New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

As I get older and remember all the people I lost among the way

I think about how I’ll go one day too. I’ve struggled so much, endured so many hardships only to realize it doesn’t matter now. Maybe I should’ve made an effort to be happier, but does it really matter now? I’m just going to die anyway, just like them. Maybe I’ll never come up with an answer, but it won’t matter soon enough.

2017-08-18T06:45:22+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did one tomato say to the other

Nothing tomatoes can’t fucking speak

2017-08-18T06:27:28+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Why don’t tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them.

2017-08-18T05:56:59+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

When the thief stole a calendar, he got 12 months.

When the thief stole a calendar, he got 12 months.

2017-08-18T05:41:07+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

What do you feed a gay horse?

Hayyyy!!!

2017-08-18T04:25:15+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Black People.

2017-08-18T04:16:34+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Once upon a time there was a king named King John…

Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone’s gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom.

One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, “How are we going to solve this problem?”. The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, “I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do.” Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. “What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land.” “That’s a wicked idea” said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army.

Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it – more land for all (including the goat).

At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, “Don’t worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We’ll continue after breakfast”. So they did.

They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn’t have so much beer. The king wasn’t taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. “AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH” he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding […]

2017-08-18T03:40:18+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
32

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: “Today one more communist will die”

2017-08-18T03:21:14+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead cross a busy road.

They make it safely to the other side because they’re careful and hair colour is no indicator of intellect or common sense.

2017-08-18T03:19:13+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My sex therapist is so fucking frigid!!!

My sex therapist is so fucking frigid!!!

2017-08-18T02:51:17+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I’ll start marking my calendar one of these days.

I’ll start marking my calendar one of these days.

2017-08-18T02:27:33+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I’ve been a customer of his for 15 years and i didn’t even know he sold drugs

2017-08-18T02:10:36+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What starts with “dr” has “tij” in the middle and ends in “pnr”?

dr this is a bad antijoke pnr

2017-08-18T02:01:48+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Knock knock . . .

Who’s there?

To

To who?

No no . . . to whom.

2017-08-18T01:54:20+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Before I had a sex change, I always used to do drugs; now I’m Coleen.

Before I had a sex change, I always used to do drugs; now I’m Coleen.

2017-08-18T00:19:16+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
43

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, “Hey, look at that, deer tracks!”

The second blonde chimes in and responds, “No, Becky, those are moose tracks!”

The third blonde steps in and says, “You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!”

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

2017-08-18T00:14:06+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I can post anything I want here…

Except for an actual joke.

2017-08-18T00:04:56+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Does a train with no boiler pressure have low self-esteam?

Does a train with no boiler pressure have low self-esteam?

2017-08-18T00:03:22+00:00 18.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How many blondes does it take to screw a lightbulb?

One

2017-08-17T23:57:56+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A duck walks into a bar

He hops up onto a bar stool and the bartender, after regarding him for a bit, asks him “what can I get for you, duck”?

The duck says “I’ll have a negroni,” to which the bartender nods. He’s a good customer, and has been for a long time obviously, and they often engage in philosophical banter.

“Duck,” says the bartender, “you see that horse down there? I asked him ‘why the long face’ and it turns out his family was killed when lightning struck their barn and he can still hear their screams”.

The duck pauses and looks down into his drink, and after a minute, speaks “Bartender, his family is waiting for him in the next life, a place from which our vision is obscured due to a complex barrier of biological and logical puzzles we cannot pierce as physical beings.” He sips his drink, continuing “this life, as all things – including his pain – is transitory and we are all destined to be one in the great hereafter. Please send him a gin and soda and my regards”. The bartender asks, “should I…put it on your bill?”
Though he does have a running tab, the duck shakes his head, “no, today I’ll pay for this one in cash”.

2017-08-17T23:08:47+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I fell out with my vegan girlfiend and it was my fault, I falafel now.

I fell out with my vegan girlfiend and it was my fault, I falafel now.

2017-08-17T22:57:02+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

But if you have a good reason not to, then I’m fine with it.

2017-08-17T22:51:56+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A black guy and a Mexican are in a car, who’s driving?

Due to the Mexican’s recent 2nd degree burns, the black guy is required to escort his peer to the nearest hospital for immediate medical attention.

2017-08-17T22:44:38+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
82

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn’t actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

2017-08-17T21:41:22+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
73

So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”

Quick as a flash that bastard replied “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

2017-08-17T21:35:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

You know the drill

Its a hand tool, power tool, or machine with a rotating cutting tip or reciprocating hammer or chisel, used for making holes.

2017-08-17T21:23:36+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
38

What’s worse than tennis elbow?

Golf Balls

2017-08-17T21:03:14+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

2017-08-17T20:25:32+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
26

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

2017-08-17T20:23:52+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Dark humor is like food

Wait, no it’s not

2017-08-17T20:17:46+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

It takes budding entrepreneurs to start a marijuana company

It takes budding entrepreneurs to start a marijuana company

2017-08-17T20:11:31+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust

2017-08-17T20:09:48+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I wanted to set up a medical marijuana company by myself, but quickly realized that it would have to be a joint venture.

I wanted to set up a medical marijuana company by myself, but quickly realized that it would have to be a joint venture.

2017-08-17T20:08:27+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
2

Sex at 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope .

Sex at 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope .

2017-08-17T20:07:04+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
47

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night…

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

“Drunk again?!” she asks.

He chuckles and says “Hey, me too.”

2017-08-17T20:04:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

What joke has the slowest build-up to the shittiest punchline?

Life

2017-08-17T19:46:26+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
23

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him,

“Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

 
The man replies, “Boobs!”

2017-08-17T19:43:28+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
30

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

2017-08-17T19:40:14+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
23

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

2017-08-17T19:35:10+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I bought a fountain pen and now my notepad is drenched.

I bought a fountain pen and now my notepad is drenched.

2017-08-17T19:32:29+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

My anal said if we try 1000 upvotes, we can try GF.

My life is upvoting please fall it apart.

2017-08-17T19:30:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

It takes time for a clock to work properly.

It takes time for a clock to work properly.

2017-08-17T19:30:34+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
66

Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home…

You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

2017-08-17T19:24:58+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
41

There’s two types of people

Those that can deduce facts from incomplete data

2017-08-17T18:52:19+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Hold her head underwater for a few minutes. All humans need oxygen regardless of hair color.

2017-08-17T18:34:47+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I sniffed Tipp-ex and took Viagra and ended up with a really big correction.

I sniffed Tipp-ex and took Viagra and ended up with a really big correction.

2017-08-17T17:47:07+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don’t succeed…

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don’t succeed…

2017-08-17T17:30:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
31

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
“A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!”

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone’s surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

“Oh, that’s easy.” Replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

2017-08-17T17:16:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
37

Self deprecating jokes are the best.

Unless I make them.

2017-08-17T17:03:59+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
27

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure’s

2017-08-17T16:58:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments