New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

If a tree falls

If a tree falls

2017-08-16T20:04:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

If a tree falls and no one hears it…

…you know you’re about to hear a bad joke.

2017-08-16T19:56:24+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What did Albert Einstein say when he saw the first atomic bomb detonate?

לאחר מספר שנים של עבודה קשה, עשינו את זה. יצרנו פצצה החזק ביותר בעולם. לכבוד הוא לי להיות חלק הישג מדהים זה ולאחל הצלחה לאמריקה בשאר מלחמת העולם השנייה.

2017-08-16T19:34:26+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Roses are black, violets are black,

Everything’s black, someone turned off the lights

2017-08-16T19:24:10+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A dinosaur, chef, and circus performer all walk into a bar, know what happens next?

Cause I sure as hell don’t.

2017-08-16T19:14:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

One of my Grandfather’s old jokes

Hey there, my Grandfather recently passed away. The man was known for his light-hearted personality and his love for either seeing the humor in all things and his love for jokes! Therefore, I have a few to share for you. They’re real zingers, I promise!

Three guys apply for a job at a construction site and go to meet the foreman. The foreman say “Alright, well I’d love to hire you all however we only have room to hire one person right now so I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Whoever can take one of those bricks over there and throw it the highest will be hired”.

So, the first guy whose looking fairly confident walks up, grabs a brick and kind of weighs it in his hand. He looks up, and tosses is as high as he can. It goes up about two and a half stories before coming down. He walks past the other two and confidently says “good luck beating that!”

So the second guy walks up, same thing, picks up a brick and looks it over and then tosses it up as high as he can. This time, the brick goes up about 3 and a half stories before coming down. He looks over to the other two man with a smirk and then steps aside.

The third guy is kind of scrawny and looks a little nervous, but he walks up to the pile and grabs a White brick. He takes that white brick, winds up, and tosses it as high as he can…and it never comes down!

Zing! My grandfather was a funny dude.

2017-08-16T18:49:57+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do Dexter Manley and Floyd Mayweather have in common?

~~They can’t read.~~ They’re both black.

2017-08-16T18:07:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

A very sad day today

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckin’ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

2017-08-16T17:57:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

2017-08-16T17:53:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

2017-08-16T17:30:49+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks fine into an airport lounge…

When he walks out again, he’s halting. Why?

He put on leg on the knee so it fell asleep

2017-08-16T17:25:55+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, “Ok, you take care of the inventory”. Tells the Polish guy, “You take care of accounting” and tells the Japanese guy, “You take care of supplies.”

The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can’t find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.

After hours of searching, they still can’t find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams “SUPPLIES!!!!”…

2017-08-16T17:18:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives.

2017-08-16T17:16:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

2017-08-16T17:12:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

His parents were born in Germany and he speaks fluent German. He’s been job hunting, and Volkswagen just offered him a very good deal for working for them as an upper-level manager. I thought it made total sense to move there for work.

2017-08-16T16:48:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
25

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You’d almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

2017-08-16T16:46:20+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he’s too short to be an essay

2017-08-16T16:16:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Yondu from guardians of the galaxy dies in volume 2 but….

nothing he really dies

2017-08-16T16:01:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard…

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

2017-08-16T15:53:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

2017-08-16T15:33:46+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: “What are waiting for Johnny?”

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What’s wrong Johnny, why did you stop at 5?

Johnny: “Because I feel so bad for 6!”

Teacher: “Why do you feel bad for it?”

Johnny: ” O-On the news this m-morning it said ‘6 died in major car crash'”

2017-08-16T15:21:22+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:59:14+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

A physical impossibility

2017-08-16T14:51:56+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

“Daddy, how do stars die?”

“When stars like our sun have used up their reserves of hydrogen, they have to rearrange their internal structures to burn other elements, such as carbon. Eventually they expand so much that they cannot hold onto their atmospheres, which blow off as planetary nebulas, leaving the stellar core behind. The stars then continue to shine for billions of years as white dwarfs. Stars that are much more massive than the sun experience far more violent deaths, exploding as supernovas and then collapsing under their own gravity to leave behind superdense neutron stars or even black holes.”, Daddy replied to the bemusement of his son.

2017-08-16T14:45:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:36:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

And then the teacher tells him to rub it off and that he will receive a detention if caught doing it again.

2017-08-16T14:30:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
11

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don’t buy it

2017-08-16T14:02:00+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Donald Trump, a Rabbi, the Dalai Lama, Tom Cruise, Vlad Putin all walk into a bar.

The bar is totally unprepared and there are lots of security issues.

2017-08-16T13:55:33+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you get if you mix a lobster and a fly?

Some sort of lobsterfly? Why would you want that?

2017-08-16T13:49:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

My wife says she’s fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she’s adamant she won’t move out before then.

