named jokes

Once upon a time there was a king named King John…

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Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone’s gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom.

One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, “How are we going to solve this problem?”. The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, “I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do.” Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. “What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land.” “That’s a wicked idea” said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army.

Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it – more land for all (including the goat).

At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, “Don’t worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We’ll continue after breakfast”. So they did.

They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn’t have so much beer. The king wasn’t taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. “AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH” he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding […]

2017-08-18T03:40:18+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

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His order was renown for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam’s 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note…

And the next year on Sam’s birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery’s nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam’s notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam’s 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. “What happened?” he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. “Isn’t it obvious?” he said. “Sam sung Note 7.”

2017-07-14T21:46:27+00:00 14.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
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