New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

This kind of event happens daily all over the world.

2017-07-26T08:04:09+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
19

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn’t my favorite thing…

But it’s up there.

2017-07-26T07:55:19+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

People are like oranges

They’re easier to eat when their skin is peeled off.

2017-07-26T07:27:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

The liposuction Dr’s patience are wearing thin.

The liposuction Dr’s patience are wearing thin.

2017-07-26T07:09:15+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

Well, jelly is made of just the juices of the fruits, whereas jam includes the pulp and seeds too.

2017-07-26T06:52:17+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn’t. The farmer caught him before it could and cooked it.

2017-07-26T06:32:00+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

Trump has a heart attack ….

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” Trump said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go…!”

2017-07-26T06:26:45+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

What do you call a good looking cock?

Chicken

*Dicken would be a more fitting name though.

2017-07-26T06:22:19+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

2017-07-26T06:14:32+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Bobby was a rabbit. One day, he woke up in a bush. He made his way out of the bush and started to hop toward the nearest house he could find. As he arrives there, he realizes that he couldn’t get in because the door wasn’t open. Why wasn’t the door open?

Because it was closed.

2017-07-26T06:14:18+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
18

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

2017-07-26T06:12:08+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

What do you call a red-haired baker?

The ginger bread man

2017-07-26T06:08:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

2017-07-26T06:01:33+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I like my coffee like I like my dad

Alive. 🙁

2017-07-26T04:20:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t understand so that I can sound more photosynthesis

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t understand so that I can sound more photosynthesis

2017-07-26T03:11:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

If I’m stuck in a traffic jam angers me more than if you live or die, cuz you are just a statistic that I already got mad about last year

If I’m stuck in a traffic jam angers me more than if you live or die, cuz you are just a statistic that I already got mad about last year

2017-07-26T03:05:42+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
25

I don’t always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

2017-07-26T02:58:03+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Life is like a box of chocolates: short-lived if you’re morbidly obese.

Life is like a box of chocolates: short-lived if you’re morbidly obese.

2017-07-26T02:54:12+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I was never in the Boy Scouts as a kid, but I did eat a Brownie once.

I was never in the Boy Scouts as a kid, but I did eat a Brownie once.

2017-07-26T02:53:31+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
24

A guy gets out of jail.

With only $10 to his name and extremely horny, he heads to the local whorehouse. He pleads and begs the pimp for a $10 lay. Finally, the pimp says, “Look, for ten bucks, all I got for you is a chicken.” The guy is desperate so he agrees on fucking a chicken.

The guy enters a room and sure enough there’s a chicken. He has his way with the bird and leaves.

He manages to scrape up another $10 and returns to the pimp. “Do you have anything else besides the chicken?”, he asks. The pimp replies, “Well, we do have a show where you can just watch 2 people fucking”.

He takes that offer and enters a room with a large window and a couple of chairs. While watching the show he turns to the guy next to him and says, “this is a pretty good show for $10”. The guy next to him responds, “You should have seen the show yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken.”

2017-07-26T02:53:10+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19

I got so drunk last night

I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

2017-07-26T02:48:34+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong.”

2017-07-26T02:19:10+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Don’t click this.

Don’t click this.

2017-07-26T02:10:39+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

2017-07-26T02:05:26+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

[WP] Your day takes a turn for the worst when you submit your post to the wrong subreddit.

Hey guys, thanks for reading my joke. I couldn’t think of a second part to put here after the title, but if you liked it anyway please leave an up vote, down vote if you didn’t etc. Id also reccomend checking out r/antiantijokes if you haven’t yet – it’s a real crack up. Shout out to Malta for allowing gay marriage – congrats guys. Great country. All right, I’m off – happy redditing.

2017-07-26T01:36:07+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

2017-07-26T01:29:08+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

I thought of the best Anti-Joke just now

I thought you guys should know

2017-07-26T01:26:41+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
15

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

“$3”, says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.

The next day, he orders a beer but couldn’t find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.

Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, “Go on, collect your change”.

The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, “One more beer please.”

2017-07-26T01:22:46+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

What’s the best part about having sex with a German girl?

She’s expecting your wurst.

2017-07-26T01:21:30+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
40

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

2017-07-26T00:36:15+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What is the best way to study efficiently?

Please, write your answers below!

2017-07-26T00:22:10+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between a doctor and a brain surgeon?

Ones not quite a brain surgeon, and the other one is a brain surgeon

2017-07-25T23:47:25+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss…

I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss…

2017-07-25T23:43:31+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don’t have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mechanic who says”I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin says, “No, I just ate some ice cream.”

2017-07-25T23:41:44+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

Sex is like math

I don’t get it

2017-07-25T23:14:40+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a mouse named Dave?

Dave

2017-07-25T22:15:03+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
48

Women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judges says, “First Offender?” She says, “No, First a Gibson, then a Fender.”

2017-07-25T22:14:23+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A customer at the deli asked for a pound of hormonal ham.

Hormel was on sale that week, so I’m sure that’s what she meant.

2017-07-25T21:58:28+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
26

One of my favorite jokes about Pet Fish (long)

A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited…

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.

“What fish?” the man asked.

2017-07-25T21:53:31+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

I went to the dentist today

Dentist: Open up please

Me: Sometimes I get sad.

2017-07-25T20:33:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Kids shouldn’t smoke… If you make a big enough fire.

Kids shouldn’t smoke… If you make a big enough fire.

2017-07-25T20:25:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”
“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.
“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“That’s okay,” said the young man.
“We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

2017-07-25T19:54:28+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Despite the flat geography of The Netherlands, Amsterdam is the highest capital city in Europe.

Despite the flat geography of The Netherlands, Amsterdam is the highest capital city in Europe.

2017-07-25T19:28:30+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My father threw me in the pool to teach me to swim, once I got the chains off the swimming was easy.

My father threw me in the pool to teach me to swim, once I got the chains off the swimming was easy.

2017-07-25T18:59:36+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
15

What did the evil optician say?

“You’ll see. You’ll ALL see! Muahahahahaha!”

2017-07-25T18:53:14+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Knock knock

–Who’s there?

–Dave

–Dave who?

–*Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother’s alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.*

2017-07-25T18:49:09+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
20

What food makes a woman’s sex drive fall to almost nothing?

Wedding cake.

2017-07-25T18:45:29+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I wrote this joke about a hipster, but he laughed before it was funny.

I wrote this joke about a hipster, but he laughed before it was funny.

2017-07-25T18:35:17+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

I like my women like I like my coffee. NSFW

Hot as fuck and all over my crotch while I am driving.

2017-07-25T18:18:40+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

It was not the store he was looking for, and walked out.

2017-07-25T18:13:57+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments