New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

What do you call a Jew beside an oven?

A cook

2017-08-20T14:00:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My wife is not exactly religious…

She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…

2017-08-20T11:47:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

2017-08-20T11:33:33+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the man who hated children say to the annoying child?

Nothing. He remained silent even though he was annoyed, as getting angry in public would only embarrass him.

2017-08-20T11:15:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Knock knock. Who’s there?

Child Protective Services. We’re taking your kids because you’re an alcoholic.

2017-08-20T11:02:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

A man with two fish taped to his hands

Walks in to the gym to start his morning workout, and immediately gets looks from everyone due to the fish on his hands. He pays them no mind however, and sits down in preparation for bench pressing. He asks a fellow gym-goer to put 311 pounds on each side of the bar. The helper is confused, as the man is skinnier than a toothpick. Slowly the helper lugs on enough weights to add up to the oddly specific 311 pound request. The man then rubs the fish on his hands together and lifts the immense weight near effortlessly, astonishing the whole gym, who had all turned their attention to him by that point. The strongest man in the gym walks over to the scrawny wonder, and asks; “That’s all good and well, but what’s with the fish?” The man responds “I don’t know”

2017-08-20T09:42:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

When ur alone what do u call the guy with dark skin who talks to u sometimes but isnt ur friend

Dat fuqin black dude

2017-08-20T09:12:50+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
19

Where’s Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

2017-08-20T08:49:08+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Why did the white supremacist hate people of color

Because hate was taught.

2017-08-20T07:38:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

What do you call a black man in space

An astronaut

2017-08-20T07:30:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe, so went to his big sister for help. He walks in, and his sister is reading a book about cell reproduction. He yells “Sis! I stubbed me toe!” She looks and says “What? Sorry I was busy reading. It’s really interesting! I doubt you know anything about cell reproduction.” The brother replies,
“My toe sis!”

2017-08-20T07:27:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
20

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says “Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there”. The old man looks at him and says “Well son, I am Jesus Christ”. “Jesus Christ?”, the young man replied skeptically. “Yes my son, follow me”, the old man said as he walked into the bar.

As he enters, the bartender turns around and says “Jesus Christ! not you again!”

2017-08-20T07:17:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
19

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

2017-08-20T07:14:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
19

So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(Beep)

Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie

Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn’t exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid

(Beep)

(Everyone looks at the dad)

Mom: Well, he’s your son

(BEEP)

2017-08-20T06:15:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between a female lobster and a bus stop?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

2017-08-20T06:04:21+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

I am 6 feet and 10 inches. Those are two different measurements BTW

I am 6 feet and 10 inches. Those are two different measurements BTW

2017-08-20T06:03:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
34

Beautiful butt

A married man keeps telling his blonde wife “Honey, you have a beautiful butt”. She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband’s birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo “Beautiful Butt” on her ass.

The tattoo artist tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I’ll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt”. She agrees. On the husband’s birthday she’s standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, ” Look honey.” She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”.

2017-08-20T05:54:47+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

….. hold on I’m working on it.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

2017-08-20T05:45:39+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
20

All of my friends say I’m condescending…

(That means I talk down to people.)

2017-08-20T05:12:29+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

2017-08-20T05:11:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My elevator goes both ways.

Up and down.

2017-08-20T04:20:35+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Who told the gorilla that he couldn’t go to the ballet?

The people who are in charge of that decision.

2017-08-20T04:00:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
51

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

2017-08-20T03:50:20+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says “Hey Pirate, you’ve a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!”

The pirate says “Argh, it’s driving me nuts.”

2017-08-20T03:24:42+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a Jewish Cop

Officer

2017-08-20T02:35:41+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What word in the english langue has the most letters?

[This](http://geekologie.com/2012/11/20/titin.txt)

TL:DR – Titin, the largest know protein

2017-08-20T02:20:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the dentist move out of his house?

There was a terrible storm. Not only did a tree fall on the house, but a tornado ripped it to smithereens.

2017-08-20T01:23:40+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Do you guys wanna hear a joke?

Because if so, you’re in the wrong sub. This is the sub for anti-jokes.

2017-08-20T01:07:24+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man wal

ks into a bar and asks t

he bartender som

thing

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2017-08-20T00:50:05+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
30

I couldn’t join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn’t pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren’t even related.

2017-08-20T00:43:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
37

To be frank

I’d have to get a new ID card

2017-08-20T00:31:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
27

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, “Staring contest… GO.”

2017-08-20T00:19:53+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.

Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.

2017-08-19T23:49:06+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
49

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably…

“My wife missed the bus!!”

2017-08-19T23:34:59+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
28

When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I’m older, I don’t like to place those kinds of limitations

2017-08-19T23:19:57+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Donald Trump

What did you expect

2017-08-19T22:54:25+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Sherlock – what is your favorite part of the alphabet?

LMNOP my dear Watson.

2017-08-19T22:26:41+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
26

Chinese doctor in the US

An Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…

Lawyer : “I have lost my sense of taste”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”

Lawyer : “Ugh..this is kerosene”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…

Lawyer : “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”

Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”

Lawyer (annoyed) : “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer : “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all ”

Chinese doctor : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100”

Lawyer (staring at the bill) : “But this is $20, not $100”

Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

2017-08-19T22:25:37+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work

I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work

2017-08-19T22:14:52+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
47

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals

Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

2017-08-19T22:02:19+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
19

Many people are shocked when they find out..

That I’m a horrible electrician.

2017-08-19T21:50:47+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

My girlfriend and I broke up

It is an emotiontional time, but your upvote may help me through it

2017-08-19T21:24:03+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
47

My absolute favorite:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies…”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

2017-08-19T21:17:58+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
26

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”

Witness: “No”

Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?”

Witness: “No”

Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No”

Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”

Doctor: “no”

Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?”

Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”

Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”

Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere”

2017-08-19T21:02:49+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
30

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope’s life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.

The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
“My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions.”

“What are the conditions, Your Holiness?”

“First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind.”

“It will be so, what about the next condition?”

“For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf.”

“Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?”

“Big tits.”

2017-08-19T19:52:34+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
48

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

2017-08-19T19:44:27+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
18

What’s E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.

2017-08-19T19:43:05+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

If there was a reality show about Flat-Earthers trying to find the edge of the world

Then it would either go on forever or end after the first season

2017-08-19T18:40:13+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
25

For the people who think Jesus is coming back.

Come on, guys. He wasn’t nailed to a fuckin boomerang.

2017-08-19T18:36:45+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?

I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?

2017-08-19T18:13:48+00:00 19.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments