New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

2017-08-17T08:51:33+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
25

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

2017-08-17T06:37:34+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

2017-08-17T06:35:18+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
28

What does a black man call a black lawyer?

A brother in law

2017-08-17T05:43:07+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Do you want to hear an Anti-Joke?

Me too thanks

2017-08-17T05:39:37+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

A bald man went to a barber shop

He did not receive a haircut.

2017-08-17T04:50:10+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

All types of thieves are bad, but bakery robbers really take the cake.

All types of thieves are bad, but bakery robbers really take the cake.

2017-08-17T04:47:32+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
24

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle…

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

2017-08-17T04:45:19+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
34

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing…..

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.

” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God

2017-08-17T04:31:38+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

How high is a Chinaman?

On average, approximately 5’6″ (or 167 cm). Though China is a big country and there’s considerable variation, particularly between rural and urban areas.

Incidentally, the term “Chinaman” might be considered somewhat racist nowadays; “mainland Chinese man” is probably preferable in this context, JFYI.

2017-08-17T03:42:40+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
24

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

2017-08-17T03:30:44+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”

“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”

2017-08-17T02:42:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
0

All in favor to send psychology majors to North Korea to help King Kong Jon say “aye.”

All in favor to send psychology majors to North Korea to help King Kong Jon say “aye.”

2017-08-17T02:33:26+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, failure is easy, success is hard.

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, failure is easy, success is hard.

2017-08-17T02:18:35+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
32

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.

The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…

The coffin stops.

2017-08-17T02:14:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
49

How did the farmer find his missing wife?

He tractor down. ๐Ÿšœ๐Ÿšœ๐Ÿšœ

2017-08-17T01:53:57+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

2017-08-17T01:52:13+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

An apple a day

Keeps the hunger dorment for a short period of time.

2017-08-17T01:47:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
31

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

2017-08-17T01:47:46+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

2017-08-17T01:45:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

2017-08-17T01:38:49+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

2017-08-17T01:32:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
37

A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Honey, pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery!” Excited, she responds “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”

“I don’t care – just get the fuck out!”

2017-08-17T00:49:40+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
44

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

2017-08-17T00:48:20+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

How to you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family

2017-08-17T00:42:04+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

Who did Matthew McConaughey blame in the protests in Charlottesville?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

2017-08-16T23:59:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
0

What is Stephen Hawking’s favorite bird?

I don’t know. Probably an barn owl or something…

2017-08-16T23:47:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is Stephen Hawking’s favorite bird?

I don’t know. Probably an barn owl or something…

2017-08-16T23:37:34+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I donโ€™t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

2017-08-16T23:35:02+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
29

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it’s a vacuum.

2017-08-16T23:11:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Christmas presents.

2017-08-16T21:03:23+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
32

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That’s just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

2017-08-16T20:36:41+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Apparently, neo Nazis have forgotten how powerful the Jews really are. Nine days from today, as a small reminder, we will blot out the sun.

Apparently, neo Nazis have forgotten how powerful the Jews really are. Nine days from today, as a small reminder, we will blot out the sun.

2017-08-16T20:32:44+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
17

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn โ€œoโ€ into an โ€œOโ€.

2017-08-16T20:24:04+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
22

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish nobody can find.

2017-08-16T20:22:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
25

An older couple is getting married…

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, “What’s your opinion on sex?”

The bride says, “I prefer it infrequently.”

The man replies, “Is infrequently one word or two?”

2017-08-16T20:11:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

If a tree falls

If a tree falls

2017-08-16T20:04:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

If a tree falls and no one hears it…

…you know youโ€™re about to hear a bad joke.

2017-08-16T19:56:24+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
45

My favorite joke about confederate statues

[removed]

2017-08-16T19:41:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did Albert Einstein say when he saw the first atomic bomb detonate?

ืœืื—ืจ ืžืกืคืจ ืฉื ื™ื ืฉืœ ืขื‘ื•ื“ื” ืงืฉื”, ืขืฉื™ื ื• ืืช ื–ื”. ื™ืฆืจื ื• ืคืฆืฆื” ื”ื—ื–ืง ื‘ื™ื•ืชืจ ื‘ืขื•ืœื. ืœื›ื‘ื•ื“ ื”ื•ื ืœื™ ืœื”ื™ื•ืช ื—ืœืง ื”ื™ืฉื’ ืžื“ื”ื™ื ื–ื” ื•ืœืื—ืœ ื”ืฆืœื—ื” ืœืืžืจื™ืงื” ื‘ืฉืืจ ืžืœื—ืžืช ื”ืขื•ืœื ื”ืฉื ื™ื™ื”.

2017-08-16T19:34:26+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Roses are black, violets are black,

Everything’s black, someone turned off the lights

2017-08-16T19:24:10+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A dinosaur, chef, and circus performer all walk into a bar, know what happens next?

Cause I sure as hell don’t.

2017-08-16T19:14:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
27

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, “I don’t even see them on the menu. What page are you on?”

2017-08-16T18:50:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

One of my Grandfather’s old jokes

Hey there, my Grandfather recently passed away. The man was known for his light-hearted personality and his love for either seeing the humor in all things and his love for jokes! Therefore, I have a few to share for you. They’re real zingers, I promise!

Three guys apply for a job at a construction site and go to meet the foreman. The foreman say “Alright, well I’d love to hire you all however we only have room to hire one person right now so I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Whoever can take one of those bricks over there and throw it the highest will be hired”.

So, the first guy whose looking fairly confident walks up, grabs a brick and kind of weighs it in his hand. He looks up, and tosses is as high as he can. It goes up about two and a half stories before coming down. He walks past the other two and confidently says “good luck beating that!”

So the second guy walks up, same thing, picks up a brick and looks it over and then tosses it up as high as he can. This time, the brick goes up about 3 and a half stories before coming down. He looks over to the other two man with a smirk and then steps aside.

The third guy is kind of scrawny and looks a little nervous, but he walks up to the pile and grabs a White brick. He takes that white brick, winds up, and tosses it as high as he can…and it never comes down!

Zing! My grandfather was a funny dude.

2017-08-16T18:49:57+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do Dexter Manley and Floyd Mayweather have in common?

~~They can’t read.~~ They’re both black.

2017-08-16T18:07:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

A very sad day today

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckinโ€™ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

2017-08-16T17:57:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

2017-08-16T17:53:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

2017-08-16T17:30:49+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks fine into an airport lounge…

When he walks out again, he’s halting. Why?

He put on leg on the knee so it fell asleep

2017-08-16T17:25:55+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, “Ok, you take care of the inventory”. Tells the Polish guy, “You take care of accounting” and tells the Japanese guy, “You take care of supplies.”

The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can’t find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.

After hours of searching, they still can’t find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams “SUPPLIES!!!!”…

2017-08-16T17:18:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments