New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

I was at the bar last night

and i think tonight I will go to the same bar again

2017-08-22T09:14:46+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
25

What follows 16 Sodium atoms into a bar?

Batman.

2017-08-22T06:44:59+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

2017-08-22T06:26:33+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

2017-08-22T06:11:13+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

the rich man rolled in mud but failed to become filthy rich

the rich man rolled in mud but failed to become filthy rich

2017-08-22T05:47:19+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

If god had wanted man to read he would have given man a book instead of saying the words to man who wrote it in a book

If god had wanted man to read he would have given man a book instead of saying the words to man who wrote it in a book

2017-08-22T05:36:13+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I’m great in bed, I can fall asleep in minutes.

I’m great in bed, I can fall asleep in minutes.

2017-08-22T05:24:49+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

When is a joke not a joke?

Please stop hitting me daddy T.T

2017-08-22T05:19:53+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
22

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

2017-08-22T05:13:22+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

The only thing I hate more than people with pets, are people with strong opinions.

The only thing I hate more than people with pets, are people with strong opinions.

2017-08-22T05:08:51+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
24

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have good jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have good jobs and are attractive.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have good jobs and are attractive and love kids and help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

2017-08-22T04:55:32+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How many black guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Or two, if it requires a ladder and the floor is uneven, and one guy needs to hold the ladder.

2017-08-22T04:50:42+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
22

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

2017-08-22T04:37:47+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

When you’re talking to the heavens it’s important to speak up.

When you’re talking to the heavens it’s important to speak up.

2017-08-22T03:56:55+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Ask me the secret to comedy

Ask me the secret to comedy

2017-08-22T03:25:47+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
2

A Zionist, an Isis member, an alt-right member, an antifa member, Kim Jung Un, and Donald Trump all walk into a bar

But they were all different bars serving the appropriate cleintele and with a great deal of space and time between them–so there was no bloodshed and everything went fine.

2017-08-22T03:17:17+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is obsessed with mint; sometimes she likes to masturbate with my toothpaste.

My wife is obsessed with mint; sometimes she likes to masturbate with my toothpaste.

2017-08-22T02:52:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

The creator of The Human Centipede took Connect Four a bit too seriously.

The creator of The Human Centipede took Connect Four a bit too seriously.

2017-08-22T02:39:39+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

The Sun and Moon walk into an alcoholic weasel

Beer? Goes the weasel
No, goes the Moon
Rum? Goes the weasel
No, goes the Sun
Gin? Goes the weasel
NO! IT’S POP GOES THE WEASEL YOU DOORKNOB, goes the Sun and Moon in unison

2017-08-22T02:35:06+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Who would win in a real life game of Battleship?

Obviously not the U.S. Navy.

2017-08-22T02:28:27+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A cult is a monogamous relationship in how you’re not allowed to keep seeing your other loved ones

A cult is a monogamous relationship in how you’re not allowed to keep seeing your other loved ones

2017-08-22T02:26:11+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

“Dad, why did you name my sister Rain?”

Dad: “Because it was the first thing that fell on her after she was born”
Kid: “Thank you dad”
Dad: “I’m not your father you’re adopted”

2017-08-22T02:20:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I like to steer away from road animals.

I like to steer away from road animals.

2017-08-22T02:18:03+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What would happen if you threw blue sneakers in the Red Sea?

They would get wet

2017-08-22T01:44:30+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
3

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

2017-08-22T01:42:59+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
41

The sun blacks out on a work day & everyone is amazed.

I do it and people say I’ve “got a problem.”

2017-08-22T01:42:14+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

SAVE OUR OCEANS, ONE PRANK AT A TIME!

There are trillions of pieces of trash in our oceans and that number grows everyday.

Our company, JunkMail, strives to help clean our oceans, one prank at a time.

Our model is simple, we go and collect trash from our local beaches, clean in with eco-friendly cleaner, wrap it up in a nice biodegradable bag, and send it to your worst enemy with a card reading “You’re Trashy”. Each bag is labelled with the exact coordinates of where the garbage was collected, so you can see where the trash originated from.

We guarantee there’s some trashy people in your life. Recent break up? Boss being a jerk? Co-worker gets promotion? Friend gets married? Guy looks at you wrong?

We want to spread awareness about the garbage and waste problems in our oceans, and give people a comdeic way to do so.

So check us out and help SAVE OUR OCEANS!

https://sendjunkmail.myshopify.com/

2017-08-22T01:35:25+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today…

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

2017-08-22T01:30:39+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Trump!!!

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell. While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: “Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

2017-08-22T01:27:14+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Lesbians love to eat-out.

Lesbians love to eat-out.

2017-08-22T01:18:41+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

LPT Everytime your girlfriend/wife gives you a blowjob, put a dollar in a jar.

On her birthday, buy her a present with only the money in the jar.

2017-08-22T01:14:10+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Over a dog’s life Spaniel learn many puns.

Over a dog’s life Spaniel learn many puns.

2017-08-22T01:04:50+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Lazy people need to get their arse in gear, whereas smugglers need to get their gear in arse.

Lazy people need to get their arse in gear, whereas smugglers need to get their gear in arse.

2017-08-22T00:54:19+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Why didn’t the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees.

2017-08-22T00:34:56+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Roses are red, violets are blue..

I have Alzheimers.

Cheese on toast.

2017-08-22T00:28:06+00:00 22.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

I tried to come up with a anti-joke worthy of this sub.

But I couldn’t do it. Sorry.

2017-08-21T23:53:54+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
36

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

2017-08-21T23:53:42+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
21

I like to read r/Fencing..

But it’s all ripostes

2017-08-21T23:49:21+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
37

This homeless man had a sign that said “one day this could be you”

So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn’t lying

2017-08-21T23:47:08+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Wanna hear a joke

No.

Oh okay

2017-08-21T23:32:58+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

Two reasons I don’t drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

2017-08-21T23:31:40+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the dildo say to the fleshlight?

Nothing, both of the aforementioned are inaminate adult toys and are incapable of communication.

2017-08-21T23:17:56+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why do people laugh at antijokes?

Because they’re kind of funny

2017-08-21T23:11:35+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is a real bitch.

Which is normal when you’re married to a dog.

2017-08-21T22:26:25+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse…

I’d have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

2017-08-21T22:01:37+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

I got a girlfriend today!

I wish I could post this on any other thread.

2017-08-21T21:57:46+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

The eclipse, eh.. one star

The eclipse, eh.. one star

2017-08-21T21:48:09+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

“- Mom, what’s an orgasm?”

“- I don’t know, go ask your father.”

2017-08-21T21:10:20+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
3

The Sun and Moon walked into a coffee shop today

The coffee shop burned down because the Sun is 5,778 Kelvin.

2017-08-21T21:04:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
3

I do my homeworks like I do drugs.

I don’t do drugs.

2017-08-21T20:50:14+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments