* * * gggggggggggggggggggGgggggggggggggggggg %%% @@ 1939
Ooooh…I thought the riots were concerning those statue street performers.
A man walks into a bar
A belly button
I got it as a souvenir from the zoo
Nothing, Santa doesn’t exist
When you can’t find out which bird released your private information over the internet: parrotdox.
The bartender asks him if it’s a special occasion?
The guy answers “Yes, my very first blowjob”.
The bartender gets excited and says “Congratulations, I’ll give you the seventh shot on the house”.
The guy answers “Nah, if six Jäger shots isn’t enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference”.
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.
I think she saw me coming.
Conspirators are the best interior designers, since it’s an inside job.
It depends, but for the most part they lack the dexterity and hand eye coordination to get the job done
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
My car was giving me trouble so I parked it on the corner.
Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.
Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.
He started charging in advance.
He was fucking nuts
Too bad it doesn’t work
Doctor: I don’t know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
“George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, “Because George was the one holding the axe!”
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No, American.”
North Korea didn’t fuck up as many launches as EA
I can’t remeber.
Met a Moroccan Magician once that could pull a Rabat out of a hat.
Hear about the getaway driver from Senegal? Gethin Dakar.
I don’t know why…
This Fleetwood Mac GPS is terrible, it just keeps telling me to go my own way.
Tried to find “extinction” in the dictionary, but there’s no such thing.
It’s still an elephant, just severely handicapped due to the diminished dexterity.
A penny for your two cents?
Kentucky Freud Chicken – Muthafukin Good
So far I’ve got eight fridges
Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals a day.
The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why?
Because 3 was the root of the problem.
France surrenders, but Italy switches sides.
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don’t like the look of it
Oompa loompa doompety da
If you’re not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
Gum chewing’s fine when it’s once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it’s repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does
I know I’m a shitty gynecologist, but you don’t have to rub it in my face.
He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that
Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder
of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go
to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big
game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is
driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top
is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus.
She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since she was a child.
They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their
way to the front row, where he managed to get tickets. The two
watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by
bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown notices the young man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!”
The whole tent erupts with laughter at the young man, who is
absolutely humiliated. Even his date is laughing. He tries to hide his
anger, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But he spends the rest of
the evening fuming over the joke. He barely even notices that his
date kisses him good night when he drops her off.
That night, the young man is unable to sleep. Lying in bed, he can
think of nothing other than the clown. Why didn’t he say something?
Why didn’t he stand up for himself? He has no answers, and finally
falls asleep, dreaming of destroying the clown.
The next morning, the young man wakes up with a deep sense of purpose. Never in his life has he felt such drive. He will dedicate his life to getting back at the clown. He heads out the door, and
immediately enrolls in university, majoring in Comebackology.
The young man gives his classes everything he’s got. He quickly
rises to the top of his class, a star pupil. He wows his professors
during finals, and is even crowned Valedictorian upon graduation,
receiving his Bachelor of Science in Comebackology.
But he doesn’t feel ready. So he redoubles his efforts, and goes back
to school, continuing to impress the faculty. After an amazingly quick
year, he is awarded his Master’s Degree in Comebackology, the
fastest it has ever been awarded. […]
I think about how I’ll go one day too. I’ve struggled so much, endured so many hardships only to realize it doesn’t matter now. Maybe I should’ve made an effort to be happier, but does it really matter now? I’m just going to die anyway, just like them. Maybe I’ll never come up with an answer, but it won’t matter soon enough.
Nothing tomatoes can’t fucking speak
Because love means nothing to them.
I’ve made a grave mistake.
When the thief stole a calendar, he got 12 months.
And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, “Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!”
I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!
I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking “What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?” But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.
He looked me square in the eyes and said … “Waving a firearm!”