I couldn’t stop sniffing Tipp-ex, so I’ve booked myself into a correction centre.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
Shoot it in the head
Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help…
She didn’t stand a chance against the 6 of us
So I got a vasectomy
“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said.
“Fuck off!” He shouted back.
“What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.
Because 36 is just too many.
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, “You know, it works better if you just stand in it”…
Because I hit him with a car that I stole from some old woman.
I’m now on death row, charged with first degree murder, irresponsible driving, driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs, driving without an MOT, driving without insurance and grand theft auto. They later found out I had also commited felony tax fraud and I had killed somebody’s entire family besides them, therefore adding 10 counts of first degree murder.
Give me ideas on what my last meal should be
Make them sleep in the dungeon.