It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have good jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have good jobs and are attractive.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
I do it and people say I’ve “got a problem.”
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell. While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: “Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”
On her birthday, buy her a present with only the money in the jar.
It already had a million degrees.