husband jokes

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

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On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have good jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have good jobs and are attractive.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

2017-08-22T04:55:32+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A husband and wife were in a shipwreck and ended up on a desert island…

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After a few months of isolation, the man and woman noticed a raft bobbing in the waves. When the raft landed, a man emerged, yet another victim of a shipwreck. The man and woman welcome the newcomer.

“We’ve made things as comfortable for us as we can”, the man told the new guy. “We have a shelter, tools, plenty of fruit and wild animals to eat. We’ve even built a watch tower to watch for passing ships. In fact, having a 3rd person here will greatly help with watchtower shifts. Why don’t you take first shift?”

The new guy climbs the tower and starts scanning the horizon. Soon, he looks down at the couple and yells, “Hey! No fucking!”

“We’re not. We are cleaning fish!” They reply.

A little while later, from the watchtower they hear, “Hey! Stop fucking down there!”

“We are only chopping firewood!” The couple reply.

By and by, from the watchtower again, “Hey! I thought y’all weren’t fucking!”

“We aren’t!”, they yell. “We are sharpening sticks!”

After a time, the husband of the couple climbs the tower. “Alright, new guy. Get some rest. I’ll take over from here.”

The new guy climbs down. After awhile, the husband looks down. “Ha… It DOES look like they’re fucking from up here!”

2017-08-10T04:55:55+00:00 10.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

One day, a violent husband leaves his wife.

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She posts an ad in a local newspaper: “Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed.”
Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there’s a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs.
“Hi. I think I’m a perfect man for you. I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you, and because I have no legs, I can’t run away.”
“But are you good in bed?” she asks.
He just smiles and says: “Well how do you think I knocked?”

2017-08-09T11:14:27+00:00 9.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

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He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.

Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

2017-07-31T13:37:29+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

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“Does he hit you?” she asked.

“No Ma.”

“Is he cheating on you?”

“No Ma.”

“Did he lose his money?”

“No Ma.”

“You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?”

“It’s the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex.”

“And what’s so bad about that?”

“It’s terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it’s the size of a quarter. It’s just terrible.”

“It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents.”

2017-07-29T21:22:29+00:00 29.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
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