Pope jokes

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

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The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope’s life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.

The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
“My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions.”

“What are the conditions, Your Holiness?”

“First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind.”

“It will be so, what about the next condition?”

“For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf.”

“Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?”

“Big tits.”

2017-08-19T19:52:34+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

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The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him

2017-08-19T15:34:31+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

Mufti debates Pope

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.

**The Pope**: Raised his hand and showed three fingers.

**The Mufti**: Raised one finger.

**The Pope** : Waved his finger around his head.

**The Mufti**: Pointed to the ground where he sat.

**The Pope**: Brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

**The Mufti**: Pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.” He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!” Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.” He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.” I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.” He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.” He beat me at every move and I could not continue!”

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he’d won.” I haven’t a clue,” the Mufti said.” First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.” Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!” “And then what?” asked a woman.”Who knows?” said the Mufti. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

2017-08-13T07:28:59+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

The 7 Dwarves and the Pope

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The seven dwarfs woke up one day and they were all excited because they got to go see the Pope that day.

So they got to the Vatican and pushed Dopey up to the pope and said, “Ask him , ask him!” Dopey asked, “Pope, are there any nuns in Alaska?” and the Pope said, “Ya there are some nuns there!” but Bashful stood and said, “No, ask him the real question!”

So Dopey asked the Pope, “Are there any black nuns in Alaska?” And the Pope said, “Yes, there are some black nuns in Alaska!” but Doc jumped up and said, “Ask him the real question before you get 6 ass whoopings!”

So Dopey asked the Pope, “Are there any black, midget nuns in Alaska?” and the Pope thought, and the Pope thought, and he said, “No, Dopey I’m sorry there aren’t!”

Dopey turned the other way looking very disappointed to see the other 6 dwarfs dancing and singing childishly saying, “Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!”

2017-07-31T15:57:00+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car…

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As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

“No, no!” exclaimed the Pope, “I couldn’t possibly!”

The driver wouldn’t take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they went, leaving the pope-mobile and the bewildered security team behind.

“This is wonderful, the greatest car I’ve ever driven!” The Pope cried, as they wound through the city, going faster and faster. Eventually excitement got the better of him and he put his foot to the floor, racing over the Brooklyn Bridge, smashing the speed limit. All of a sudden, flashing blue lights popped up in his mirror and a police officer signalled to pull over.

The officer sauntered up the car and began to speak but stopped, gobsmacked when he realised who was driving the car.

“Jesus!” he cried, “Wait right here!” He stumbled back to his squad car and grabbed at the radio, calling back to the precinct.

“Sir!” he said to his boss, “I’ve just pulled over a VIP for speeding, I don’t know what to do!”

“Well who is it? The mayor?”

“No sir, way more important than the mayor!”

“Who then? Brad Pitt?”

“More important sir!”

“Well is it the president?”

“No sir, more important than the president!”

“Well who on God’s green earth is more important than the president of the United States?”

“I don’t know sir, but this guy’s chauffeur is The Pope!”

2017-07-28T02:39:44+00:00 28.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

The Pope dies and ascends into heaven. St Peter mets him at the Pearly Gates and welcomes him into the fold.

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“Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?”

The Pope replied “I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore subject to human error. I’d like to know if you have records of what God actually said to His prophets so that I may fully understand His will.”

“Oh, we absolutely have that for you. Follow me” replied St. Peter. And the Pope was led into a room with towering shelves filled with leather bound books and scrolls of ancient parchments. The Pope was enthralled and threw himself into this new project. He spent hours every day for the next several years reading the works and gaining key new understanding of God’s plan.

But one day St Peter hears and anguished cry ring out from the room. He ran in and found the Pope sobbing and pounding his finger over and over onto a single word.

“Celebrate! Not celibate! The word was Celebrate!”

2017-07-05T00:37:44+00:00 5.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

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He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?”

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”

2017-07-02T18:25:55+00:00 2.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
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