Best jokes of the week

Best jokes of the week 2017-07-10T12:39:00+00:00
82

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn’t actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

2017-08-17T21:41:22+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
73

So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”

Quick as a flash that bastard replied “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

2017-08-17T21:35:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
66

Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home…

You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

2017-08-17T19:24:58+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
58

What do you call it when Donkey Kong gets a cavity?

Tooth DK.

2017-08-14T20:38:16+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
51

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

2017-08-20T03:50:20+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
51

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding… (good old #4032)

…And they have the following exchange?

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I stole this car.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the trunk?!

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver indeed owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

It turns out the trunk is empty.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

2017-08-14T21:54:41+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
51

If a dude has sex with 20 women he’s a stud, but if a woman has sex with 20 men…

Somehow I’m never one of them.

2017-08-15T21:00:19+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
49

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably…

“My wife missed the bus!!”

2017-08-19T23:34:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
49

How did the farmer find his missing wife?

He tractor down. 🚜🚜🚜

2017-08-17T01:53:57+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
48

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

2017-08-19T19:44:27+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
48

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

2017-08-13T21:04:51+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
47

My absolute favorite:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies…”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

2017-08-19T21:17:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
47

Two chemists walk into a bar…

The first chemist says “I’ll have some H20”

The second chemist says, “I’ll have some H20 as well.”

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

2017-08-14T09:39:29+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they’re not-z’s

2017-08-15T00:21:54+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals

Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

2017-08-19T22:02:19+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
47

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night…

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

“Drunk again?!” she asks.

He chuckles and says “Hey, me too.”

2017-08-17T20:04:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
45

My favorite joke about confederate statues

[removed]

2017-08-16T19:41:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
44

Racecar backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Dale Earnhardt died.

2017-08-15T03:06:39+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
44

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

2017-08-14T22:45:43+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”

Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

2017-08-14T18:51:45+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
44

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

2017-08-17T00:48:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I’m so glad they dug it up just in time

2017-08-20T17:12:01+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
43

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, “Hey, look at that, deer tracks!”

The second blonde chimes in and responds, “No, Becky, those are moose tracks!”

The third blonde steps in and says, “You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!”

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

2017-08-18T00:14:06+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
41

There’s two types of people

Those that can deduce facts from incomplete data

2017-08-17T18:52:19+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
39

If I had a dollar for every gender…

I’d have $2 and a pile of counterfeits.

2017-08-14T22:11:48+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
39

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a sick, frail dog. The other dog came back, except it looked well groomed and healthy.

“Mortal,” it said. “Your ignorance had lead you to disrespect a god. As punishment, you will spend 7 days as a stray dog.

On day 1, he was given rabies from some rats.

On day 2, he was caught in a fire. Though he survived, he lost all his fur and was given no protection from the cold.

On day 3, he was stoned by a group of children.

On day 4, he was beaten by a hobo over some food.

On day 5, he fell off a fire escape and broke two of his legs.

On day 6, he almost froze to death in a blizzard.

On day 7, he slowly bled to death after being mauled by a crackhead.

In hell, the devil looked over the guy’s file. “Must’ve been a ruff week for you, huh?”

2017-08-15T16:15:45+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
39

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…

So I have.

She’s 25 and her name is Candy.

2017-08-14T13:09:31+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
38

What’s worse than tennis elbow?

Golf Balls

2017-08-17T21:03:14+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
37

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought

“That sounds like a fair trade”

2017-08-15T18:06:01+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
37

Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what’s happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I’ve sacked her too, said the butcher.

2017-08-17T13:35:47+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

A horse-pital!

Haha just kidding, they get shot.

2017-08-14T20:42:20+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

Self deprecating jokes are the best.

Unless I make them.

2017-08-17T17:03:59+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

To be frank

I’d have to get a new ID card

2017-08-20T00:31:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
37

Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

2017-08-20T05:11:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Honey, pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery!” Excited, she responds “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”

“I don’t care – just get the fuck out!”

2017-08-17T00:49:40+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
36

I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present

Her face really lit up when she opened it.

2017-08-16T04:56:39+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
35

People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green

At least I avacado

2017-08-14T01:48:45+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
35

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

“Let’s have sex with a cat” suggested the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”

2017-08-19T15:24:32+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
34

Beautiful butt

A married man keeps telling his blonde wife “Honey, you have a beautiful butt”. She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband’s birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo “Beautiful Butt” on her ass.

The tattoo artist tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I’ll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt”. She agrees. On the husband’s birthday she’s standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, ” Look honey.” She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”.

2017-08-20T05:54:47+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
34

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing…..

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God

2017-08-17T04:31:38+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
34

Why don’t they celebrate New Year’s Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there’s no one left when the clock hits zero

2017-08-14T00:27:25+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
34

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

2017-08-15T06:39:43+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
34

“You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.”

“I’m a watt?”

2017-08-14T02:04:25+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
33

My friend’s dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said “what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

2017-08-15T11:17:33+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
33

*Knock knock*

Who’s there?

Broken pencil

Broken pencil who?

Never mind, there’s no point…

2017-08-14T05:04:33+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
33

So I was at the gas station…

And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, “Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!”

I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!

I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking “What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?” But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.

He looked me square in the eyes and said … “Waving a firearm!”

2017-08-18T04:36:33+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
33

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

2017-08-16T01:42:55+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
32

Just for shits and giggles….

I put laxatives in the pot brownies

2017-08-15T05:52:14+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
32

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That’s just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

2017-08-16T20:36:41+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
32

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: “Today one more communist will die”

2017-08-18T03:21:14+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
32

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.

The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…

The coffin stops.

