(That means I talk down to people.)
I don’t know why…
My friend’s dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said “what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I have 10 seasons on DVD
I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, “It’s what he would have wanted”.
“Why doesn’t anyone want to hang out with me?” he laments. “I’m a fun person to be around!”
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match!”
No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.
After jumpstarting my friend’s car, I removed the cables and said there’d be no extra charge.
Several years ago me and a few friends were talking when I ended the conversation with a funny zinger which made everyone laugh. “Jesus take the wheel,” I said and everyone burst out in laughter.
We were talking about my dear friend who had just died in a head on car crash.
I miss you, Jonathan. Rest in peace.