NSFW jokes

A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

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Wife: “Come and play with me”
Man: “Okay…”

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren’t meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid the post up the woman’s ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong.

And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub.

2017-08-15T04:57:18+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

NSFW

18

Watched some really weird porn the other day: just a sad, fat naked guy masturbating. Then I realised the TV was off.

2017-08-13T06:40:16+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

NSFW

14

I was on a blind date with a Jewish girl at the end of the night she asked for my number .

Oh no , we just use names now .

2017-08-11T20:53:58+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

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A woman (we’ll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she gives birth to them – two girls and one boy. She names the girls Amy and Mel, and she names the boy Jake.
Their lives went well, without any problems. Until one day, when Sally hears a sound of something hard hitting porcelain. She assumes that it’s just the dog, but then Amy comes to her and looks white as a ghost. Sally asks: “What’s wrong?” Amy explains: “I was peeing, and then a bullet fell into the toilet!” Sally tells her what happened, and she calms down. A few days later, Mel comes to her with the same problem. Just like she did with Amy, she explains everything to Mel.
One week later, Jake runs up to her, looking just as scared as the girls were when the bullets in their bodies came out. Sally says: “Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out.”
Jake replies: “No, I was jacking off and shot the dog!”

2017-08-08T11:51:26+00:00 8.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

What happens when an old hooker lies in an alley? [NSFW]

1

She was upon the checkered stone bricks, legs partially spread open. No clothing covered her, leaving her leathery skin to bask in the waning rays of the sun. Gathered around her was a legion of cats, mostly adolescents who spent their days roaming the streets for scraps. And, between her varicose ridden legs was a large beagle, mercilessly penetrating her dry, decrepit vagina. Two kittens, not yet weaned, sucked her withered nipples from the ground.

Despite her erstwhile organs, she garnered great pleasure from the ring of horrific bestiality. Her crackling moans of delight just barely escaped past her chafed lips. All around her, the cats moved closer to her, staring intently at the fulfillment of the woman’s greatest sexual conquest. As the minutes past, she grew closer to coitus. After nearly 20 minutes she became filled with orgasmic pleasure. So loud that those atop the tallest buildings could hear, she moaned in glorious bliss. A vile yellow discharge spewed forth from her as she did, drenching the dog in the toxic hell of decades of shameful chastity following a promiscuous youth. Despite this, though, the mongrel followed the woman’s lead, ejaculating on top of her sagging chest.

As her pleasure faded, she fell limp upon the ground. The cats surrounded her. Recognizing the danger, the dog disappeared into the shadows of the city. In unison, the cats slashed at her exposed flesh with their right paw. A tsunami of blood instantaneously drenched the stones of the alley. No longer caring about the mysterious stranger watching her intercourse with animals, she tried to scream out for help. Nothing escaped her lips but a puff of air.

One of the cats, an older male, jumped atop her stomach. It’s hind paws drenched in yellow paste, it began tearing into the soft tissues of her abdomen. With ease, it burrowed through to the body cavity, ripping the intestines to shreds. The blackened remains of her rectum were thrust onto the pavement. Years of abuse had rendered her incontinent.

Pleased with his work, the large cat curled up inside of the rotten flesh of the newly birthed carcass. Her body was so damaged that as the cats began to feast upon her remains, their bodies became limp. Piles of vomit spewed from their tiny mouths, burying the woman in a sea of half-digested rat and corrosive stomach acid.

2017-08-05T07:49:01+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Turner Brown Long NSFW

24

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at
the Irishman and says: “7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds
of testicles, Turner Brown”

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The
big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him…..The big guy
says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you just say to me?”

The big dude says, “Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I’d
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me……………. I’m 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each….and my name is Turner
Brown”

The little white Irishman says:

“Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus………I thought you said,”Turn around!”

2017-08-02T05:33:19+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Jake and Dave on a camping trip (NSFW!)

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Jake and Dave were on a camping trip. On the last day of their trip, they couldn’t decide what to do. Jake wanted to go to the beach, Dave wanted to go hiking. So they split up for the day.

They met back up late at night at camp. Jake was like “Dude, my day was AWESOME! I went to the beach and there was this college volleyball team practicing all in the nude! They asked me to judge their games and I had the best time! We had a BBQ afterwards. It was great! How was your day?”.

Dave answered “Well, I went for a hike in the woods. At some point, I reached some train tracks and decided to walk along them. And I stumbled on a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, and we had sex all day! I fucked her from the front and from the back, and I had some titty fuck too!”.

Jake: “Did she blow you?”.

Dave: “Nope, I couldn’t find her head.”.

2017-08-01T16:48:59+00:00 1.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

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Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.

Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says “guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!”

The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says “Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!”

The third guy, a little hesitant, says “guys… I think I have the smallest penis in the world.”

They decide to make the trip together to the World Record Measuring studio.

The first guy goes in, and comes out with a certificate stating he has the smallest hands in the world. “See! I told you I had the smallest hands in the world!”

The second guy goes in, and he also comes out with a certificate. ” I knew it! My feet are the smallest in the world!”

The third guy goes in, but does not come out with a certificate. Instead he yells “WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN JOHNSON?!”

2017-07-31T04:02:24+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
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