Johnny jokes

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

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The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: “What are waiting for Johnny?”

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What’s wrong Johnny, why did you stop at 5?

Johnny: “Because I feel so bad for 6!”

Teacher: “Why do you feel bad for it?”

Johnny: ” O-On the news this m-morning it said ‘6 died in major car crash'”

2017-08-16T15:21:22+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter…

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A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says

“Maybe you will learn something.” So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks “Well, Johnny, did you learn anything today?”

“Yeah! A lot” said little Johnny. His mom says “Tell me about it, what did you learn?

“Well, its not easy to put up a door. You try to put the mother fucker up but that shit doesn’t fit, so you take it down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you put that cocksuckin bitch back up.”

Johnny’s mother, in shock, exclaims angrily “Johnny! That’s terrible! Just wait till your father gets home!”

A few hours later his father comes home and little Johnny tells him the same story. His father gets really upset and says “Johnny! Go out back and fetch me a switch!”

Little Johnny replies “Fuck you, that’s the electrician’s job!”

2017-08-16T11:52:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

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When the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“What? I have no idea” said the stranger.

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

2017-08-16T10:50:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Little Johnny goes to a Whorehouse

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Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her

Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please

Madame: I’m sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What’s your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.

Johnny: No ma’am. I want a hooker

Madame: I can’t let you. you’re way too young

So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.

Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with

Johnny: Don’t worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.

Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don’t think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls

So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents

Madame: OK fine. I’ll take you to Jenny’s room and you can have fun with her

Johnny: Great. Thanks!

So Johnny goes to Jenny’s room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him

Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?

Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.

When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases

When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases

Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE’S GONNA GET WHAT’S COMING TO HIM

2017-08-12T22:06:34+00:00 12.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

How did Johnny spike the punch the at the party.

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With extra strong hold hair gel. This made the punch very happy, because he had been growing out his hair for a while but could never seem to style it right. The Punch then went on to have an the best fight on his career in the wrestling ring, his super stylish hairdo gave him the confidence to talk to that girl he was eyeing the other night at the party.

Oh and as for Johnny? He was found dead from alcohol poisoning this morning. The only one who went to his funeral was The Punch, because Johnny never was good at making friends. Frankly The Punch wasn’t even Johnny’s friend. They had only known each other for that one night when The Punch was running late to the party and needed someone to help with his hair.

The funeral was an extraordinarily sad service on several accounts. Mainly that there was no one there though. Johnny was buried under the ol’ Oak Tree, and The Punch never forgot how one simple act of kindness got him the fame and girl of his dreams.

Johnny, now a ghost (because he died stupid, remember) was not feeling as well as The Punch. See, what The Punch didn’t know is that the girl from the party was actually Johnny’s girlfriend. Johnny was a big fan of the Punch and wanted to help him in a time of need, but after he spiked his hair, he saw the way they were looking at each other. Johnny had been going through some tough times with his girlfriend. He had lost his job the month before and turned to bottles. He didn’t even tell his girlfriend at first. During what would have been work hours he went straight to the bar.

It wasn’t until two days prior that she found out. That is why Johnny took her to the party. He wanted to prove to her that he could live a successful life and by getting into such a prestigious party he thought he could do so. By talking to The Punch his goal was to network and possibly get a job as a personal stylist. That all changed when he saw the way they were looking at each other. In despair he drank himself to death and was found dead a mile away outside the park.

Johnny wanted his vengeance. He vowed to haunt his ex and The Punch for now on. He would open and close doors. Knock over objects sitting on tables, and do various ghostly things. Unfortunately for Johnny The Punch was a man of God and called on the local priest to come and cleanse the house of its evil spirit. Johnny’s sad soul was no match for the power of the Lord, and was swiftly banished from haunting the earth and sent straight to the depths of hell for all eternity. And they all lived happily ever after.

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TL/DR: Understandable…

2017-07-27T17:41:09+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Little Johnny…

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runs to his older sister.
Johnny: “I know why girls don’t have a penis, it drops away when they get older.”
Sister: “Wait, how did you come up with this, Johnny?”
Johnny: “Well I went into your room and found yours under the bed!”

2017-07-26T20:00:25+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

Little Johnny comes home from school

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He says to his father, “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”

“What happened?” the father asks.

“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7×9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9×7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fucking difference?’ ”

“What is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

The next day, Johnny comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.

“Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”

“Why?” asks the father.

Johnny explains, “Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘The fuck am I suppose to do, stand on my dick!?'”

“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

The next day, Little Johnny asks his father “Did you go to the school?”

“No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”

Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“The fuck was the art teacher doing there?” asks the father.

“That’s what I asked!” said Little Johnny.

2017-07-19T05:42:31+00:00 19.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
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