oh yeah, weird.”

2017-07-10T12:50:50+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
214

What’s black, white, and red all over?

My bleeding, dandruff ridden scalp

2017-07-10T11:33:25+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
189

Why did the riot police like to leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

2017-07-06T22:51:13+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
181

Person A: Knock knock.

Person B: Who’s there?

Person A: Person A.

Person B: Oh, hi! Come on in.

2017-07-10T11:26:55+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
180

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes…

I still do, but I used to too

2017-07-10T05:01:42+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
178

A clown held open a door for me today.

I thought it was a nice jester.

2017-07-02T22:12:06+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
175

I went to my first Fight Club last week.

I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.

2017-07-03T22:32:44+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
170

What do you get when you cross a hooker and a genius?

A fucking know it all.

2017-07-06T19:44:05+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
170

Yea, right.

Johnny was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the owner behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and he stopped.”

“Except what?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me ! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick.'”

“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” Johny asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

“Ahh, but you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

“Voodoo dick, get back in your box!”

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Johnny: “I’ll take it!”

The old man resisted, saying “it wasn’t for sale”, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. John took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say…

“Voodoo dick, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another […]

2017-07-04T12:19:00+00:00 4.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
167

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

2017-07-07T01:48:58+00:00 7.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
166

Heres a bit of advice:

advi

2017-07-03T17:03:43+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
160

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees…

2017-07-06T10:42:39+00:00 6.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
157

What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn’t Trump’s daughter, I would date her.

2017-07-10T04:06:26+00:00 10.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments