New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Human person:Doctor,doctor!I can’t feel my legs!

Doctor human:well,that isn’t right…

(Only really makes sense if you know the original joke I guess)

2017-08-20T16:06:51+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

2017-08-20T15:34:16+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I like my coffee like my slaves.

Strong

2017-08-20T15:05:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

2017-08-20T14:50:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a Jew beside an oven?

A cook

2017-08-20T14:00:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
9

The flight attendant see’s a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!”

The Captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you before….You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time…please learn to respect the American President!”

2017-08-20T13:40:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is not exactly religious…

She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…

2017-08-20T11:47:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

2017-08-20T11:33:33+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the man who hated children say to the annoying child?

Nothing. He remained silent even though he was annoyed, as getting angry in public would only embarrass him.

2017-08-20T11:15:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Knock knock. Who’s there?

Child Protective Services. We’re taking your kids because you’re an alcoholic.

2017-08-20T11:02:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

I love open minded people

Like JFK or Kurt Cobain

2017-08-20T10:32:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

I just found out the girl I’m dating is a Nazi

I mean I’ve heard of people discovering their date has a big red flag but usually it’s not hanging in their bedroom.

2017-08-20T10:29:37+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
20

A white supremacist gets tested for diseases

So much for their “pure blood” claim, the only thing that came up negative was their IQ test.

2017-08-20T10:22:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man with two fish taped to his hands

Walks in to the gym to start his morning workout, and immediately gets looks from everyone due to the fish on his hands. He pays them no mind however, and sits down in preparation for bench pressing. He asks a fellow gym-goer to put 311 pounds on each side of the bar. The helper is confused, as the man is skinnier than a toothpick. Slowly the helper lugs on enough weights to add up to the oddly specific 311 pound request. The man then rubs the fish on his hands together and lifts the immense weight near effortlessly, astonishing the whole gym, who had all turned their attention to him by that point. The strongest man in the gym walks over to the scrawny wonder, and asks; “That’s all good and well, but what’s with the fish?” The man responds “I don’t know”

2017-08-20T09:42:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
22

A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The
next day, the man came with the empty bottle &
said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand & right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighbor’s wife &
daughter tried the same way..but could not open
the damn bottle.

2017-08-20T09:24:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

When ur alone what do u call the guy with dark skin who talks to u sometimes but isnt ur friend

Dat fuqin black dude

2017-08-20T09:12:50+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
19

Where’s Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

2017-08-20T08:49:08+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Why did the white supremacist hate people of color

Because hate was taught.

2017-08-20T07:38:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

What do you call a black man in space

An astronaut

2017-08-20T07:30:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe, so went to his big sister for help. He walks in, and his sister is reading a book about cell reproduction. He yells “Sis! I stubbed me toe!” She looks and says “What? Sorry I was busy reading. It’s really interesting! I doubt you know anything about cell reproduction.” The brother replies,
“My toe sis!”

2017-08-20T07:27:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
20

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says “Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there”. The old man looks at him and says “Well son, I am Jesus Christ”. “Jesus Christ?”, the young man replied skeptically. “Yes my son, follow me”, the old man said as he walked into the bar.

As he enters, the bartender turns around and says “Jesus Christ! not you again!”

2017-08-20T07:17:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
19

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

2017-08-20T07:14:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
19

So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(Beep)

Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie

Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn’t exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid

(Beep)

(Everyone looks at the dad)

Mom: Well, he’s your son

(BEEP)

2017-08-20T06:15:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between a female lobster and a bus stop?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

2017-08-20T06:04:21+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

I am 6 feet and 10 inches. Those are two different measurements BTW

I am 6 feet and 10 inches. Those are two different measurements BTW

2017-08-20T06:03:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
34

Beautiful butt

A married man keeps telling his blonde wife “Honey, you have a beautiful butt”. She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband’s birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo “Beautiful Butt” on her ass.

The tattoo artist tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I’ll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt”. She agrees. On the husband’s birthday she’s standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, ” Look honey.” She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”.

2017-08-20T05:54:47+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

….. hold on I’m working on it.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

2017-08-20T05:45:39+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
20

All of my friends say I’m condescending…

(That means I talk down to people.)

2017-08-20T05:12:29+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

2017-08-20T05:11:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My elevator goes both ways.

Up and down.

2017-08-20T04:20:35+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Who told the gorilla that he couldn’t go to the ballet?

The people who are in charge of that decision.

2017-08-20T04:00:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
51

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

2017-08-20T03:50:20+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says “Hey Pirate, you’ve a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!”

The pirate says “Argh, it’s driving me nuts.”

2017-08-20T03:24:42+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a Jewish Cop

Officer

2017-08-20T02:35:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What word in the english langue has the most letters?

[This](http://geekologie.com/2012/11/20/titin.txt)

TL:DR – Titin, the largest know protein

2017-08-20T02:20:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the dentist move out of his house?

There was a terrible storm. Not only did a tree fall on the house, but a tornado ripped it to smithereens.

2017-08-20T01:23:40+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Do you guys wanna hear a joke?

Because if so, you’re in the wrong sub. This is the sub for anti-jokes.

2017-08-20T01:07:24+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man wal

ks into a bar and asks t

he bartender som

thing

edit: edit: edit: edit: edit edit: edit: edit: edit: edit edit: edit: edit: edit: edit edit: edit: edit: edit: edit edit: edit: edit: edit: edit edit: edit: edit: edit: edit

2017-08-20T00:50:05+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
30

I couldn’t join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn’t pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren’t even related.

2017-08-20T00:43:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
37

To be frank

I’d have to get a new ID card

2017-08-20T00:31:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
27

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, “Staring contest… GO.”

2017-08-20T00:19:53+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.

Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.

2017-08-19T23:49:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
49

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably…

“My wife missed the bus!!”

2017-08-19T23:34:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
28

When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I’m older, I don’t like to place those kinds of limitations

2017-08-19T23:19:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Donald Trump

What did you expect

2017-08-19T22:54:25+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Sherlock – what is your favorite part of the alphabet?

LMNOP my dear Watson.

2017-08-19T22:26:41+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

Chinese doctor in the US

An Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…

Lawyer : “I have lost my sense of taste”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”

Lawyer : “Ugh..this is kerosene”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…

Lawyer : “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”

Lawyer (annoyed) : “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer : “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all ”

Chinese doctor : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100”

Lawyer (staring at the bill) : “But this is $20, not $100”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

2017-08-19T22:25:37+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work

I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work

2017-08-19T22:14:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
47

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals

Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

2017-08-19T22:02:19+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
19

Many people are shocked when they find out..

That I’m a horrible electrician.

2017-08-19T21:50:47+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments