Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
A morning kiss makes my whole day and anal makes my hole weak..
…a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen.”
The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishmen.”
With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice:
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishmen.”
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later:
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishmen.”
By this time, the English general had enough and was about to go down himself, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp.
As he reached his general he said, “Don’t send any more troops down, it’s a trap! THERE’S TWO OF THEM!”
Can you believe that, 3AM?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my electric guitar.
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much sir”
A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies add meets God.
“Will I die?” she asked.
“No,” God replied, “You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days.”
At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.
After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.
“What was that!?” she asked.
“What?” God responded, “You died.”
“You said I would live another 40 years!”
“Oh.” God thought for a while.
“I didn’t recognize you.”
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
“You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
“Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Edit: Works Two out of Three times. The Naked Man.