A cult is a monogamous relationship in how you’re not allowed to keep seeing your other loved ones
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,
‘Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Would you silently judge me before responding?
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’
Which is trying not to die.
Is an awful thing to say at the funeral of a drug addict who overdosed