New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut.

2017-08-21T01:51:40+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
3

What’s black and blue and red all over?

Due to the infinite nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.

2017-08-21T01:36:21+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Anyone wanna be my blind date for the eclipse tomorrow?

Anyone wanna be my blind date for the eclipse tomorrow?

2017-08-20T23:40:17+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
29

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…

You have my Word.

2017-08-20T22:47:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
22

The last four letters in “queue” are not silent

They’re just waiting their turn.

2017-08-20T22:39:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

On Monday there will be a full solar eclipse

That hasn’t happened in like 38 years

2017-08-20T22:12:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why?

Why not?

2017-08-20T22:00:38+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
2

What is green and looks like a train

A green train

2017-08-20T21:43:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
2

A man walks into a bar…

…and an hour later comes out all drunk and stumbling, with a black-eye, a torn shirt and the owner shouting after him because he was caught drinking too much which he was not supposed to do at all because he was the bartender.

2017-08-20T21:30:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I have a new Jewish car.

It will stop on a dime and then be the victim of brutal antisemitic remarks by American White Nationalists.

2017-08-20T21:19:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
22

Which sith lord prefers to cripple his opponents rather than kill them?

Darth Ritis

2017-08-20T21:10:55+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
18

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I SAID MAYBE

2017-08-20T21:10:40+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

2017-08-20T20:29:28+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
40

I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn’t believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don’t know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

2017-08-20T20:29:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What did one alien say to the other?

Something in a language humans are incapable of understanding or speaking as it requires a unique physiology that only the aliens in question possess.

2017-08-20T20:01:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
38

I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it’s a German thing

2017-08-20T19:56:22+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
21

After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.

Mainly when I smiled.

2017-08-20T19:56:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Im gay and my favourite sport is football

It mixes a good amount of physicality, strategy, and skill into a fast paced sport

2017-08-20T19:47:09+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
47

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…

…but she’s gonna cost you.”

“Cost me what?” Adam asked.

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

2017-08-20T19:29:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

What did the one huge faggot say to the other huge faggot?

Nothing. Bundles of sticks aren’t capable of talking.

2017-08-20T19:19:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because that’s how humans evolved.

2017-08-20T19:04:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

2017-08-20T18:59:48+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19

I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

2017-08-20T18:45:39+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

I like my coffee how i like my women

No pubic hair

2017-08-20T18:45:16+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

2017-08-20T18:37:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

What makes a joke funny?

The punchline.

2017-08-20T17:41:35+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

2017-08-20T17:22:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
44

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I’m so glad they dug it up just in time

2017-08-20T17:12:01+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
20

My girlfriend told me sex is better on holiday

It was the worst postcard I’ve ever received.

2017-08-20T17:04:49+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Two sausages in a frying pan; one says, “Blimey, it’s hot in here,” and the other replies, “ARGH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!”

Two sausages in a frying pan; one says, “Blimey, it’s hot in here,” and the other replies, “ARGH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!”

2017-08-20T16:57:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
10

A trucker is driving his rig at night

He’s on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

“Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?”

“That’s a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm”

“Ah… are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?”

“I wouldn’t say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely”

“Ah, shit… I guess I just ran over a Nun then..”

2017-08-20T16:49:22+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
10

I don’t like telling jokes about Muslims.

A lot of them have a very short fuse.

2017-08-20T16:48:49+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
14

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock”. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

2017-08-20T16:44:55+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
8

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

2017-08-20T16:35:24+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

[Introducing girlfriend to my family]

Me : This is my girlfriend janine

Janine : Hi

Wife : What the fuck

2017-08-20T16:30:25+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

2017-08-20T16:29:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
12

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

2017-08-20T16:26:15+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Yo mama so fat

she should be concerned, because obesity and diabetes is a serious problem.

2017-08-20T16:22:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

Did you hear that some men can only get off by dangling their balls in boiling hot water?!?

Not my cup of tea, obviously…

2017-08-20T16:15:04+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Human person:Doctor,doctor!I can’t feel my legs!

Doctor human:well,that isn’t right…

(Only really makes sense if you know the original joke I guess)

2017-08-20T16:06:51+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

2017-08-20T15:40:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

2017-08-20T15:34:16+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
12

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow was taken.

2017-08-20T15:24:55+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
12

The teacher decides to teach multi-syllable words..

Hannah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Hannah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Hannah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Hannah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Hannah that’s a mouthful.” Hannah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

2017-08-20T15:14:50+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I like my coffee like my slaves.

Strong

2017-08-20T15:05:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
29

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.

“It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick!

Spit’em out!

They’re assholes!”

2017-08-20T14:52:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

2017-08-20T14:50:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a Jew beside an oven?

A cook

2017-08-20T14:00:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
9

The flight attendant see’s a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!”

The Captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you before….You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time…please learn to respect the American President!”

2017-08-20T13:40:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is not exactly religious…

She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…

2017-08-20T11:47:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments