horse jokes

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse…

1

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was close”

Fortunately, Bill was a horse and knew better than to run off a cliff, and so the cowboy’s ill-considered use of the word woah in this context had no negative repercussions.

2017-08-16T09:39:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse…

22

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was *clo–*

2017-08-16T02:30:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV…

18

He’s watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says “that looks amazing, I want to do that!”

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play guitar.” Says the horse.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

“Hey Chicken, come over!” he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it’s pretty cool.

Chicken watches the music video and says “hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that.”

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” Says the chicken.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the chicken. “I’m a chicken.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something’s missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they’ve been up to. Cow thinks it’s pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play bass guitar.” Says the cow.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the cow. “I’m a cow.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they’re practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says “hey, you guys are pretty good! I’m from a record label, I’d like to sign you!”

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns […]

2017-08-11T16:22:43+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

A horse walks into a bar

1

The horse goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender grabs a beer and the horse pays, but the horse orders another 10 minutes later. The horse pays for the beer once again, and orders another after 15 minutes pass by.

The bartender decides to attempt to talk to the horse because he seems to be in a bad mood. The bartender puts his elbow on the table and says to the horse, “why the long face.”

The horse replies by depicting how his life turned to shit. Margaret left him because he had an affair with another horse who turned out to be 17, which got him thrown in jail for statutory rape. His children are disgusted by him because Margaret filled their heads with lies after the divorce, and he was recently fired from his job. He got kicked out of his home and is living on the street, with barely enough money to survive, but he decided to spend the rest on beer and end his miserable life by jumping off a building once he had finished.

The bartender walks away, and the horse finishes his drink before committing suicide later that night.

2017-08-05T01:33:52+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
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