New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
3

Do you believe in “Dear Applicant, we regret to inform you..” at first sight or should i walk by again?

Do you believe in “Dear Applicant, we regret to inform you..” at first sight or should i walk by again?

2017-07-27T17:47:43+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

How did Johnny spike the punch the at the party.

With extra strong hold hair gel. This made the punch very happy, because he had been growing out his hair for a while but could never seem to style it right. The Punch then went on to have an the best fight on his career in the wrestling ring, his super stylish hairdo gave him the confidence to talk to that girl he was eyeing the other night at the party.

Oh and as for Johnny? He was found dead from alcohol poisoning this morning. The only one who went to his funeral was The Punch, because Johnny never was good at making friends. Frankly The Punch wasn’t even Johnny’s friend. They had only known each other for that one night when The Punch was running late to the party and needed someone to help with his hair.

The funeral was an extraordinarily sad service on several accounts. Mainly that there was no one there though. Johnny was buried under the ol’ Oak Tree, and The Punch never forgot how one simple act of kindness got him the fame and girl of his dreams.

Johnny, now a ghost (because he died stupid, remember) was not feeling as well as The Punch. See, what The Punch didn’t know is that the girl from the party was actually Johnny’s girlfriend. Johnny was a big fan of the Punch and wanted to help him in a time of need, but after he spiked his hair, he saw the way they were looking at each other. Johnny had been going through some tough times with his girlfriend. He had lost his job the month before and turned to bottles. He didn’t even tell his girlfriend at first. During what would have been work hours he went straight to the bar.

It wasn’t until two days prior that she found out. That is why Johnny took her to the party. He wanted to prove to her that he could live a successful life and by getting into such a prestigious party he thought he could do so. By talking to The Punch his goal was to network and possibly get a job as a personal stylist. That all changed when he saw the way they were looking at each other. In despair he drank himself to death and was found dead a mile away outside the park.

Johnny wanted his vengeance. He vowed to haunt his ex and The Punch for now on. He would open and close doors. Knock over objects sitting on tables, and do various ghostly things. Unfortunately for Johnny The Punch was a man of God and called on the local priest to come and cleanse the house of its evil spirit. Johnny’s sad soul was no match for the power of the Lord, and was swiftly banished from haunting the earth and sent straight to the depths of hell for all eternity. And they all lived happily ever after.

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TL/DR: Understandable…

2017-07-27T17:41:09+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a trans person with dirty glasses?

Their preferred pronoun.

2017-07-27T17:12:12+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

You know what’s wrong with United Airlines?

Because I would really like to know.

2017-07-27T16:30:30+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I collect fag ends because I’m a butt man.

I collect fag ends because I’m a butt man.

2017-07-27T16:29:06+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
26

What is a necrophiliac pirate’s favorite hobby?

Diggin’ for booty.

2017-07-27T16:23:49+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

2017-07-27T16:04:09+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a blind man named Joe?

Joe. Duh.

2017-07-27T15:46:44+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
13

A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, “no I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just try it.” So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, “now turn it around.” And wow! It tastes just like coke!
A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He’s confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic!
So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, “dude you’ll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!” So, skeptical, the guy says “ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy.” The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, “ew that tastes like shit!” The bartender says, “turn it around.”

2017-07-27T15:29:10+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
39

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M’s down the toilet.

2017-07-27T15:24:38+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

A man and a woman were driving down the road

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “What in the heck was that?!?”

Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a fly, honey.”

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. “I’m surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!”

2017-07-27T15:10:27+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.

Now that cartoons are replaced with infomercials, I have Saturday mournings.

2017-07-27T15:01:02+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
15

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

2017-07-27T14:55:18+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

I lost my watch at a party once.

About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while harassing a woman. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

2017-07-27T14:00:46+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
12

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

2017-07-27T13:24:53+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…

2017-07-27T13:23:03+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard

2017-07-27T12:57:04+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Watch out! Boxings a bout.

Watch out! Boxings a bout.

2017-07-27T11:59:06+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I’d start thinking about you.

2017-07-27T11:57:25+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
13

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, ”

“Now remember….that’s all original leather. You can’t let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don’t have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off.”

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he’s ever eaten with her family.

“I should let you know the rule of the table” she said. “There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.”

The guy doesn’t think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family’s house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself “This is going to be harder than I thought….” then he gets another idea…..

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn’t make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, “ALRIGHT, I’LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!”

Edit: A Classic Joke

2017-07-27T11:12:12+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Whats the difference between r/jokes and r/antijokes

People just come here for easy upvotes

2017-07-27T10:18:30+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working in a construction yard…

It gets to lunchtime, the men sit down on a half-constructed skyscraper and the Englishman opens his sandwich bag.

He says “Oh great, I’ve got cheese sandwiches AGAIN”

The Scotsman and Irishman also have cheese sandwiches.

The Englishman says “Tell you what chaps, if I have cheese sandwiches again tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Scotsman and Irishman agree to do the same.

The next day, they all have cheese sandwiches and so, as agreed, they all jump off the building.

Their partners meet up at the funeral.

The Englishman’s wife says “If he’d just told me, I’d have made him some other sandwiches”

The Irishman’s wife says “I agree, all he had to do was ask”

The Scotsman’s wife, who seemed the most distraught, then piped up and says “I don’t know why he jumped, he makes his own sandwiches in the morning”

2017-07-27T09:48:12+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Feeling generous, the bartender says the drink’s on the house. The man says…

…thanks.

2017-07-27T09:06:43+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
22

Word of the day. Urinate.

A teacher announces to the class at the start of a lesson, “The word of the day is urinate. Can anybody use it in a sentence?”

After none of the students in class attempts an answer, eager Little Johnny with his hand raised and waving, is reluctantly called on by the teacher for an answer.

As she sighs upon picking the only student willing to answer, Little Johnny announces to the class, “You’re an eight, ma’am, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”

2017-07-27T08:51:50+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
24

A guy was thrown into the jail for refusing to take a nap

He was resisting a rest

2017-07-27T08:44:30+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call two doctors?

By their names

2017-07-27T08:10:37+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

an idiot can honestly say “I did not choose to be a genius so get off my back”

an idiot can honestly say “I did not choose to be a genius so get off my back”

2017-07-27T07:35:22+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man who suffered a severe stroke that left half of his face clearly paralyzed walks into a gun store to buy a large caliber handgun. The owner asks “You’re not going to kill yourself are you?”. The man says “No.” and they both start laughing heartily.

The man then goes back to his car and ends his life.

1

I’m so lazy i’ll procrastinate later

I’m so lazy i’ll procrastinate later

2017-07-27T06:38:58+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms of Service.

2017-07-27T06:35:14+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the man say when he fell off his bike?

Ouch.

2017-07-27T06:22:42+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the muslim cross the road?

To get to the mosque on the other side

2017-07-27T05:43:01+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What happens when a car flies off a cliff?

It crashes

2017-07-27T04:29:30+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What did the detective say to the gay police officer?

Good morning officer.

2017-07-27T04:02:35+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
46

What’s the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John F Kennedy

2017-07-27T03:16:51+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
39

If a priest became a lawyer, what would he be?

A Father-in-law

2017-07-27T03:11:26+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
18

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

2017-07-27T02:50:27+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
28

I went to the doctors with hearing problems…

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer’s a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

2017-07-27T01:40:59+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Ferris wheels are revolutionary.

Ferris wheels are revolutionary.

2017-07-27T01:39:41+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump’s military trans ban…

I mean, wouldn’t all those attack helicopters be useful??

2017-07-27T00:11:53+00:00 27.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A person walks into a bar.

His alcohol dependency is tearing apart his family.
(Originally posted on r/jokes, then i realised this isnt funny and is cold, so i posted it here.)

2017-07-26T23:28:04+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
26

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

2017-07-26T23:25:13+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
27

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding — the job almost finished — he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

2017-07-26T23:15:08+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

My Ex Used to Hit Me With Musical Instruments

I left her because it was a toxic and abusive relationship.

2017-07-26T22:54:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What is 1+1?

An addition.

2017-07-26T22:41:31+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
29

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump…

He tries to talk her down, but she’s too distraught. Finally, he says to her, “Well, if you’re gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?”

She replies, “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die.”

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it’s over, he’s completely dazed. “That was incredible!” he says. “Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such… *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?”

“It’s my father. He disowned me.”

“But why!?”

“For dressing up as a woman.”

2017-07-26T22:09:39+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
17

Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..

So long as they open joint accounts.

2017-07-26T22:07:40+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Click me.

If you were using a tablet or smartphone to open this, the title would have been “Touch me.” However, it sounds a little weird so I went with the original title.

2017-07-26T22:04:14+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
18

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.

2017-07-26T21:56:12+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

That’ll be counselling then for low impact CBT.

2017-07-26T21:00:36+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments