New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
0

My girlfriend and I broke up

It is an emotiontional time, but your upvote may help me through it

2017-08-19T21:24:03+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
18

What’s E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

2017-08-19T19:43:05+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

If there was a reality show about Flat-Earthers trying to find the edge of the world

Then it would either go on forever or end after the first season

2017-08-19T18:40:13+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
25

For the people who think Jesus is coming back.

Come on, guys. He wasn’t nailed to a fuckin boomerang.

2017-08-19T18:36:45+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?

I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?

2017-08-19T18:13:48+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
19

Hey, did you hear about that statue of Robert E Lee?

[removed]

2017-08-19T18:07:39+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]

2017-08-19T17:53:40+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
22

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that’s all about.

“Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?” Asks the bartender. The guy replies “well, I’ve got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we’ve decided that each of us will drink three beers every day, one for each of us.”

The bartenders curiosity is sated. The guy continues to do this for about a month, until he comes in one day and orders only two beers.

“I’m sorry for your loss”, says the bartender.

The guy is confused, and then says “oh no, nobody died. I just quit drinking.”

2017-08-19T17:45:00+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man was walking and he found a bill dropped in the street

He paid it

2017-08-19T17:40:25+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
31

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

2017-08-19T16:52:36+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

I told my doctor that I broke my arms in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

2017-08-19T16:47:12+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy

It’s really sad, they’re less likely to find a partner and are often bullied which leads to depression and sometimes suicide.

2017-08-19T16:16:23+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

Penis vs vagina which is better.(kinda long)

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

2017-08-19T16:14:02+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

2017-08-19T15:55:33+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
12

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him

2017-08-19T15:34:31+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
35

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

“Let’s have sex with a cat” suggested the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”

2017-08-19T15:24:32+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
17

For a guy i think i have a nice butt,

Because evertime i walk away from a conversation i hear, “What an ass”.

2017-08-19T14:45:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

2017-08-19T14:25:16+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

2017-08-19T14:17:05+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

I’m banned from all my local pubs; I’m not a very good barman.

I’m banned from all my local pubs; I’m not a very good barman.

2017-08-19T13:59:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I don’t like policemen, they’re always looking for trouble.

I don’t like policemen, they’re always looking for trouble.

2017-08-19T13:51:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Howlong is a Chinese

I know because Howlong is my friend

2017-08-19T13:33:48+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
14

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

…..and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

2017-08-19T12:29:13+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
15

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is “there.”

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They’re parking their car over there.

2017-08-19T12:11:44+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

What is green but turns red when you push the button

A frog in a blender

2017-08-19T11:55:17+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Girlfriend:”Babe, come over to my house.”

Me:”Sounds good! …are your parents at home?”

Girlfriend:”My parents are gone for the weekend ;)”

Me:”So you say I should come over to your place even though there is no adult supervision? Sorry, not possible.”

2017-08-19T10:59:36+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

A feminist asked me how I see lesbian relationships.

“In HD” was apparently the wrong answer.

2017-08-19T10:39:21+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A son asks his father about the birds and the bees…

The father tells him about sex and they both carry on with their lives.

2017-08-19T10:34:00+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

Bae: come over! Me: I can’t. Bae: My parents aren’t home!

Me: Clearly you are inferring that we would be able to partake in sexual intercourse if I were to come. Although I would very much like to do that, it doesn’t change the fact that I am unable to visit your home at this time.

2017-08-19T09:41:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

It wasn’t, numbers are mere concepts and so do not possess the ability to feel fear.

2017-08-19T09:23:33+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

I’m sorry I called you Zorro. That was insensitive of me. And when I laughed under my breath that was even more uncool. Ouch, stop clawing at me you damn raccoon.

2017-08-19T09:15:16+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

2017-08-19T09:13:08+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
26

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is…..?”

2017-08-19T09:07:01+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

My goldfish died and I only got to take him on one walk.

My goldfish died and I only got to take him on one walk.

2017-08-19T08:57:55+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

2017-08-19T08:52:08+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
28

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

Edit: A joke from the Bush era I still find funny.

2017-08-19T08:52:07+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
26

My wife left me because I was too insecure.

Nevermind, she just went to the grocery store.

2017-08-19T08:33:05+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

What’s Donald Trump’s least favorite band?

Foreigner.

2017-08-19T07:52:38+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

2017-08-19T07:41:43+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why don’t the seagulls fly over the bay?

Because they will become begals.

2017-08-19T07:11:09+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the easiest way to pick up a chick?

Don’t be bald. Seriously. Hair is important.

2017-08-19T07:02:02+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Where is a best place to take a leak at a bar?

In the bathroom

2017-08-19T06:53:44+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker

Self-checkout every time

2017-08-19T06:50:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between North Korea and EA?

One is a country dictated by Kim Jong Un while the other is a large video game developing company.

2017-08-19T06:33:04+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
29

What Colour Confuses an Idiot?

Blue

2017-08-19T05:54:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

What’s black and white

An Oreo

2017-08-19T05:45:41+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

2017-08-19T05:45:14+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s green and has wheels

Grass. I was kidding about the wheels

2017-08-19T05:23:25+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger.

2017-08-19T04:46:42+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I had a dream I was having sex, but then I came to.

I had a dream I was having sex, but then I came to.

2017-08-19T04:37:14+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments