New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Trump Hotel buys counterfeit Picassos – fake nudes.

Trump Hotel buys counterfeit Picassos – fake nudes.

2017-08-19T02:32:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

The idea of unsalted almonds is just plain nuts

The idea of unsalted almonds is just plain nuts

2017-08-19T02:18:51+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Don’t ever let your party bus driver crash the party

Don’t ever let your party bus driver crash the party

2017-08-19T02:08:15+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse then neighs and looks nervous, because it’s an unusual setting for a horse to be in. He knocks over a few tables but manages to find his way back outside

2017-08-19T01:14:35+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m addicted to seaweed…

I must seek kelp…

2017-08-19T01:11:28+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What is the man that is allergic to sunlight’s least favourite day?

The day he dies

2017-08-19T01:03:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

What went wrong with Trump’s Suicide Attempt

Fake Noose

2017-08-19T00:58:28+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a dinosaur who can’t get through a door?

fat

2017-08-19T00:57:16+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is extremely heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

2017-08-19T00:50:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Say what you will about Elon Musk, but with his plan to bring people to mars there’s never been a more creative serial killer.

Say what you will about Elon Musk, but with his plan to bring people to mars there’s never been a more creative serial killer.

2017-08-18T23:58:15+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What starts with “dr” has “tij” in the middle and ends with “pnr”?

Not at all!

What starts with “w”, has “ha” in the middle and ends with “t”!

2017-08-18T23:53:46+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why was the 3 year old African child crying?

Because he had malaria

2017-08-18T23:42:06+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
12

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

2017-08-18T23:33:16+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

“Dad, why is my sister called Rose?”

“Becausre your mother likes roses.”

“Thanks dad”

“No problem Alex.”

2017-08-18T23:22:40+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Lightly used condoms for sale, no weirdos.

Lightly used condoms for sale, no weirdos.

2017-08-18T22:56:29+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I jerk off the same way shampoo nourishes my hair, root to tip.

I jerk off the same way shampoo nourishes my hair, root to tip.

2017-08-18T22:40:59+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
17

What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost)

North Kor

2017-08-18T22:36:57+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Whats the difference between Ea and North Korea

One is a compagny the other one is a country.

2017-08-18T22:27:34+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

2017-08-18T22:10:54+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Well, if we have to vote on the best farm equipment to tell you the height of an angle, I’m protractor.

Well, if we have to vote on the best farm equipment to tell you the height of an angle, I’m protractor.

2017-08-18T22:00:49+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
23

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?”
“Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

2017-08-18T21:59:21+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

2017-08-18T21:26:52+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

I was kicked out of the army when they caught me masturbating.

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

2017-08-18T21:21:39+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
14

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says “Tell me your name and what you did wrong.” The first duck says “my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond.” Judge says “Ok, you go to jail for 3 days.”

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says “My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond.” The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says “Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?” The duck says “Nah, I’m Bubbles.”

2017-08-18T21:03:51+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
20

Too many letters in the alphabet

A teacher was going over the alphabet with her students. As they were counting the letters they kept getting 27 instead of 26. After a few more times counting and getting the same result, she realized she needed to use the restroom.

She went to the restroom and then returned to the alphabet lesson. Again she counted the letters and this time she got 26!

Turned out that she had two p.

2017-08-18T21:00:29+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What starts with “one” and ends with “free”?

* * * gggggggggggggggggggGgggggggggggggggggg %%% @@ 1939

2017-08-18T20:41:00+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Ooooh…I thought the riots were concerning those statue street performers.

Ooooh…I thought the riots were concerning those statue street performers.

2017-08-18T19:25:43+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar

2017-08-18T19:21:41+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
26

What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women!

2017-08-18T19:13:42+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
17

What’s between an 80 year old woman’s breasts that’s not between a 20 year old woman’s breasts?

A belly button

2017-08-18T18:52:29+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet

I got it as a souvenir from the zoo

2017-08-18T18:52:25+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did Santa get Mrs. Claus for her birthday?

Nothing, Santa doesn’t exist

2017-08-18T18:31:54+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

When you can’t find out which bird released your private information over the internet: parrotdox.

When you can’t find out which bird released your private information over the internet: parrotdox.

2017-08-18T18:15:47+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
22

Comas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

“Donald is in a hurry.”

“Donald is in a coma.”

2017-08-18T17:48:59+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

2017-08-18T17:46:33+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

In North Korea, we have this joke about Kim Jong-un

[removed]

2017-08-18T17:18:27+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

A guy walks into a bar and orders six Jägermeister shots

The bartender asks him if it’s a special occasion?
The guy answers “Yes, my very first blowjob”.
The bartender gets excited and says “Congratulations, I’ll give you the seventh shot on the house”.
The guy answers “Nah, if six Jäger shots isn’t enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference”.

2017-08-18T16:39:25+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
23

I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

2017-08-18T16:29:50+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Conspirators are the best interior designers, since it’s an inside job.

Conspirators are the best interior designers, since it’s an inside job.

2017-08-18T16:09:33+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How many babies does it take take too screw in a light bulb

It depends, but for the most part they lack the dexterity and hand eye coordination to get the job done

2017-08-18T16:08:25+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How many dead babies can you fit in a tub?

17

2017-08-18T16:01:21+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

science vs. religion

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

2017-08-18T16:00:02+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

My car was giving me trouble so I parked it on the corner.

My car was giving me trouble so I parked it on the corner.

2017-08-18T15:46:50+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
19

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, red?

Half a zebra

2017-08-18T15:42:28+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
29

Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.

Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

2017-08-18T15:21:45+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
24

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

2017-08-18T15:11:28+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the guy get his Dick stuck in a coconut?

He was fucking nuts

2017-08-18T14:27:40+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
14

I have an unemployed joke

Too bad it doesn’t work

2017-08-18T14:25:35+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
18

I don’t know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don’t know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

2017-08-18T14:22:45+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
19

Little Johnny’s teacher asks

“George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

Little Johnny replies, “Because George was the one holding the axe!”

2017-08-18T14:22:19+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments