talking jokes

A guy’s talking to a girl in a bar

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He says, “What’s your name?”

She says, “Carmen.”

He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”

She says, “No, I named myself.”

He says, “Why Carmen?”

She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He says, “Beerfuck.”

2017-08-03T10:23:14+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

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The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ’cause my pee barely trickles out.”

“Heck, that’s nothing,” said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible”.

The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don’t wake up till eleven.” 😢

2017-08-03T10:18:47+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

Talking dog for sale.

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A man is driving along a country road, when he spies a sign that reads “Talking Dog For Sale”. He pulls into a long dirt driveway, up to an old rickety shack. He knocks on the front door and the grizzly old owner answers it. “I saw your sign about the talking dog for sale. Is he here?” “Sure, out back”. So the guy walks onto the back porch, sees a golden lab in the yard, and says “Are you the talking dog?” “Who wants to know?” After recovering from the shock of actually hearing a dog talk, the man asks him “So, what’s your story?” “Well, I learned I could talk at a very early age, so decided that I wanted to help out our government. I flew all over the world, attending conferences of foreign dignitaries, going into terrorist camps, listening in on all sorts of classified conversations, and reporting back to my contacts at the FBI. I did this for 8 years, but got tired of flying so much, so decided to cut back. I took on a wife, had 7 kids, and for the next few years did undercover work at the local airport, listening in for suspicious activity.”. The guy asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. “10 bucks” he’s told. “Why only 10 dollars?”. “That dog is a liar. He’s never been out of the yard”.

2017-08-02T04:57:09+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

Several years ago me and a few friends were talking when I ended the conversation with a funny zinger which made everyone laugh. “Jesus take the wheel,” I said and everyone burst out in laughter.

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We were talking about my dear friend who had just died in a head on car crash.

I miss you, Jonathan. Rest in peace.

2017-07-26T20:05:33+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
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