man jokes

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing…..

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He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God

2017-08-17T04:31:38+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

A man is walking home one foggy night,

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When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.

The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…

The coffin stops.

2017-08-17T02:14:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard…

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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

2017-08-16T15:53:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

A man walks into a bar

1

The bartender recognizes him as a regular but surprisingly he has a huge orange head.
“what the hell happened?” he asks.
“well I found a magic lamp on vacation and the genie inside gave me 3 wishes.”
The bartender’s eyes go wide.
“yep, my first wish was for twenty million dollars and bam! it was in my bank account. Then I wished to meet the love of my life, and the bam! I met my wife.”
The bartender laughed, “wow so those both sound great. What happened next?”
“well, for my third wish – and here’s where I think I messed up – I wished for a huge orange head”.

2017-08-16T07:47:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

One day, a man from Minnesota decided to move down to Texas to follow his dream of becoming a train conductor.

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On his first day on the job, he had brought a book with him to read. The book he brought to read was very interesting. So interesting, in fact, he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally hit an old lady on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over old ladies on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so the next day he went back to work. This time, he brought a different book to read. However, this book was very boring, and it put him to sleep. He was sleeping so deeply, he didn’t realize what was going on and accidentally hit a small child on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over small children on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so, he once again walked free. He went back to work, and instead of bringing a book, he brought a paddle ball to play with. However, as he was playing with it, it hit him in the head, knocking him out. Because of this, he couldn’t stop the train as it hit the mayor on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over the mayor on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And finally, the executioner turned and said to him: “I don’t understand, why is it still not working?”

The man looked at him and said:

“I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

2017-08-16T03:45:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

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On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, “Please God, let me find a way to feed my family”.

At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight down towards the Mexican man.

When the Mexican man opened his eyes, lo-and-behold, there was a gigantic wheel of cheese at his feet. Overjoyed, he picked up the cheese and ran all the way home. He showed his wife the cheese and said “Look what God has provided us! The most glorious cheese I have ever seen! And, my fair wife, we must make Nachos with this cheese!”

The wife looked perplexed, and asked, “Why husband? Why must we make nachos?”

The man stood up and proclaimed, “Because God talked to me. As I was running home, he kept telling me “That’s Not’cho Cheese!!! That’s Not’cho Cheese!!!”

(Can’t remember the comedian who told this on tv like 25 years ago. But best joke ever)

2017-08-15T22:39:36+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
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