2017-08-16T13:23:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers…

and says “Five beers, please.”

2017-08-16T13:01:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
9

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she’s seen, I try to comfort her: “There there…

it’s alt right”

2017-08-16T12:54:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13

Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter…

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says

“Maybe you will learn something.” So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks “Well, Johnny, did you learn anything today?”

“Yeah! A lot” said little Johnny. His mom says “Tell me about it, what did you learn?

“Well, its not easy to put up a door. You try to put the mother fucker up but that shit doesn’t fit, so you take it down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you put that cocksuckin bitch back up.”

Johnny’s mother, in shock, exclaims angrily “Johnny! That’s terrible! Just wait till your father gets home!”

A few hours later his father comes home and little Johnny tells him the same story. His father gets really upset and says “Johnny! Go out back and fetch me a switch!”

Little Johnny replies “Fuck you, that’s the electrician’s job!”

2017-08-16T11:52:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
30

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

Dmitry!

2017-08-16T11:11:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

Bubble wrap

I asked my boss “where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?”

And he replied “just pop it in the corner”

4 f*cking hours it took me!

2017-08-16T11:06:00+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
25

Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

2017-08-16T11:02:14+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

2017-08-16T10:57:04+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
32

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

When the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“What? I have no idea” said the stranger.

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

2017-08-16T10:50:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Whenever I see a dwarf, I want to yell at them “I love you on Game of Thrones!”

Whenever I see a dwarf, I want to yell at them “I love you on Game of Thrones!”

2017-08-16T10:19:23+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Hell

A man arrives in hell after having just been murderd by his wife for cheating on her with over a thousand other women.

The Devil arrives and greets the man. He tells him “as the one millionth arrival this month you get to pick the Hell in which you shall live out eternity. You will be shown five individual hells and you must chose one”.

The Devil leads the man to the individual hell chambers. At the first one the door opens into a chamber where an old, withered looking man is chain naked, spreadeagle to a wall and in front of him is a machine spitting acid globs at him, burning him slowly forever. The Devil waits for a moment then closes the door…”Next!” he says.

At the next chamber the door opens up to reveal a similar scene as the first; an old withered looking man is chained, naked and spread eagle to the wall but this time there is no acid spitting machine. Instead in this one oil is being poured onto the mans head in a slow steady stream, running into his eyes and covering his nose and mouth periodically. By the look in his eye this is clearly tortuous so and the man shivers and looks away…”Next!” The Devil says and then move on.

The 3rd chamber opens to a similar scene, an old man chained to the wall, naked and spreadeagled. There is no acid machine or oil here but instead, to the man’s surprise, there is a beautiful tanned blonde lady, naked, sitting at the chained up old mans feet giving him a blowjob. Unsurprisingly the guy chained up looks rather happy with his lot in hell.

The man at the door stares in disbelief and immediately says “This one”.

The Devil turns to him and says “Are you sure? This is the third of five. There are others from which you may choose.”

“I’m sure” says the man.

“OK” says the Devil who then turns back to the chamber and says “OK Lady, you’re done here. We’ve got a replacement for you”.

2017-08-16T09:43:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse…

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was close”

Fortunately, Bill was a horse and knew better than to run off a cliff, and so the cowboy’s ill-considered use of the word woah in this context had no negative repercussions.

2017-08-16T09:39:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
18

Diarrhea is hereditary….

….it runs in your jeans.

2017-08-16T08:35:10+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
15

Two Nuns..

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

2017-08-16T08:28:08+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Why can’t dinosaurs dance?

Because they’re dead.

2017-08-16T08:22:34+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Did you hear about the guy that wore only his boxers to his wedding?

Apparently he lost his tux.

2017-08-16T08:06:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

The bartender recognizes him as a regular but surprisingly he has a huge orange head.
“what the hell happened?” he asks.
“well I found a magic lamp on vacation and the genie inside gave me 3 wishes.”
The bartender’s eyes go wide.
“yep, my first wish was for twenty million dollars and bam! it was in my bank account. Then I wished to meet the love of my life, and the bam! I met my wife.”
The bartender laughed, “wow so those both sound great. What happened next?”
“well, for my third wish – and here’s where I think I messed up – I wished for a huge orange head”.

2017-08-16T07:47:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

Whats red and smells like blue paint?

A hotdog

2017-08-16T07:32:25+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I told anti jokes around a family campfire and my uncle, u/hopjef , made fun of my anti jokes

Upvote this so that I can compensate for him calling me out (and catch up on our karma comparison)

2017-08-16T06:40:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side…

…only three more sleeps till Christmas.

2017-08-16T06:35:45+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What’s big and black and smells funny?

My pile of shit because I ate too much junk food yesterday.
Not a black man’s dick goddamn it.

2017-08-16T06:18:36+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments