decided jokes

One day, a man from Minnesota decided to move down to Texas to follow his dream of becoming a train conductor.

27

On his first day on the job, he had brought a book with him to read. The book he brought to read was very interesting. So interesting, in fact, he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally hit an old lady on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over old ladies on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so the next day he went back to work. This time, he brought a different book to read. However, this book was very boring, and it put him to sleep. He was sleeping so deeply, he didn’t realize what was going on and accidentally hit a small child on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over small children on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so, he once again walked free. He went back to work, and instead of bringing a book, he brought a paddle ball to play with. However, as he was playing with it, it hit him in the head, knocking him out. Because of this, he couldn’t stop the train as it hit the mayor on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over the mayor on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And finally, the executioner turned and said to him: “I don’t understand, why is it still not working?”

The man looked at him and said:

“I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

2017-08-16T03:45:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

17

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body — to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ”Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?”
The general said no. ”Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?”
The general said, ”Just do it!”
The man dropped the general’s pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general’s balls, they weren’t there. The man said, ”Sir, where are your balls?”
The general said, ”I left them back in Vietnam.”

2017-08-13T20:08:26+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

25

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

So, Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

2017-08-13T06:24:03+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

21

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” asked the man.

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

2017-08-12T04:08:44+00:00 12.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

21

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes and the top of his head. Six feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 720,000.

The second asked to be measured between his head’s outstretched hands and his toes. Eight feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 960,000.

Meanwhile, the first general had been informed. And when asked the third general where they had to measure, he said: “From the top of my penis to the bottom of my balls.” “Good,” said the man, “but then I’ll pick up a medical officer.”

The medical officer ordered: “Put your pants down!” And the general did this. The officer placed the start of the ribbon gauge against the tip of his penis and began to work underneath. “Jesus”, he said, “where are your balls?”
“In Vietnam”, the general replied.

2017-08-02T14:30:54+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments

Tom finally decided to tie the knot…

21

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

2017-07-18T15:00:35+00:00 18.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
Load More Posts