friends jokes

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

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When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match!”

2017-08-09T15:53:23+00:00 9.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

Several years ago me and a few friends were talking when I ended the conversation with a funny zinger which made everyone laugh. “Jesus take the wheel,” I said and everyone burst out in laughter.

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We were talking about my dear friend who had just died in a head on car crash.

I miss you, Jonathan. Rest in peace.

2017-07-26T20:05:33+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends…

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And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, “Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?”

The mother replies, “Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat.”

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling each other bitch and bastard. The next day, he asks his father, “Dad, what is bitch and bastard?”

“Well son,” the father replies, “bitch Is a word like lady, and bastard is like a gentleman.”

A few days later, Thanksgiving day comes, and everyone is getting ready. The boy passes by his dad shaving in the bathroom, who cuts himself and exclaimed, “shit!”

So the boy asks, “Dad, what does shit mean?”

And the father simply says, “Oh, that’s just the type of shaving cream I use.”

The boy then passes by the kitchen, where his mother is carving the turkey, who also cuts herself with the knife saying, “Fuck!”

And again, the boy asks, “Mom, what is fuck?”

“Oh,” she says, “That’s just the type of way I carve the turkey every year.”

Not long after the guests arrive, and they tell the boy to answer the door. He opens it saying, “Hello bitches and bastards, come in and relax while I take your penises and vaginas, right now my dad is in the bathroom scraping the shit off his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”

2017-07-25T02:36:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
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