As I said in the title. I have a freind who hates anti jokes and long jokes so please give me some that will keep him hanging on untill he realises he has been bamboozled
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
We all have our shortcomings.
I never finish what I star
I don’t fucking know man I’m depressed as fuck, have no friends, and hungry as hell where I’m about to lose my damn mind. I have an unfillable void inside me.
He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.
Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word “Repost”
Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him “how can I make America great again?”
FDR replies “think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets”
Trump’s face sours “FAKE NEWS!” he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?”
Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.
Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln thinks for a bit and says “go to the theater”.
He was immediately cut in half as it was a very sharp bar.
I said, “You like that, bitch?”
They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.
That would make things really confusing and inconvenient for everyone.
Your flatmate. I live here now open the door I lost my keys.
They leave in about half an hour, and go home.
His given name, most likely.
EDIT: I changed my mind, we’re fine
A pakistani walks into a bar and orders bacon and a beer.
The shocked bartender asks, “isn’t this a sin in your religion?”
He replies, ” ya but all my sins will be forgiven in mmmm…
2 mins 40 seconds.”
Because burning that shit will get you stoned!
my car to reverse leaving the scene.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
to go to an after-work happy hour at the TGI Friday’s in Gurnee, IL. It is summertime and there isn’t much happening in the NFL, so they don’t discuss football. The Bears fan ducks out after one beer to go to his daughter’s softball game
I’ve got a bad habit of revealing my flaws to strangers.
Acute constipation just doesn’t let shit go.
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
It got stuck in the chicken.
Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks “Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?”
the man says to her: “well I am very sorry but we don’t have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we’re totally out of onions”
the woman then says “oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please”
the man says “miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left”
the lady then says “oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please.”
the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says “alright, let’s play a game, if you take the ‘omato’ out of tomato, what do you get?”
the woman confused says “you would get ‘t’ ”
the man says “correct, and if you would take the ‘otato’ out of potato, what would you get ?”
the woman says “you would get ‘p'”
the man then says to her “correct again! now, if you take the ‘FUCK’ out of onion what would you get then ?”
the woman very much confused says “but…. there is no ‘fuck’ in onion. ”
and the man screams “CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!”
Mom says with a smile, “why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?”
Boy replies, “I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing.”
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From the covers on the bed, she spots the outline of four legs instead of her husband’s two. She reaches into their closet for a baseball bat and starts hitting the two under the covers as hard as she can.
Once she’s done,she heads down to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters the kitchen, she sees her husband there at the counter reading a magazine. He says to her, *”Hi honey, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”*
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
“You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
“Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Edit: Works Two out of Three times. The Naked Man.
Please quick someone help with this one
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A jump cable walks into a bar, the bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A young man had been dating a girl for some time, and they finally decide that its time for them to have sex. They decide that he’s going to meet her parents, have dinner with the family, and then they will leave and find a nice quiet place to do the deed.
The young man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms, but because he’s a virgin, he has no idea what to buy. Fortunately, the pharmacist is a friendly older man, who helps him pick out a pack of condoms, and wishes the young man good luck.
That evening, everyone sits down at the dinner table, and begin to say grace. The young man bows, and is saying grace for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, all without ever raising his head. After 15 minutes, his girlfriend leans over and says
“You never told me you were this religious.”
“And you,” the young man replies, “never told me your father was a pharmacist.”
His dad tells him to go ask his mom if she’d have sex with Brad Pitt for one million dollars.
“Hey Mom! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000?” he asks.
“Of course I would!” she replies.
So the kid reports back to his dad and he’s then tasked with asking his sister the same thing.
“Hey sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”
“Hell yeah!” she says without hesitation.
Disappointed, he returns to his father.
“So…” his father asks “…do you understand the difference now?”
“Yes.” the boy says. “Theoretically we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with two whores!”
The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.
“Oh my gosh” she said to the second woman,
“i think that’s Adolf Hitler”!
“It can’t be”, the second woman responds,
“he killed himself 70 years ago”.
But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,
“why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler”?
The man looks up,
“indeed, i am Adolf Hitler”.
Both woman look at each other in shock,
“see”? says the first woman to the second,
“i told you that was Hitler”!
“My god you’re right”!
The second woman responds,
She turns her head to Hitler and asks,
“what are you doing here”?
“Well”, he whispers,
“i’m planning another mass homicide”.
“I’m going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen”.
“Why the 6 postmen”?
The two woman ask simultaneously
“Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews”.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No,” one of them says. “Heaven isn’t real.”
The one in the driver’s seat.
He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. “I’m guessing from that accent you’re from Dublin?” he asks, in an Irish brogue. “Of course!” the 1st guy exclaims, “here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too.” Their exchange continues:
1st: Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?
2nd: St. Catherine Street. And you?
1st: St. Catherine Street, same as you!
2nd: Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?
1st: St. Jospeh’s Boy’s Academy.
2nd: Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe’s too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!
This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender,
“What’s up with those two?” The bartender shrugs and says, “It’s the O’Shaughnessy twins, they’re drunk again.”
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
**Moral of the story**: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.
Popping open a cold one with the boys.
I was addicted to soap. I’m clean now.
I’ve just seen a three legged bird. Must be one of those stool pigeons.
They all died
Life is too short to read an entire-
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.