You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.
They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.
The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes and the top of his head. Six feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 720,000.
The second asked to be measured between his head’s outstretched hands and his toes. Eight feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 960,000.
Meanwhile, the first general had been informed. And when asked the third general where they had to measure, he said: “From the top of my penis to the bottom of my balls.” “Good,” said the man, “but then I’ll pick up a medical officer.”
The medical officer ordered: “Put your pants down!” And the general did this. The officer placed the start of the ribbon gauge against the tip of his penis and began to work underneath. “Jesus”, he said, “where are your balls?”
“In Vietnam”, the general replied.
A few important facts about retirements that actually makes it seem like a prospect looking forward to…
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday and Sunday, I rest……..