hell jokes

Hell

18

A man arrives in hell after having just been murderd by his wife for cheating on her with over a thousand other women.

The Devil arrives and greets the man. He tells him “as the one millionth arrival this month you get to pick the Hell in which you shall live out eternity. You will be shown five individual hells and you must chose one”.

The Devil leads the man to the individual hell chambers. At the first one the door opens into a chamber where an old, withered looking man is chain naked, spreadeagle to a wall and in front of him is a machine spitting acid globs at him, burning him slowly forever. The Devil waits for a moment then closes the door…”Next!” he says.

At the next chamber the door opens up to reveal a similar scene as the first; an old withered looking man is chained, naked and spread eagle to the wall but this time there is no acid spitting machine. Instead in this one oil is being poured onto the mans head in a slow steady stream, running into his eyes and covering his nose and mouth periodically. By the look in his eye this is clearly tortuous so and the man shivers and looks away…”Next!” The Devil says and then move on.

The 3rd chamber opens to a similar scene, an old man chained to the wall, naked and spreadeagled. There is no acid machine or oil here but instead, to the man’s surprise, there is a beautiful tanned blonde lady, naked, sitting at the chained up old mans feet giving him a blowjob. Unsurprisingly the guy chained up looks rather happy with his lot in hell.

The man at the door stares in disbelief and immediately says “This one”.

The Devil turns to him and says “Are you sure? This is the third of five. There are others from which you may choose.”

“I’m sure” says the man.

“OK” says the Devil who then turns back to the chamber and says “OK Lady, you’re done here. We’ve got a replacement for you”.

2017-08-16T09:43:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

Vladamir Putin, Donald Trump, and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

21

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it’s for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Donald Trump calls America and talks for 2 hours.
When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6
million dollars, so The Don writes him a check. Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he’s talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for 20 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that his cost would be $1.
When Trump and Putin hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Kim Jong Un got to call North Korea for so cheap. The devil replied, “Well, from hell to hell it’s local.”

2017-08-13T07:44:37+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments

A young man died and went to Hell…

1

It’s a city in Michigan about an hour away from Detroit. It’s where his family had lived for generations, and his mother wanted him buried in the family plot even though the last time they spoke he essentially disowned her over her decision to stay with his abusive step father. The step father drank upon hearing the news, but you couldn’t really tell that day from any other Tuesday.

2017-08-12T10:28:55+00:00 12.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A man dies and ends up in Hell.

22

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.

The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn’t have much appeal so the man moves to the next door. There he finds a similar scene but everyone is on their heads on rough hewn wooden floors. The man moved on as that looked worse. The third door revealed a vast chasm with far fewer people, all of whom are knee deep in shit drinking coffee. The man thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell and hey, free coffee, so he chooses that door.

He gets settled in with his cup and his personal plot of shit and starts to relax a bit, when suddenly an inhuman voice booms through the area; “Alright everyone, breaks over, back on your heads!

2017-08-03T22:30:44+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

13

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer.
“Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.
“The bottle has a hole in it!”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.
“And it’s missing three keys,”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”

2017-07-23T13:53:12+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

13

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
– You can make one phone call, but you’d have to pay for it, – says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who’s the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $100,000, – says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $1,000,000, – says the devil.
The network admin is the last one to call. He askes how are all the servers working, were there any problems and discusses every one of them in details. All in all it took him several hours to finish the call.
– This call will cost you $10.50, – says the devil.
-What? Why? How? – the king and the businessman resent, – He talked so much longer than we did!
The devil answers:
– There is no charge for roaming when you call from hell to hell.

2017-07-21T15:14:17+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

Three men die and go to hell

45

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio “Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice.”
The men are quickly escorted to their rooms by Satan’s henchmen.
The first man, an alcoholic, arrives at his room. The door is opened by Satan himself and he is pushed into a space a few miles across lined with row after row of only the most premium vodka, rum, whiskey and gin. He is pushed in and the door locked behind him.
The second man, a sex addict, is brought to another room. The door is opened and he is met by hundreds of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, all immediately willing to jump his bones. He is pushed in and the door shut behind him.
The third man, a pothead and serious burnout, is brought to his room, full of the highest quality bud, piled into a mountain thousands of feet tall and miles across, with rolling papers in mile long rolls along the edge of the room. He is pushed in and the door locked behind them.

Soon enough, a decade, a century, and a millennia pass by and Satan makes his rounds to free the men. He opens the first door to see bottles strewn about and piles of thousand year old vomit everywhere, and a man passed out in his own filth. The man soon awakens, jumps up and yells “I’m sober, I swear I’m never having a drink again!”

Satan opens the second door, and immediately the man runs out, chased by a flock of horny women screaming “I’m gay! I’m gay! My dick shrivelled up and fell off three hundred years ago, I swear, I’m gay!”

Satan opens the third door, and is very surprised when the man doesn’t come out. He peers in and sees nothing but the intact mount ganja. Satan quickly ascends the mountain of dank and meets the third man at the summit.
Satan asks “you had a whole mountain of the best pot in the universe, why haven’t you touched any of it?!”
A single tear rolls down the mans cheek. “You didn’t give me a lighter”

2017-07-14T23:34:31+00:00 14.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
Load More Posts