A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
It takes budding entrepreneurs to start a marijuana company
It takes time for a clock to work properly.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.
” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.
As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade left by the gravedigger.
Tripping on the spade, he falls into the grave, landing heavily on the coffin. As fear grips his heart, he scrambles to climb from the grave, only to be flung headlong out onto the mound of dirt lying beside the grave. In terror, he turns to see a black coffin, standing vertically by the foot of the grave.
Screaming, he turns and runs at a full sprint in the opposite direction, ignoring the whip of low-lying tree branches on his neck and face. In the midst of his flight of terror, he hears a rhythmic ‘THUMP, THUMP’ following him. Turning mid stride, he sees the coffins now pursuing him, bounding effortlessly over headstones and leaving deep indentations where it lands.
Squeezing what little power he has left from his legs, he vaults the perimeter wall of the graveyard in a single vault. Glancing behind, he sees the coffin barrel straight through the wall, doing the same to the house gate he hastily bolts behind himself. Reaching the front door of his home, he fumbles for the right key, hands shaking and scratching the wood surrounding the keyhole.
Not bothering to close the door behind him, he sprints headlong up the stairs, thinking this obstacle would be enough to stop his pursuer. With a strangely pensive cadence the coffin moves up the stairs, taking them three at a time.
With the certainty of his demise becoming evident, he rushes to the cabinet in the bathroom at the top of the landing, desperately looking for a weapon to defend himself.
Rummaging blindly, his hand brushes and bumps past bandages, bottles of pills, searching for something as his eyes remained locked on his demise as it reaches the top of the stairs.
Just as his last hope begins to fade, his hand grasps a solid object, a large glass bottle of cough syrup. As the coffin reaches the door of bathroom, he raises his hand and throws the heavy bottle in a last act of defiance, breaking it on the lid of his pursuer.
And just like that, the coffin stops.
They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it’s all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.
“Wait! We should have used a condom! You don’t have AIDS, do you!?”
The guy says, “No. I’m clean.”
“Whew,” the blonde girl says. “Good thing. I sure wouldn’t want to catch that shit twice!”
Hey guys, thanks for reading my joke. I couldn’t think of a second part to put here after the title, but if you liked it anyway please leave an up vote, down vote if you didn’t etc. Id also reccomend checking out r/antiantijokes if you haven’t yet – it’s a real crack up. Shout out to Malta for allowing gay marriage – congrats guys. Great country. All right, I’m off – happy redditing.
it’s because she’s masturbating
I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan gosling
I was shagging her from behind the other night and started slapping her on the ass screaming, “Who’s your daddy, who’s your daddy!”
“Fuck off” she replied, “You know who our daddy is.”