Best jokes of the month

Best jokes of the month 2017-07-10T12:38:41+00:00
104

Do you want to hear a joke about China?

[censored]

2017-08-04T16:20:26+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
104

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation…

Almost died in Finding Nemo

2017-08-03T17:36:13+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
97

North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere…

2017-08-04T14:48:15+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
96

A Blonde Buys Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place, and the blonde was no longer able to tell the two horses apart.

She returned to her neighbor, who then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, the blonde couldn’t tell the two horses apart and went back to her neighbor for advice. The neighbor suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

2017-08-09T23:39:17+00:00 9.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
94

Funny how when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..

…but when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

2017-08-01T22:30:52+00:00 1.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
94

A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange.

He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 ¥ back.

He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 ¥.

He asks “I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?”

Teller replies, “Well, fluctuations.”

The Japanese man says, “Oh yeah? Well fluck you white guys too”

2017-07-30T14:43:24+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
85

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast’s High-Speed Internet service (the ‘Service’). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol (‘IP’) address associated with your Service account at the time as the source of the infringing works. The works identified by the copyright owner in its notification are listed below. Comcast reminds you that use of the Service (or any part of the Service) in any manner that constitutes an infringement of any copyrighted work is a violation of Comcast’s Acceptable Use Policy and may result in the suspension or termination of your Service account.

2017-08-02T01:02:26+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
84

(Blonde joke I just remembered) A blonde and a brunette…

A blonde and a brunette are walking in a shopping mall and spot a man with really bad dandruff. He has a look of visible anger on his face as he passes the two girls. The brunette says “Wow, that guy could use some Head & Shoulders.” The blonde says back “How do you give Shoulders?”

2017-07-30T02:30:49+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
82

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn’t actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

2017-08-17T21:41:22+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
75

Do necrophiliacs like anal?

Butt of corpse.

2017-08-04T22:15:28+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
73

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, “Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, “Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; Let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right.”

Paul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you & your secretary.”

2017-08-02T01:11:36+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
73

So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”

Quick as a flash that bastard replied “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

2017-08-17T21:35:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
72

Ive just spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off.

I really shouldn’t have put it on in the first place.

2017-07-22T22:11:37+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
69

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don’t know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn’t taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for privacy’s sake) could. We were instructed to take the compound home and test to see which parent gave us the gene. The next day everyone had to come to the front and talk about our results. When it was Eric’s turn to present he came up to the front and proceeded to tell us that neither of his parents could taste the chemical. My biology teacher was confused, stating that wasn’t possible. Then it hit him and he began to apologize and quickly changed the subject

tl ; dr When my biology teacher outed my classmate as adopted

2017-08-10T16:41:36+00:00 10.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
69

For sale: Dead canary

Not going cheap

2017-07-30T02:53:41+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
68

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

2017-07-29T00:36:04+00:00 29.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
67

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, “Are you an orphan?”

He replied, “Yes. What gave me away?”

I said, “Your parents.”

2017-08-11T02:06:13+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
67

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?

The pricks are on the inside

2017-08-11T01:45:14+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
66

Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home…

You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

2017-08-17T19:24:58+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
63

Fruitloops for breakfast.

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

#WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fucking Fruit Loops’

2017-08-01T12:04:31+00:00 1.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
61

Why are there no feminists in Japan?

Because the Japanese hunt whales.

2017-07-22T23:25:06+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
60

I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast

Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate

2017-08-01T05:43:24+00:00 1.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
59

I love Florida everything is in the 80’s

The temperature, the people, and the IQs.

2017-07-21T02:45:17+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
58

What do you call it when Donkey Kong gets a cavity?

Tooth DK.

2017-08-14T20:38:16+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
56

A man who just died…

…….is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There’s no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

2017-08-13T02:30:49+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
56

Army budget cuts

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war. A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”

“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”

“How is this going to work?”

“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'”.

So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”

The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'”

So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.

“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him – he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.

Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ The guy was stomping he’s feet. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab!’ The enemy kept stomping towards him and plowed over him, stomping him into the ground.

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past “Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank.”

