John jokes

Once upon a time there was a king named King John…

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Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone’s gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom.

One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, “How are we going to solve this problem?”. The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, “I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do.” Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. “What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land.” “That’s a wicked idea” said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army.

Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it – more land for all (including the goat).

At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, “Don’t worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We’ll continue after breakfast”. So they did.

They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn’t have so much beer. The king wasn’t taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. “AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH” he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding […]

2017-08-18T03:40:18+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north…

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After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed.” she explained. “And I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Keith.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Well, she just died and left me everything.”

2017-07-17T14:10:26+00:00 17.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.

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The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

2017-07-03T16:50:38+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

John is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river…

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He walks into the river, finally bumping into the preacher…

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks John, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” John shouts, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” John replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?” John answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks John again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up…

The preacher again asks John, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

John staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

2017-07-03T16:09:21+00:00 3.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
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