2017-08-17T02:14:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
32

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

When the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“What? I have no idea” said the stranger.

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

2017-08-16T10:50:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
31

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

2017-08-14T17:35:32+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP

2017-08-16T00:48:38+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
31

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

2017-08-17T01:47:46+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
31

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

2017-08-19T16:52:36+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

I, for one,

like Roman numerals

2017-08-14T04:51:54+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|0 Comments
31

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
“A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!”

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone’s surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

“Oh, that’s easy.” Replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

2017-08-17T17:16:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
31

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

2017-08-14T21:12:05+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit.

2017-08-15T09:52:15+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

2017-08-17T06:37:15+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
30

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption

One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.

Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.

Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, she sighs to her husband, “I wish I could see the other one, too.”

Her husband looks at her and says, “Well, honey, they’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal!”

2017-08-16T02:17:38+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
30

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

Dmitry!

2017-08-16T11:11:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
30

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope’s life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.

The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
“My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions.”

“What are the conditions, Your Holiness?”

“First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind.”

“It will be so, what about the next condition?”

“For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf.”

“Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?”

“Big tits.”

2017-08-19T19:52:34+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
30

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

2017-08-17T19:40:14+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
30

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

2017-08-16T01:25:29+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
30

I couldn’t join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn’t pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren’t even related.

2017-08-20T00:43:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
30

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other…

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy… That’s pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, their not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

2017-08-15T07:20:13+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the “No Trespassing” sign?

“It’s ok because there is only two of us.”

2017-08-17T12:48:36+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks,

Some asshole’s got my pen.

2017-08-15T10:49:08+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
29

What Colour Confuses an Idiot?

Blue

2017-08-19T05:54:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
29

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.

“It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick!

Spit’em out!

They’re assholes!”

2017-08-20T14:52:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
29

“Daddy, how do stars die?”

“Drugs, normally.”

2017-08-15T08:19:38+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
29

Bubble wrap

I asked my boss “where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?”

And he replied “just pop it in the corner”

4 f*cking hours it took me!

2017-08-16T11:06:00+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
29

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it’s a vacuum.

2017-08-16T23:11:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They’re efficient, and not very funny.

2017-08-16T05:33:38+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

2017-08-15T06:46:05+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
29

What do you feed a gay horse?

Hayyyy!!!

2017-08-18T04:25:15+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
29

Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.

Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

2017-08-18T15:21:45+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

Edit: A joke from the Bush era I still find funny.

2017-08-19T08:52:07+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
28

When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I’m older, I don’t like to place those kinds of limitations

2017-08-19T23:19:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t continue!” he said. “Why not,” the girl asked, “didn’t you like it?”

“No, that’s not it,” the boy replied. “It’s my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I’m sixteen, I’ll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already.”

2017-08-14T23:18:53+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
28

I can’t believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

2017-08-15T13:23:05+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
28

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland…

…a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

“Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen.”

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

“Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishmen.”

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice:

“Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishmen.”

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later:

“Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishmen.”

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to go down himself, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp.

As he reached his general he said, “Don’t send any more troops down, it’s a trap! THERE’S TWO OF THEM!”

2017-08-15T02:00:39+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
28

What does a black man call a black lawyer?

A brother in law

2017-08-17T05:43:07+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
28

Neo nazis are like cats…

If they like you, you’re probably feeding them

Source: last week tonight

2017-08-14T13:59:52+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
27

What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I’ve made a grave mistake.

2017-08-18T05:52:29+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
27

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, “I don’t even see them on the menu. What page are you on?”

2017-08-16T18:50:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
27

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, or two? One . . . . or two?

2017-08-14T01:32:52+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
27

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure’s

2017-08-17T16:58:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
27

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, “Staring contest… GO.”

2017-08-20T00:19:53+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
27

If you leave a grape out in the sun, it’ll shrivel and dry up…

Just raisin awareness

2017-08-14T16:59:50+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
27

I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day…

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

2017-08-14T19:50:29+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
27

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

2017-08-13T22:48:55+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
27

One day, a man from Minnesota decided to move down to Texas to follow his dream of becoming a train conductor.

On his first day on the job, he had brought a book with him to read. The book he brought to read was very interesting. So interesting, in fact, he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally hit an old lady on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over old ladies on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so the next day he went back to work. This time, he brought a different book to read. However, this book was very boring, and it put him to sleep. He was sleeping so deeply, he didn’t realize what was going on and accidentally hit a small child on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over small children on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so, he once again walked free. He went back to work, and instead of bringing a book, he brought a paddle ball to play with. However, as he was playing with it, it hit him in the head, knocking him out. Because of this, he couldn’t stop the train as it hit the mayor on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over the mayor on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And finally, the executioner turned and said to him: “I don’t understand, why is it still not working?”

The man looked at him and said:

“I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

2017-08-16T03:45:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
26

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
“There was a man in the convent last night,” she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
“We found a condom in the garden,” the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
“There was a hole in that condom.”
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

2017-08-14T03:06:31+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
26

Chinese doctor in the US

An Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…

Lawyer : “I have lost my sense of taste”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”

Lawyer : “Ugh..this is kerosene”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…

Lawyer : “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”

Lawyer (annoyed) : “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer : “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all ”

Chinese doctor : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100”

Lawyer (staring at the bill) : “But this is $20, not $100”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

2017-08-19T22:25:37+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
26

My wife said,”I’m leaving you as you keep telling everyone you’re a Transformer.”

I said,”please don’t,I can change.”

2017-08-14T22:40:27+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
26

If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only 1?

American.

2017-08-14T11:10:24+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
26

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is…..?”

2017-08-19T09:07:01+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments