New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

When you’re talking to the heavens it’s important to speak up.

When you’re talking to the heavens it’s important to speak up.

2017-08-22T03:56:55+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Ask me the secret to comedy

Ask me the secret to comedy

2017-08-22T03:25:47+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
2

A Zionist, an Isis member, an alt-right member, an antifa member, Kim Jung Un, and Donald Trump all walk into a bar

But they were all different bars serving the appropriate cleintele and with a great deal of space and time between them–so there was no bloodshed and everything went fine.

2017-08-22T03:17:17+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is obsessed with mint; sometimes she likes to masturbate with my toothpaste.

My wife is obsessed with mint; sometimes she likes to masturbate with my toothpaste.

2017-08-22T02:52:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

The creator of The Human Centipede took Connect Four a bit too seriously.

The creator of The Human Centipede took Connect Four a bit too seriously.

2017-08-22T02:39:39+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

The Sun and Moon walk into an alcoholic weasel

Beer? Goes the weasel
No, goes the Moon
Rum? Goes the weasel
No, goes the Sun
Gin? Goes the weasel
NO! IT’S POP GOES THE WEASEL YOU DOORKNOB, goes the Sun and Moon in unison

2017-08-22T02:35:06+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Who would win in a real life game of Battleship?

Obviously not the U.S. Navy.

2017-08-22T02:28:27+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A cult is a monogamous relationship in how you’re not allowed to keep seeing your other loved ones

A cult is a monogamous relationship in how you’re not allowed to keep seeing your other loved ones

2017-08-22T02:26:11+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

“Dad, why did you name my sister Rain?”

Dad: “Because it was the first thing that fell on her after she was born”
Kid: “Thank you dad”
Dad: “I’m not your father you’re adopted”

2017-08-22T02:20:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I like to steer away from road animals.

I like to steer away from road animals.

2017-08-22T02:18:03+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What would happen if you threw blue sneakers in the Red Sea?

They would get wet

2017-08-22T01:44:30+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
3

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

2017-08-22T01:42:59+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

SAVE OUR OCEANS, ONE PRANK AT A TIME!

There are trillions of pieces of trash in our oceans and that number grows everyday.

Our company, JunkMail, strives to help clean our oceans, one prank at a time.

Our model is simple, we go and collect trash from our local beaches, clean in with eco-friendly cleaner, wrap it up in a nice biodegradable bag, and send it to your worst enemy with a card reading “You’re Trashy”. Each bag is labelled with the exact coordinates of where the garbage was collected, so you can see where the trash originated from.

We guarantee there’s some trashy people in your life. Recent break up? Boss being a jerk? Co-worker gets promotion? Friend gets married? Guy looks at you wrong?

We want to spread awareness about the garbage and waste problems in our oceans, and give people a comdeic way to do so.

So check us out and help SAVE OUR OCEANS!

https://sendjunkmail.myshopify.com/

2017-08-22T01:35:25+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today…

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

2017-08-22T01:30:39+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Trump!!!

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell. While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: “Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

2017-08-22T01:27:14+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Lesbians love to eat-out.

Lesbians love to eat-out.

2017-08-22T01:18:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

LPT Everytime your girlfriend/wife gives you a blowjob, put a dollar in a jar.

On her birthday, buy her a present with only the money in the jar.

2017-08-22T01:14:10+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Over a dog’s life Spaniel learn many puns.

Over a dog’s life Spaniel learn many puns.

2017-08-22T01:04:50+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Lazy people need to get their arse in gear, whereas smugglers need to get their gear in arse.

Lazy people need to get their arse in gear, whereas smugglers need to get their gear in arse.

2017-08-22T00:54:19+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Why didn’t the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees.

2017-08-22T00:34:56+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Roses are red, violets are blue..

I have Alzheimers.

Cheese on toast.

2017-08-22T00:28:06+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

I tried to come up with a anti-joke worthy of this sub.

But I couldn’t do it. Sorry.

2017-08-21T23:53:54+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

I like to read r/Fencing..

But it’s all ripostes

2017-08-21T23:49:21+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Wanna hear a joke

No.

Oh okay

2017-08-21T23:32:58+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

Two reasons I don’t drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

2017-08-21T23:31:40+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the dildo say to the fleshlight?

Nothing, both of the aforementioned are inaminate adult toys and are incapable of communication.

2017-08-21T23:17:56+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why do people laugh at antijokes?

Because they’re kind of funny

2017-08-21T23:11:35+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is a real bitch.

Which is normal when you’re married to a dog.

2017-08-21T22:26:25+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse…

I’d have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

2017-08-21T22:01:37+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

I got a girlfriend today!

I wish I could post this on any other thread.

2017-08-21T21:57:46+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

The eclipse, eh.. one star

The eclipse, eh.. one star

2017-08-21T21:48:09+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

“- Mom, what’s an orgasm?”

“- I don’t know, go ask your father.”

2017-08-21T21:10:20+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
3

The Sun and Moon walked into a coffee shop today

The coffee shop burned down because the Sun is 5,778 Kelvin.

2017-08-21T21:04:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
3

I do my homeworks like I do drugs.

I don’t do drugs.

2017-08-21T20:50:14+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Does anyone know why chickens do this? Stupid bird ran out right in front of my car, didn’t even give me a chance to slow down. God, what a fucking mess.

2017-08-21T20:37:32+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

An underage weasel walks into a bar

The bartender: Sorry you’re underage, I can’t serve you alcohol

The weasel: That’s alright, I’m not looking for anything alcoholic

The bartender: Oh alright, well we have coffee, tea, smoothies, milkshakes, pop

“Soda” goes the weasel

2017-08-21T19:33:09+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

2017-08-21T18:34:51+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
0

(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

isn’t an equation and the results of every bracket aren’t connected at all.

2017-08-21T18:04:30+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

What did the anorexic have for dinner?

A troubling emotional disorder.

2017-08-21T17:58:12+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

I’m taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don’t be surprised.

2017-08-21T17:29:34+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What’s sad about 3 people driving off a cliff in a Mercedes?

I was planning on buying it from them.

2017-08-21T17:16:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
28

Well, funny story…

FOREWARNING: While the joke might seem antisemitic at first, it’s not really. Read it all.

A jew has a son, and when he’s 18 he asks him to go to Israel for a year. His son returns after a year, and claims he’s no longer jewish. He’s christian now.

The jew goes to his best friend (also jewish). “I sent my son to Israel for a year, and he returned and said he no longer was a jew. He said he was christian now!”.

His friend replies “Funny story. The same happened to me! Let’s ask our rabbi about this.”

So they go to their rabbi, tell him that BOTH their sons went to Israel for a year and returned, claiming to be christians now.

Their rabbi says “Huh. Funny story. I have a son too, he went to Israel and said he wasn’t a jew anymore, he was christian now. Let’s go ask God about this.”.

So they go and tell God that all their sons went to Israel as jews and returned claiming to be christian now.

God ponders and says “Well… funny story…”

2017-08-21T17:11:27+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
41

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer – you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on … and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God says.

“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” Satan says.

“What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!” God says.

“No way! I like having an engineer on the staff – I’m keeping him!” Satan says.

“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!” God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

“Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

2017-08-21T17:00:23+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
21

What’s Iron Man’s gender?

FeMale

2017-08-21T16:57:46+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a piece of bread in a toaster?

A toast

2017-08-21T16:54:59+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

He comes home with a headache.

2017-08-21T16:41:51+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

You can get your asshole bleached and just tell people you changed your ringtone.

You can get your asshole bleached and just tell people you changed your ringtone.

2017-08-21T16:28:06+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
12

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

2017-08-21T16:27:01+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I’ve been learning to guess the weight of dogs and managed to pick up a couple of pointers yesterday.

I’ve been learning to guess the weight of dogs and managed to pick up a couple of pointers yesterday.

2017-08-21T16:25:16+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
37

20 AMAZING ways to cut down on click bait

Well that wasn’t one of them.

2017-08-21T16:21:11+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments