New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

There was once a starving billionaire..

..he lived in Zimbabwe.

2017-07-23T22:29:28+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

2017-07-23T21:18:19+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

So an African American father surprises his son when he comes home unexpectedly…

“Wow dad you said you’d be at the store for at least 20 minutes. Dinner isn’t even done yet!” They finish cooking and have a quality meal together

2017-07-23T21:12:27+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
22

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

2017-07-23T20:22:23+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

An overflowing garbage bin is wastefull.

An overflowing garbage bin is wastefull.

2017-07-23T20:12:53+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

My anti jokes are so funny they get thousands of upvotes.

My anti jokes are so funny they get thousands of upvotes.

2017-07-23T20:11:06+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law.

Who lives at 1837 3rd st, LA 90023 blue house. She gets off work at 6.

2017-07-23T19:16:03+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
21

It was such an emotional wedding…

Even the cake was in tiers.

2017-07-23T19:04:33+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig

It’s not a very good poem, but it is very deep.

2017-07-23T19:02:44+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

So, bear with me, but what if there was an animal, and again, BEAR WITH ME, that can speak human languages and is taking me hostage?

But then again, that’s preposterous. Animals can’t take hostages.

2017-07-23T18:47:08+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

So I walk into a Five Guys…

and there are only four people working there.

2017-07-23T18:36:02+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals.
I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed.”

The doctor asks “Do you do anything before bed?”

The man says “Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web”

2017-07-23T18:34:24+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
11

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper…

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: “Why… WHY would anyone order wine?”

2017-07-23T17:59:46+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
11

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She replied: “They’re right behind you!!”.

2017-07-23T17:35:54+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

My friend has a trophy wife but I don’t think it was first place.

My friend has a trophy wife but I don’t think it was first place.

2017-07-23T17:26:20+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him “I have a few uses for a duck but I don’t have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?” The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy “You were pretty good, if you can do it again I’ll give you your duck back” the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says “Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck.”

2017-07-23T17:20:54+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

Blind man in a motorboat accident.

I once saw a Blind man and asked him how he went blind. He said “I lost my eyes in a motorboating accident. She didn’t tell me that they were pierced.”

2017-07-23T17:17:10+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

What do you get when you divide 355 jack o’lanterns by 113 jack o’lanterns?

Pumpkin Pi.

2017-07-23T17:09:20+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Which human race is the fastest?

The 0.00000000000000000000001m dash

2017-07-23T16:49:57+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”
“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.
“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

2017-07-23T16:11:09+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
15

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

2017-07-23T15:32:46+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
13

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

2017-07-23T15:27:44+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

2017-07-23T15:23:39+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today

Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

2017-07-23T15:18:30+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

The kleptomaniac forgot to take his wife’s medication.

The kleptomaniac forgot to take his wife’s medication.

2017-07-23T15:17:55+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

You guys want to hear another political joke?

Neither do I.

Credit goes to u/Mrdankdank9030, who posted this on r/jokes

2017-07-23T15:14:47+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Untrained doctors make me sick.

Untrained doctors make me sick.

2017-07-23T14:28:26+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

How can you tell if someone’s a vegan?

They don’t consume or use animal products.

2017-07-23T14:19:47+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

Between You and I

John had three testicles, and was very conscious about it.

So he went to consult a doctor.

“Dr. Green, I don’t know how else to say this, but between you and I, there are 5 balls in the room.”

Noticeably surprised, Dr. Green replies “What!? You got none?”

2017-07-23T14:12:33+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|0 Comments
23

I saw a kidnapping today

He was tired

2017-07-23T14:08:03+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
23

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

2017-07-23T13:55:13+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer.
“Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.
“The bottle has a hole in it!”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.
“And it’s missing three keys,”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”

2017-07-23T13:53:12+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
10

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women…

Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

2017-07-23T13:36:29+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

2017-07-23T12:45:42+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning…

It was raining Datsun cogs…

2017-07-23T12:34:59+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

What do me and Donald Trump have in common?

We’d both date his daughter if she wasn’t his daughter.

2017-07-23T12:05:08+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My career as a model is looking good.

My career as a model is looking good.

2017-07-23T11:19:49+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m in detention for cocaine use and the woman’s got me doing lines.

I’m in detention for cocaine use and the woman’s got me doing lines.

2017-07-23T11:18:48+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
24

What did the sunburnt manatee say?

Man a tee shirt would be nice

2017-07-23T10:54:35+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
18

Three nurses in the morgue…

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. *” It’s a shame to waste that!”* exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn’t hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she said she was on her period, but she rode him anyway.

Then suddenly the man sat up alive. This took the nurses by surprise and each of them tried to apologize and said that they thought he was dead. Then the guy says, ” I *was* dead, but after a couple of jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!!!”

2017-07-23T10:15:16+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
26

I asked my wife if she wanted to watch the PGA tour or a porno.

She told me “let’s watch the porno, you already know how to play golf.”

2017-07-23T09:10:26+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Im going to tell you all a secret

All a secret

2017-07-23T09:04:03+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

-A person who, at this time of day, has requested to be in your presence and is at your front door, awaiting your welcome into your humble abode. May I come in?

2017-07-23T08:42:05+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

he orders a beer

2017-07-23T07:04:10+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

I was at a restaurant the other day when I heard the waitress scream, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled back, “I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy.

2017-07-23T06:59:31+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it’s all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn’t me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

2017-07-23T06:54:34+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a woman that sleeps with alot of men?

Her name

2017-07-23T06:43:35+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A gymnast walks into a bar

She gets a 10 point deduction and loses her chance at a medal.

2017-07-23T06:11:23+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

So I got banned from the Feminist subreddit

Yep, that happened today.

2017-07-23T05:52:46+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

2017-07-23T05:33:54+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments