New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
0

My girlfriend said that if this gets 1,000 upvotes she won’t leave me….Please

I’m begging you, I’m already so lonely.

2017-07-24T07:18:36+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a dog on a rainy day?

A dog

2017-07-24T06:38:20+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

If I had a dollar for every time I laughed at one of these anti-jokes…

It would be quite a coincidence.

2017-07-24T05:28:17+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

I’m on a “sea” food diet.

When I “see” food, and it’s a fish, I eat it.

2017-07-24T05:16:13+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
21

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises….

She said, “It’s not in yet”.
I replied, “YES, That’s The Book!”

2017-07-24T04:44:40+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot.

He said, “Straight?”

I said, “Yeah. So don’t get any ideas, pal.”

2017-07-24T03:34:06+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

I went bowling with my daughter.

Next time I’ll just use a bowling ball.

2017-07-24T03:30:04+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
14

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..

-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

2017-07-24T03:28:45+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Feral children are really out there.

Feral children are really out there.

2017-07-24T03:23:27+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Hotels without lifts or staircases are flawless.

Hotels without lifts or staircases are flawless.

2017-07-24T01:46:06+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
22

Jesus walks into a hotel…

He hands the in keeper three nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

2017-07-24T01:41:18+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Honestly these anti-jokes aren’t funny

Honestly these anti-jokes aren’t funny

2017-07-24T01:39:42+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the mother say when she heard her child was abducted and killed?

Nothing, she just broke down and cried.

2017-07-24T01:25:49+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
22

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says “I haven’t eaten in three days”.

She replies “where do you get the self control?”

2017-07-24T01:18:25+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I saw a kidnapping today,

probably should have done something…

2017-07-24T01:07:39+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
24

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

2017-07-24T00:51:24+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Helium walks into a bar.

Don’t know why anyone would name their child “helium,” but I don’t tell people how to parent.

2017-07-24T00:34:11+00:00 24.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

There was once a starving billionaire..

..he lived in Zimbabwe.

2017-07-23T22:29:28+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”

2017-07-23T21:18:19+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

So an African American father surprises his son when he comes home unexpectedly…

“Wow dad you said you’d be at the store for at least 20 minutes. Dinner isn’t even done yet!” They finish cooking and have a quality meal together

2017-07-23T21:12:27+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
22

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

2017-07-23T20:22:23+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

An overflowing garbage bin is wastefull.

An overflowing garbage bin is wastefull.

2017-07-23T20:12:53+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

My anti jokes are so funny they get thousands of upvotes.

My anti jokes are so funny they get thousands of upvotes.

2017-07-23T20:11:06+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law.

Who lives at 1837 3rd st, LA 90023 blue house. She gets off work at 6.

2017-07-23T19:16:03+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
21

It was such an emotional wedding…

Even the cake was in tiers.

2017-07-23T19:04:33+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig

It’s not a very good poem, but it is very deep.

2017-07-23T19:02:44+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
50

Karma

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

“What was that for?” the Chinese man asked.

“That was for Pearl Harbor!” the Jewish man said.

“Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I’m Chinese.”

“Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!”

“Oh!”

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

“What was that for?” the Jewish man asked.

“That was for the Titanic!”

“The Titanic? That was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.”

2017-07-23T19:00:08+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

So, bear with me, but what if there was an animal, and again, BEAR WITH ME, that can speak human languages and is taking me hostage?

But then again, that’s preposterous. Animals can’t take hostages.

2017-07-23T18:47:08+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
43

There are two fish in a tank

One fish says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

2017-07-23T18:46:41+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

So I walk into a Five Guys…

and there are only four people working there.

2017-07-23T18:36:02+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals.
I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed.”

The doctor asks “Do you do anything before bed?”

The man says “Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web”

2017-07-23T18:34:24+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
11

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper…

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: “Why… WHY would anyone order wine?”

2017-07-23T17:59:46+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
11

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She replied: “They’re right behind you!!”.

2017-07-23T17:35:54+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

My friend has a trophy wife but I don’t think it was first place.

My friend has a trophy wife but I don’t think it was first place.

2017-07-23T17:26:20+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him “I have a few uses for a duck but I don’t have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?” The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy “You were pretty good, if you can do it again I’ll give you your duck back” the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says “Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck.”

2017-07-23T17:20:54+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

Blind man in a motorboat accident.

I once saw a Blind man and asked him how he went blind. He said “I lost my eyes in a motorboating accident. She didn’t tell me that they were pierced.”

2017-07-23T17:17:10+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

What do you get when you divide 355 jack o’lanterns by 113 jack o’lanterns?

Pumpkin Pi.

2017-07-23T17:09:20+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Which human race is the fastest?

The 0.00000000000000000000001m dash

2017-07-23T16:49:57+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”
“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.
“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

2017-07-23T16:11:09+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
15

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

2017-07-23T15:32:46+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
13

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

2017-07-23T15:27:44+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

2017-07-23T15:23:39+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today

Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

2017-07-23T15:18:30+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

The kleptomaniac forgot to take his wife’s medication.

The kleptomaniac forgot to take his wife’s medication.

2017-07-23T15:17:55+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

You guys want to hear another political joke?

Neither do I.

Credit goes to u/Mrdankdank9030, who posted this on r/jokes

2017-07-23T15:14:47+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Untrained doctors make me sick.

Untrained doctors make me sick.

2017-07-23T14:28:26+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

How can you tell if someone’s a vegan?

They don’t consume or use animal products.

2017-07-23T14:19:47+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

Between You and I

John had three testicles, and was very conscious about it.

So he went to consult a doctor.

“Dr. Green, I don’t know how else to say this, but between you and I, there are 5 balls in the room.”

Noticeably surprised, Dr. Green replies “What!? You got none?”

2017-07-23T14:12:33+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|0 Comments
23

I saw a kidnapping today

He was tired

2017-07-23T14:08:03+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
23

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

2017-07-23T13:55:13+00:00 23.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments