I haven’t put a thermometer near my scrotum recently but I’m pretty sure its hot as balls
“What’s inside?” I asked.
“It’s mindblowing!” the shop owner says.
So I opened the doll.
Suddenly, a high-intensity beam shot out of the doll, obliterating my brains.
Because my best friend is an arsehole when he’s drunk. Even if he was fucking drunk he should have known better. I was half unconscious for fucks sake and whenever I tried to move or get up you just shushed me back to sleep or chocked me into submission. You literally forced my mouth open to put your penis in it. And I’m never going to know half of what else you did because I was in and out of consciousness. I fucking trusted you more than anybody else in the world. Why could you do this to me, come on you know I was just getting over when my fucking cousin did it to me. You got me at my lowest possible fucking point fuck you. I’m not angry I’m just disappointed. And another thing you know I have a girlfriend too, you were messaging her the whole fucking time. ‘She’s a lucky girl’. ‘I just want to make her happy’. ‘I wet my finger lol’. ‘I am not responsible for what I do’. ‘I can’t stop’. So just fuck you man, I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your life. But I forgive you.
Um… I mean… Because she… uh.. wanted it.. or something?
We would have to define “you.” There’s a huge difference if I’m talking to each person in the subreddit or the subreddit as a whole.
2 days later he died of internal bleeding.
It was mauled mercilessly by a spectacled bear a year ago when we were homeless and wandering the Amazon Rainforest.
When I got of high school in Brazil I couldn’t get into any colleges and was job-less. I fell into a severe depression and decided that my life was no longer living.
We came out of the forest running for our lives and now I am pondering my next life decision.
(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward”.
Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get their X-rays done?
This is a joke to tell your friends!!
Two gay guys live in a house. One night they’re bored so the one gay guy says to the other
“Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?”
So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says
“Oh! That’s the wooden spoon!”
The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.
“That’s the broomstick!”
Before the other guy runs off he says, “One more time and then it’s my turn!”
He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the…
(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can’t put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say
“Oh! You’ve play this game?!”
Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!
I hope you like it!
I think they should let transgenders to join the military. They could be an elite special forces unit.
We can call them X-Men
As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.
“No, no!” exclaimed the Pope, “I couldn’t possibly!”
The driver wouldn’t take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they went, leaving the pope-mobile and the bewildered security team behind.
“This is wonderful, the greatest car I’ve ever driven!” The Pope cried, as they wound through the city, going faster and faster. Eventually excitement got the better of him and he put his foot to the floor, racing over the Brooklyn Bridge, smashing the speed limit. All of a sudden, flashing blue lights popped up in his mirror and a police officer signalled to pull over.
The officer sauntered up the car and began to speak but stopped, gobsmacked when he realised who was driving the car.
“Jesus!” he cried, “Wait right here!” He stumbled back to his squad car and grabbed at the radio, calling back to the precinct.
“Sir!” he said to his boss, “I’ve just pulled over a VIP for speeding, I don’t know what to do!”
“Well who is it? The mayor?”
“No sir, way more important than the mayor!”
“Who then? Brad Pitt?”
“More important sir!”
“Well is it the president?”
“No sir, more important than the president!”
“Well who on God’s green earth is more important than the president of the United States?”
“I don’t know sir, but this guy’s chauffeur is The Pope!”
He was too hard on the gas
If one trash is lit, what ia the other trash?
The fierce competition and commendable sportsmanship.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. “I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn’t go too well”, he sighed. “What happened?”, his buddy asked. “Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn’t jump.”
“What happened then?”, his buddy asked, concerned. “Well the jump sergeant – a massive, massive man – started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don’t jump right now, I’m going to pull down my pants and shove my 9 inch cock up your ass!”
His buddy asked “So did you jump?”
He replied “Well, a little at first.”
…he is immediatly hard to handle, running around and throwing things. So one of the adults decides a movie might help to calm him down.
They rent a horror movie and put it on for him. All is calm for about thirty seconds until the teenager starts making a ruckas again, they ask him why he is not watching the movie, “I doesn’t like horror movies cuz they is too scary” he says.
So they go out and get an action movie for him. Again, he only stays quite for about thirty seconds. They again ask him why he is not watching the movie. “I doesn’t like action movies cuz they is to violent.
By now both adults are very annoyed. One goes outside to take a break. The other says “Fine, i’ll get you a comedy, not too scary not too violent”
The adult outside hears the teenager go quiet. Thirty seconds later, he is suprised to hear laughter, hysterical laughter! The teenager is actually being entertained! The other adult walks in with a grin on his face. “What comedy did you show him?” he ask. “None, I gave him a mirror”.
To get to the other side.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Get rekt son u just got ur ass handed 2 u” before passing out and ultimately dying of blood loss
Until he found out it doesn’t stand for “Loans Given By The Qataris”
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
“Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?”
The professor replies: “I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late.”
The police officer says: “Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?”
The professor responds: “My wife.”
Because 7 had been bullying 6 mercilessly, both physically and psychologically, and their parents refuse to do anything about it (the mother is in denial about the whole situation, and the father can only respond with unhelpful fake-tough-guy clichés like “kid needs to grow a pair!” or “when I was his age, I solved my own problems!”)
I do not have a touchscreen.
Tea is for mugs
Except Man Island and Isle of Man
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”
God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”
Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
A young first officer asks his Captain,
“Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don’t seem to be getting better at flying?”
And the Captain patiently answers: “Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?”
“Yes, my sir, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it.”
“Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all these stupid things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft.”
Me in August, and her in November.
I’m from a small town so I used to be white trash but now I live in the city and consider myself to be very recyclable.
I’m from a small town so I used to be white trash but now I live in the city and consider myself to be very recyclable.
My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
I’d be pretty drunk lmao
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
**Moral of the story**: Always let your boss have the first say.
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiles and says, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”
And the father goes to the front desk and he says “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”
Möbius strips are endless fun.
As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ma’am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Trudeau: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Trudeau: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Trudeau:” Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”
Cashier: “Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?”
.. I couldn’t find anywhere on here where this was posted before. Sorry if it is a repost. Please note this was borrowed from a other social media site.
Because they don’t even lyft.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including the tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: What color is your Ferrari?
Do you believe in “Dear Applicant, we regret to inform you..” at first sight or should i walk by again?
Do you believe in “Dear Applicant, we regret to inform you..” at first sight or should i walk by again?
With extra strong hold hair gel. This made the punch very happy, because he had been growing out his hair for a while but could never seem to style it right. The Punch then went on to have an the best fight on his career in the wrestling ring, his super stylish hairdo gave him the confidence to talk to that girl he was eyeing the other night at the party.
Oh and as for Johnny? He was found dead from alcohol poisoning this morning. The only one who went to his funeral was The Punch, because Johnny never was good at making friends. Frankly The Punch wasn’t even Johnny’s friend. They had only known each other for that one night when The Punch was running late to the party and needed someone to help with his hair.
The funeral was an extraordinarily sad service on several accounts. Mainly that there was no one there though. Johnny was buried under the ol’ Oak Tree, and The Punch never forgot how one simple act of kindness got him the fame and girl of his dreams.
Johnny, now a ghost (because he died stupid, remember) was not feeling as well as The Punch. See, what The Punch didn’t know is that the girl from the party was actually Johnny’s girlfriend. Johnny was a big fan of the Punch and wanted to help him in a time of need, but after he spiked his hair, he saw the way they were looking at each other. Johnny had been going through some tough times with his girlfriend. He had lost his job the month before and turned to bottles. He didn’t even tell his girlfriend at first. During what would have been work hours he went straight to the bar.
It wasn’t until two days prior that she found out. That is why Johnny took her to the party. He wanted to prove to her that he could live a successful life and by getting into such a prestigious party he thought he could do so. By talking to The Punch his goal was to network and possibly get a job as a personal stylist. That all changed when he saw the way they were looking at each other. In despair he drank himself to death and was found dead a mile away outside the park.
Johnny wanted his vengeance. He vowed to haunt his ex and The Punch for now on. He would open and close doors. Knock over objects sitting on tables, and do various ghostly things. Unfortunately for Johnny The Punch was a man of God and called on the local priest to come and cleanse the house of its evil spirit. Johnny’s sad soul was no match for the power of the Lord, and was swiftly banished from haunting the earth and sent straight to the depths of hell for all eternity. And they all lived happily ever after.
When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.
“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.
“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”
“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.
It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.
“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”
That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.
I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my […]
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
**Moral of the story**:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Their preferred pronoun.
What nationality are you while you’re in the bathroom?
What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?
Because I would really like to know.
I collect fag ends because I’m a butt man.
Diggin’ for booty.
I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.