New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

I don’t like policemen, they’re always looking for trouble.

I don’t like policemen, they’re always looking for trouble.

2017-08-19T13:51:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Howlong is a Chinese

I know because Howlong is my friend

2017-08-19T13:33:48+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
15

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is “there.”

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They’re parking their car over there.

2017-08-19T12:11:44+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Girlfriend:”Babe, come over to my house.”

Me:”Sounds good! …are your parents at home?”

Girlfriend:”My parents are gone for the weekend ;)”

Me:”So you say I should come over to your place even though there is no adult supervision? Sorry, not possible.”

2017-08-19T10:59:36+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

A son asks his father about the birds and the bees…

The father tells him about sex and they both carry on with their lives.

2017-08-19T10:34:00+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

Bae: come over! Me: I can’t. Bae: My parents aren’t home!

Me: Clearly you are inferring that we would be able to partake in sexual intercourse if I were to come. Although I would very much like to do that, it doesn’t change the fact that I am unable to visit your home at this time.

2017-08-19T09:41:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

It wasn’t, numbers are mere concepts and so do not possess the ability to feel fear.

2017-08-19T09:23:33+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

I’m sorry I called you Zorro. That was insensitive of me. And when I laughed under my breath that was even more uncool. Ouch, stop clawing at me you damn raccoon.

2017-08-19T09:15:16+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

2017-08-19T09:13:08+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

My goldfish died and I only got to take him on one walk.

My goldfish died and I only got to take him on one walk.

2017-08-19T08:57:55+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

2017-08-19T08:52:08+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
26

My wife left me because I was too insecure.

Nevermind, she just went to the grocery store.

2017-08-19T08:33:05+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

What’s Donald Trump’s least favorite band?

Foreigner.

2017-08-19T07:52:38+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

2017-08-19T07:41:43+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why don’t the seagulls fly over the bay?

Because they will become begals.

2017-08-19T07:11:09+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the easiest way to pick up a chick?

Don’t be bald. Seriously. Hair is important.

2017-08-19T07:02:02+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Where is a best place to take a leak at a bar?

In the bathroom

2017-08-19T06:53:44+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker

Self-checkout every time

2017-08-19T06:50:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between North Korea and EA?

One is a country dictated by Kim Jong Un while the other is a large video game developing company.

2017-08-19T06:33:04+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
29

What Colour Confuses an Idiot?

Blue

2017-08-19T05:54:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

What’s black and white

An Oreo

2017-08-19T05:45:41+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

2017-08-19T05:45:14+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s green and has wheels

Grass. I was kidding about the wheels

2017-08-19T05:23:25+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

2017-08-19T04:46:42+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I had a dream I was having sex, but then I came to.

I had a dream I was having sex, but then I came to.

2017-08-19T04:37:14+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

I live in North Korea and I’m ready to tell the world what it’s really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

2017-08-19T04:26:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

How do you pick up chicks?

Snatch one from the coop and hope the mother doesn’t get angry

2017-08-19T04:21:46+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

I don’t see why in this day and age there aren’t marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

2017-08-19T04:19:51+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
26

They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I’m pretty sure it’s Marc. He’s really cute

2017-08-19T02:48:55+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Trump Hotel buys counterfeit Picassos – fake nudes.

Trump Hotel buys counterfeit Picassos – fake nudes.

2017-08-19T02:32:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

The idea of unsalted almonds is just plain nuts

The idea of unsalted almonds is just plain nuts

2017-08-19T02:18:51+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It’s the center of a tension.

2017-08-19T02:16:26+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Don’t ever let your party bus driver crash the party

Don’t ever let your party bus driver crash the party

2017-08-19T02:08:15+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
21

Why should you never make fun of a fat person with a lisp?

Because he’s thick and tired of it

2017-08-19T01:48:34+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse then neighs and looks nervous, because it’s an unusual setting for a horse to be in. He knocks over a few tables but manages to find his way back outside

2017-08-19T01:14:35+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m addicted to seaweed…

I must seek kelp…

2017-08-19T01:11:28+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What is the man that is allergic to sunlight’s least favourite day?

The day he dies

2017-08-19T01:03:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

What went wrong with Trump’s Suicide Attempt

Fake Noose

2017-08-19T00:58:28+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a dinosaur who can’t get through a door?

fat

2017-08-19T00:57:16+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is extremely heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

2017-08-19T00:50:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Say what you will about Elon Musk, but with his plan to bring people to mars there’s never been a more creative serial killer.

Say what you will about Elon Musk, but with his plan to bring people to mars there’s never been a more creative serial killer.

2017-08-18T23:58:15+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
25

I’m thinking of moving to Switzerland

No particular reason, but the flag’s a big plus

2017-08-18T23:57:53+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What starts with “dr” has “tij” in the middle and ends with “pnr”?

Not at all!

What starts with “w”, has “ha” in the middle and ends with “t”!

2017-08-18T23:53:46+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why was the 3 year old African child crying?

Because he had malaria

2017-08-18T23:42:06+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
12

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

2017-08-18T23:33:16+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

“Dad, why is my sister called Rose?”

“Becausre your mother likes roses.”

“Thanks dad”

“No problem Alex.”

2017-08-18T23:22:40+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Lightly used condoms for sale, no weirdos.

Lightly used condoms for sale, no weirdos.

2017-08-18T22:56:29+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I jerk off the same way shampoo nourishes my hair, root to tip.

I jerk off the same way shampoo nourishes my hair, root to tip.

2017-08-18T22:40:59+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
17

What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost)

North Kor

2017-08-18T22:36:57+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Whats the difference between Ea and North Korea

One is a compagny the other one is a country.

2017-08-18T22:27:34+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments