All a secret
-A person who, at this time of day, has requested to be in your presence and is at your front door, awaiting your welcome into your humble abode. May I come in?
he orders a beer
I yelled back, “I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy.
A man and his wife are talking.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it’s all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn’t me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?
She gets a 10 point deduction and loses her chance at a medal.
Yep, that happened today.
It came completely out of the orange.
Because I have a Crush on you…
A seizure salad
Serves him right.
She seemed surprised.
If life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!”
So I got her nothing
This is allegedly hilarious.
I’m desperate to find someone who can fix my headboard. I’m banging my head against the wall.
One, as she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
This is a very popular joke in Turkish, I’ll try to translate.
There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone’s seat numbers on papers and put them in a bag. And not surprisingly, the number pulled was this unlucky guy’s seat. He was like “Ahh, man. I will jump only if you know the answer of the question I will ask”. People agree and he asks this question by pointing to one of the other guys in the plane: “How many testicles I and this guy have in total?”
Everyone answers confidently:”Four, of course four.”
The unlucky man laughs and pulls down his pants revealing his only testicle.
The guy he pointed also pulls down his pants and he has three testicles.
Because the Japanese hunt whales.
Old guys, senior citizens, elderly men, etc.
Charles Cooper, 42, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
“It was weird” Cooper said. “I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, “Great weather eh?” and I thought – “Wait a minute, no way is it great weather”.
Cooper then realised that the other man’s ‘mistake’ was in fact deliberate.
Cooper, who is 43 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 6, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. “I’m, like, using it all the time” he said. “Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said “Hey, great weather.”
I really shouldn’t have put it on in the first place.
And a stool, and a table.
I finally found my girlfriend’s g-spot. It’s been in her sister all this time.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn’t ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client’s room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn’t sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn’t reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn’t leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn’t arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-”If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?”
-”I promise I will never let anyone know”.
-”I swear I won’t reveal your secret”
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn’t revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you […]
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, “You know, it works better if you just stand in it”…
Jumpers are over the top.
Letterboxes are so antisocial, they’re always indoors.
Dad: That makes sense considering I’m about to murder you.
A Georgian boy is getting married to a Russian girl and his dad teaches him how to behave on their first night:
“First, throw her on the bed to know that Georgia is power”.
“Then take off your clothes for her to know that georgia is beautiful”.
And then grandpa adds:
“Then sit down and masturbate, for her to know that Georgia is independent”.
She prayed “dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma’s gonna die” Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.
He was deeply troubled by this so the next night he listened in on his daughters prayers again. “Dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but aunt Jenny’s gonna die” so the dad called up aunt Jenny but she didn’t pick up. Later it was found that she had also died.
The very disturbed dad went to listen to his daughter prayers again “dear lord I pray for mommy but daddy’s gonna die” He was now utterly terrified. The next day at work he went about paranoid of everything around him trying to avoid anything that could possibly be harmful.
The exhausted dad gets home and tells his wife “oh honey I had the worst day”
She replies “you think you had a bad day, today the mailman dropped dead in the living room”
But all he ever does is hangout on the dashboard.
Neither do I.
A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
or why. would your, reading voice? obey instructions set! by little: squiggles and – dots even (if they) don’t make sense;
Because I put the wrong sock on
I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
Just not in the right order
free of charge.
He says he wants to take another stab at it.
He was mauled by a giant crab.
The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party…
He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.
He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.
The chief says to him, “Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant you three wishes, one for each day. What is your first wish?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The chief sends a warrior to fetch Silver, and the Lone Ranger whisper’s in silver’s ear.
Silver takes off, and doesn’t return until later that evening, with a beautiful blond on his back.
The blond goes into the tepee with the Lone Ranger and spends the night.
The next morning, the chief comes back in, and says “Lone Ranger! That’s quite the horse you have! What’s your second wish?”
Lone Ranger says, I’d like to speak to my horse again.”
Chief sends for the horse, and the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear again.
Silver takes off, comes back that evening with a brunette, even more beautiful than the blond.
She also spends the night.
Chief comes in the next morning and says “Lone Ranger! I can’t wait to have your horse, but fair is fair. What’s your last wish?”
Lone Ranger says “I’d like to speak to my horse again, ALONE!”
Chief thinks, What can it hurt? A redhead?
He brings in the horse and everyone leaves.
Lone Ranger grabs Silver by the ears, looks him square in the eyes and says “Now Silver, listen to me! I need a posse. P.O.S.S.E.!!!”