Best jokes of today

Best jokes of today 2017-07-10T12:38:50+00:00
49

How did the farmer find his missing wife?

He tractor down. 🚜🚜🚜

44

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

37

A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Honey, pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery!” Excited, she responds “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”

“I don’t care – just get the fuck out!”

34

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing…..

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God

32

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.

The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…

The coffin stops.

31

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

31

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

28

What does a black man call a black lawyer?

A brother in law

25

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

24

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle…

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

24

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

19

I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

18

“Tony, can you spell your name backwards?”

Tony: sure… y not

16

If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don’t need this “omg i cant drive a train” shit

1

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

1

An apple a day

Keeps the hunger dorment for a short period of time.

1

What is the meaning of life

I don’t know

1

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

1

How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Enough for the blacks to lose their voting rights.

1

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

1

Do you want to hear an Anti-Joke?

Me too thanks

1

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, failure is easy, success is hard.

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, failure is easy, success is hard.

1

Which musician would make a great sheep farmer?

Ed Sheer ’em

1

SALE: 98% off on our book called “Shifting Stock.”

SALE: 98% off on our book called “Shifting Stock.”

1

“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”

“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”

1

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

1

I farted in the apple store today

I got embarrassed and left

1

How high is a Chinaman?

On average, approximately 5’6″ (or 167 cm). Though China is a big country and there’s considerable variation, particularly between rural and urban areas.

Incidentally, the term “Chinaman” might be considered somewhat racist nowadays; “mainland Chinese man” is probably preferable in this context, JFYI.

1

How to you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family

1

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

1

What do you call 2 horses in a bar?

horses

1

A bald man went to a barber shop

He did not receive a haircut.

1

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

1

All types of thieves are bad, but bakery robbers really take the cake.

All types of thieves are bad, but bakery robbers really take the cake.

0

All in favor to send psychology majors to North Korea to help King Kong Jon say “aye.”

All in favor to send psychology majors to North Korea to help King Kong Jon say “aye.”