King jokes

Once upon a time there was a king named King John…

1

Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone’s gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom.

One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, “How are we going to solve this problem?”. The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, “I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do.” Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. “What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land.” “That’s a wicked idea” said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army.

Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it – more land for all (including the goat).

At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, “Don’t worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We’ll continue after breakfast”. So they did.

They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn’t have so much beer. The king wasn’t taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. “AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH” he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding […]

2017-08-18T03:40:18+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

24

A King enrolled his donkey in a race
& won.

Local paper read:
‘KING’s ASS WON’
The king was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he gave the donkey
to the queen.

The local paper then read:
“QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN
TOWN”
The king fainted….
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer
for 10$.

Next day paper read:
“QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10”
The queen fainted…

The next day king ordered the queen
to buy back the donkey and leave it
in jungle.

The Next Headlines:
“QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
FREE & WILD”
The king died… !

2017-08-11T08:35:04+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

13

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
– You can make one phone call, but you’d have to pay for it, – says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who’s the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $100,000, – says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $1,000,000, – says the devil.
The network admin is the last one to call. He askes how are all the servers working, were there any problems and discusses every one of them in details. All in all it took him several hours to finish the call.
– This call will cost you $10.50, – says the devil.
-What? Why? How? – the king and the businessman resent, – He talked so much longer than we did!
The devil answers:
– There is no charge for roaming when you call from hell to hell.

2017-07-21T15:14:17+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife’s potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt…

17

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop their pants.

Incredibly, all of their dicks are cut off, except Sir Lancelot. King Arthur, furious, yells at his knights, “See! Look how none of you are trustworthy around my wife. How dare you all to betray me! I shall have you all demoted, except for Sir Lancelot, my dearest, truest friend. Thank you for keeping my trust, good noble sir. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”

…But Sir Lancelot could not speak.

2017-07-16T20:15:27+00:00 16.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
Load More Posts