Up and down.
The people who are in charge of that decision.
The bartender looks up and says “Hey Pirate, you’ve a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!”
The pirate says “Argh, it’s driving me nuts.”
TL:DR – Titin, the largest know protein
There was a terrible storm. Not only did a tree fall on the house, but a tornado ripped it to smithereens.
Because if so, you’re in the wrong sub. This is the sub for anti-jokes.
ks into a bar and asks t
he bartender som
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Turns out my parents weren’t even related.
He said, “Staring contest… GO.”
Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.
Now that I’m older, I don’t like to place those kinds of limitations
What did you expect
LMNOP my dear Watson.
An Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…
Lawyer : “I have lost my sense of taste”
Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”
Lawyer : “Ugh..this is kerosene”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer : “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”
Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”
Lawyer (annoyed) : “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer : “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all ”
Chinese doctor : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100”
Lawyer (staring at the bill) : “But this is $20, not $100”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work
I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals
Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
That I’m a horrible electrician.
It is an emotiontional time, but your upvote may help me through it
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies…”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”
Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?”
Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?”
Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”
Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?”
Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”
Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere”
The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope’s life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.
The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
“My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions.”
“What are the conditions, Your Holiness?”
“First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind.”
“It will be so, what about the next condition?”
“For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf.”
“Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?”
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
So he can fit in his spaceship.
Then it would either go on forever or end after the first season
Come on, guys. He wasn’t nailed to a fuckin boomerang.
I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?
The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that’s all about.
“Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?” Asks the bartender. The guy replies “well, I’ve got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we’ve decided that each of us will drink three beers every day, one for each of us.”
The bartenders curiosity is sated. The guy continues to do this for about a month, until he comes in one day and orders only two beers.
“I’m sorry for your loss”, says the bartender.
The guy is confused, and then says “oh no, nobody died. I just quit drinking.”
He told me to stop going to those places.
It’s really sad, they’re less likely to find a partner and are often bullied which leads to depression and sometimes suicide.
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
“Let’s have sex with a cat” suggested the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”
Because evertime i walk away from a conversation i hear, “What an ass”.
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
I’m banned from all my local pubs; I’m not a very good barman.
I don’t like policemen, they’re always looking for trouble.
I know because Howlong is my friend
…..and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Judge: Your word is “there.”
Me: In a sentence please.
Judge: They’re parking their car over there.
A frog in a blender
Me:”Sounds good! …are your parents at home?”
Girlfriend:”My parents are gone for the weekend ;)”
Me:”So you say I should come over to your place even though there is no adult supervision? Sorry, not possible.”
“In HD” was apparently the wrong answer.
The father tells him about sex and they both carry on with their lives.