2017-07-30T06:27:47+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
55

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

2017-07-29T20:46:21+00:00 29.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
55

Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past…

The first doctor sees him and says, “I’ve been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.”

“No way!” says the chiropractor, “I’ve had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can’t you see how crooked his back is?”

“Nope,” says the orthopedic surgeon. “I’ve had more training than both of you combined and I’m certain that this man has hip damage.”

The doctor’s arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. “Well gentlemen,” he said, “All four of us were wrong.”

“I thought it was a fart!”

2017-08-04T18:58:38+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
55

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, “Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you’ll die here.”

The Jew replied, “It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven.”

The Guard asked, “What if you go to hell?”

To which the Jew said, “Well, I already know Russian…”

*joke not meant to disparage Russians

2017-08-05T08:39:49+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
55

You don’t see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer’s tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor’s left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker meant slow down. While the Ferrari was towing the tractor, a Lamborghini zoomed passed. The Ferrari driver forgot all about the tractor and the farmer and floored it. The two sports cars tore down the high way at incredible speeds. After awhile, the racers passed a police car and the police car radioed ahead about the speeders.

“Hey yeah, this is Jim. I’m warning you about a Ferrari and Lamborghini racing at 190 mph. But what you really need to be careful about is the tractor trying to pass them on the left.”

2017-07-30T06:11:32+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
55

A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends…

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, “Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?”

The mother replies, “Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat.”

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling each other bitch and bastard. The next day, he asks his father, “Dad, what is bitch and bastard?”

“Well son,” the father replies, “bitch Is a word like lady, and bastard is like a gentleman.”

A few days later, Thanksgiving day comes, and everyone is getting ready. The boy passes by his dad shaving in the bathroom, who cuts himself and exclaimed, “shit!”

So the boy asks, “Dad, what does shit mean?”

And the father simply says, “Oh, that’s just the type of shaving cream I use.”

The boy then passes by the kitchen, where his mother is carving the turkey, who also cuts herself with the knife saying, “Fuck!”

And again, the boy asks, “Mom, what is fuck?”

“Oh,” she says, “That’s just the type of way I carve the turkey every year.”

Not long after the guests arrive, and they tell the boy to answer the door. He opens it saying, “Hello bitches and bastards, come in and relax while I take your penises and vaginas, right now my dad is in the bathroom scraping the shit off his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”

2017-07-25T02:36:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
54

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?

She’s not big enough for d shells.

2017-07-28T01:42:26+00:00 28.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
53

My dad told me that 97% of all men mastubate…

The other 3% have no hands.

2017-07-31T02:49:45+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
52

I didn’t know that when I became an adult everyone would make FRIENDS references…

No one ever told me life was gonna be this way.

2017-08-02T00:55:56+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
52

If women ruled the world there would be no wars….

…just a lot of countries that are FINE.

2017-07-24T23:15:18+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
52

A professor was teaching a languages course

“In English” he said, “A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right”

2017-08-11T22:05:25+00:00 11.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
52

Who are the least angry people on Earth?

Nomads.

2017-07-31T21:32:36+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
51

Why do people rob 7/11 instead of restaurants?

Because it’s more convenient.

2017-08-03T00:49:28+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
51

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

2017-08-20T03:50:20+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
51

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding… (good old #4032)

…And they have the following exchange?

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I stole this car.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the trunk?!

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver indeed owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

It turns out the trunk is empty.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

2017-08-14T21:54:41+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
51

Little Johnny…

runs to his older sister.
Johnny: “I know why girls don’t have a penis, it drops away when they get older.”
Sister: “Wait, how did you come up with this, Johnny?”
Johnny: “Well I went into your room and found yours under the bed!”

2017-07-26T20:00:25+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
51

If a dude has sex with 20 women he’s a stud, but if a woman has sex with 20 men…

Somehow I’m never one of them.

2017-08-15T21:00:19+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
51

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

2017-08-02T02:34:18+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
50

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

“Well”, he replied. “I said I was 87!”

2017-08-06T00:19:42+00:00 6.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
50

Told my friend I was going to start watching Doctor Who…

…He said it was about time.

2017-08-02T00:11:54+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
50

Karma

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

“What was that for?” the Chinese man asked.

“That was for Pearl Harbor!” the Jewish man said.

“Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I’m Chinese.”

“Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!”

“Oh!”

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

“What was that for?” the Jewish man asked.

“That was for the Titanic!”

“The Titanic? That was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.”

2017-07-23T19:00:08+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
49

Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave?

So they don’t get mistaken for a feminist

2017-08-02T00:02:16+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
49

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably…

“My wife missed the bus!!”

2017-08-19T23:34:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
49

What’s the difference between a bomb and a social justice warrior?

The bomb actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered.

2017-08-01T02:31:53+00:00 1.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
49

How did the farmer find his missing wife?

He tractor down. 🚜🚜🚜

2017-08-17T01:53:57+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
49

Hear about the farmer who couldn’t keep his hands off his beautiful young wife?

He fired them.

2017-08-05T20:33:40+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
49

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

2017-08-10T13:38:47+00:00 10.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
48

My wife’s locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I’ve become since we got married…

She’s in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

2017-08-04T16:28:17+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
48

Women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judges says, “First Offender?” She says, “No, First a Gibson, then a Fender.”

2017-07-25T22:14:23+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
48

Happiness is like peeing your pants

Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

2017-08-05T10:10:58+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
48

If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

2017-08-13T17:02:06+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
48

I want to make a funeral home in the forest

I’ll call it “Mourning Wood”

2017-08-09T15:20:51+00:00 9.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
48

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention.

Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
“Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren’t dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?”

A blonde steps onto the stage.

“What is ten divided by two?”

The volunteer replies, “Two.”

The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers,”Another chance!”

A second volunteer is called up. Once again she asks the question and the blonde replies,”T-ten?”

The crowd shouts,”Another chance!”

The third volunteer is called up. After three minutes of thought, she correctly replies,”Five.”

The crowd shouts,”Another chance!”

2017-08-12T10:53:16+00:00 12.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
48

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

2017-08-19T19:44:27+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
48

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

2017-08-13T21:04:51+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
47

My absolute favorite:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies…”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

2017-08-19T21:17:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
47

Two CPU’s walk into a bar…

Which one pays?

[the one with more cache](#s)

2017-07-30T15:37:20+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said “Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!”

2017-08-07T17:22:28+00:00 7.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
47

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

2017-08-04T13:42:54+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
47

Two chemists walk into a bar…

The first chemist says “I’ll have some H20”

The second chemist says, “I’ll have some H20 as well.”

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

2017-08-14T09:39:29+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they’re not-z’s

2017-08-15T00:21:54+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals

Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

2017-08-19T22:02:19+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
47

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night…

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

“Drunk again?!” she asks.

He chuckles and says “Hey, me too.”

2017-08-17T20:04:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
47

A mexican woman goes into labor, and then passes out…

a few hours later, she wakes up in the hospital and finds out that she has given birth to perfectly healthy twin baby boys. “Since you were unconscious while your children were born, your husband named both of your children for you”, the doctor informs her. “Oh no!”, exclaims the woman, “my husband is an idiot! Did he name the children something stupid?” “Well, the first child’s name is Juan”, says the doctor. “That’s not so bad,” she says, “but what did he name the second child?”

“Two.”

2017-08-02T01:22:28+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
47

I think I’ve been hacked by Russia…

Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

2017-07-31T23:45:47+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
47

Prostitute said she would do anything I asked….

Guess who’s up to date with all his paperwork.

2017-07-31T01:22:03+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
46

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

2017-07-31T20:18:44+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
46

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile are sitting on a bench in a psychiatric hospital.

“How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

A brief moment of silence takes over and then the masochist says,

“Meow.”

2017-08-13T19:23:56+00:00 13.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
46

What’s it called when bros before hoes is balanced with hoes before bros?

Homie-hoe-stasis

2017-08-04T10:02:48+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
46

What’s the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John F Kennedy

2017-07-27T03:16:51+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
46

America is sure having some bad luck lately

It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

2017-07-26T03:07:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
46

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

2017-08-04T20:41:29+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
45

My favorite joke about confederate statues

[removed]

2017-08-16T19:41:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
45

So Hitler decides to go see a psychic…

…and the psychic tells him that he will die on the day of a Jewish holiday. Hitler, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it.

After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, “Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,”.

2017-07-22T01:42:49+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
45

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, as she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

2017-07-23T00:17:32+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop

“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said.
“Fuck off!” He shouted back.
“What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.

2017-08-04T08:35:50+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
44

People are like drums…

If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.

2017-08-03T14:41:35+00:00 3.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
44

The 7 Dwarves and the Pope

The seven dwarfs woke up one day and they were all excited because they got to go see the Pope that day.

So they got to the Vatican and pushed Dopey up to the pope and said, “Ask him , ask him!” Dopey asked, “Pope, are there any nuns in Alaska?” and the Pope said, “Ya there are some nuns there!” but Bashful stood and said, “No, ask him the real question!”

So Dopey asked the Pope, “Are there any black nuns in Alaska?” And the Pope said, “Yes, there are some black nuns in Alaska!” but Doc jumped up and said, “Ask him the real question before you get 6 ass whoopings!”

So Dopey asked the Pope, “Are there any black, midget nuns in Alaska?” and the Pope thought, and the Pope thought, and he said, “No, Dopey I’m sorry there aren’t!”

Dopey turned the other way looking very disappointed to see the other 6 dwarfs dancing and singing childishly saying, “Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!”

2017-07-31T15:57:00+00:00 31.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
44

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman

None

2017-08-07T08:18:17+00:00 7.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun…

“Hands up, lady!” he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. “Sir! This isn’t a real bank! It’s a sperm bank!”

“Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!”

So she does.

“Get in there! Grab one of them vials!” he says, waving the gun at her.

“But these are sperm samples!” she cries out.

“Just DO IT!” he says, cocking the gun at her.

So she picks up the sperm sample with shaking hands.

“Now chug it!” he says.

“Are you crazy!?” she replies, cringing.

“DO IT! NOW!”

So she gingerly pops the top off of it and swallows it down.

“Another one! Do it!”

She doesn’t want to, but the guy’s got a gun. Finally, after several more samples have gone down the hatch, he yanks the mask off. It’s her husband.

“See, honey?” he says. “Was that so goddamn difficult?”

2017-08-05T23:44:24+00:00 5.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
44

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

2017-08-17T00:48:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I’m so glad they dug it up just in time

2017-08-20T17:12:01+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
44

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says “thanks” and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks “Are you always this nice to men that you meet?” and she says “No, you just happened to catch my eye”

2017-08-04T10:44:34+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
44

Racecar backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Dale Earnhardt died.

2017-08-15T03:06:39+00:00 15.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
44

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

2017-08-14T22:45:43+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

Which side of a dog has the most hair?

The outside

2017-08-02T18:16:34+00:00 2.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
44

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”

Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

2017-08-14T18:51:45+00:00 14.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
43

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin’s wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, “But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?” To which the painter replies, “Lenin is in Poland.”

2017-08-04T18:58:11+00:00 4.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
43

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ma’am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Trudeau: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Trudeau: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Trudeau:” Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”
Cashier: “Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?”

.. I couldn’t find anywhere on here where this was posted before. Sorry if it is a repost. Please note this was borrowed from a other social media site.

2017-07-27T19:30:31+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
43

I like my passwords like my girlfriends:

change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn’t know any of them

2017-07-30T05:27:25+00:00 30.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
43

The school field trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee- wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 4th grade.”

“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help. 

2017-08-08T23:20:18+00:00 8.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
43

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that’s it, I’m done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

2017-08-08T18:52:21+00:00 8.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
43

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, “Hey, look at that, deer tracks!”

The second blonde chimes in and responds, “No, Becky, those are moose tracks!”

The third blonde steps in and says, “You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!”

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

2017-08-18T00:14:06+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
43

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them…

…but when he rounded them up he had 200.

2017-08-06T21:05:48+00:00 6.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
43

There are two fish in a tank

One fish says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

2017-07-23T18:46:41+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments