She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…
One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “
Nothing. He remained silent even though he was annoyed, as getting angry in public would only embarrass him.
Child Protective Services. We’re taking your kids because you’re an alcoholic.
Walks in to the gym to start his morning workout, and immediately gets looks from everyone due to the fish on his hands. He pays them no mind however, and sits down in preparation for bench pressing. He asks a fellow gym-goer to put 311 pounds on each side of the bar. The helper is confused, as the man is skinnier than a toothpick. Slowly the helper lugs on enough weights to add up to the oddly specific 311 pound request. The man then rubs the fish on his hands together and lifts the immense weight near effortlessly, astonishing the whole gym, who had all turned their attention to him by that point. The strongest man in the gym walks over to the scrawny wonder, and asks; “That’s all good and well, but what’s with the fish?” The man responds “I don’t know”
Dat fuqin black dude
Because hate was taught.
A Scottish boy stubbed his toe, so went to his big sister for help. He walks in, and his sister is reading a book about cell reproduction. He yells “Sis! I stubbed me toe!” She looks and says “What? Sorry I was busy reading. It’s really interesting! I doubt you know anything about cell reproduction.” The brother replies,
“My toe sis!”
A young man who was walking down the street says “Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there”. The old man looks at him and says “Well son, I am Jesus Christ”. “Jesus Christ?”, the young man replied skeptically. “Yes my son, follow me”, the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says “Jesus Christ! not you again!”
But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.
Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?
Son: I went to school
Son: fine, I went to my friends house.
Dad: what did you do at your friends house?
Son: we watched a movie
Dad: what kind of movie?
Son: A Disney film
Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie
Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn’t exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid
(Everyone looks at the dad)
Mom: Well, he’s your son
One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.
I am 6 feet and 10 inches. Those are two different measurements BTW
A married man keeps telling his blonde wife “Honey, you have a beautiful butt”. She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband’s birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo “Beautiful Butt” on her ass.
The tattoo artist tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I’ll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt”. She agrees. On the husband’s birthday she’s standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, ” Look honey.” She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”.
….. hold on I’m working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)
(That means I talk down to people.)
He knew how to make prophets.
Up and down.
The people who are in charge of that decision.
The bartender looks up and says “Hey Pirate, you’ve a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!”
The pirate says “Argh, it’s driving me nuts.”
TL:DR – Titin, the largest know protein
There was a terrible storm. Not only did a tree fall on the house, but a tornado ripped it to smithereens.
Because if so, you’re in the wrong sub. This is the sub for anti-jokes.
ks into a bar and asks t
he bartender som
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Turns out my parents weren’t even related.
I’d have to get a new ID card
He said, “Staring contest… GO.”
Form is temporary, class is permanent. -Morning motivation from Amoeba.
fall into a river and all die.
The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.
When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably…
“My wife missed the bus!!”
Now that I’m older, I don’t like to place those kinds of limitations
What did you expect
LMNOP my dear Watson.
An Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…
Lawyer : “I have lost my sense of taste”
Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth”
Lawyer : “Ugh..this is kerosene”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer : “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything”
Chinese doctor : “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth”
Lawyer (annoyed) : “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer : “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all ”
Chinese doctor : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100”
Lawyer (staring at the bill) : “But this is $20, not $100”
Chinese doctor : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work
I told my wife I’d stop cheating, so I no longer use the carpool lane to get to the brothel after work
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals
Mr President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
That I’m a horrible electrician.
It is an emotiontional time, but your upvote may help me through it
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies…”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”
Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?”
Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?”
Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”
Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?”
Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”
Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere”
The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope’s life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.
The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
“My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. These are troublesome times and as such, it is not a good time to be without a leader of the church for even a short while. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions.”
“What are the conditions, Your Holiness?”
“First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind.”
“It will be so, what about the next condition?”
“For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf.”
“Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?”
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
So he can fit in his spaceship.
Then it would either go on forever or end after the first season
Come on, guys. He wasn’t nailed to a fuckin boomerang.
I’m having trouble balancing my work life and, um, what’s that other thing?
The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that’s all about.
“Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?” Asks the bartender. The guy replies “well, I’ve got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we’ve decided that each of us will drink three beers every day, one for each of us.”
The bartenders curiosity is sated. The guy continues to do this for about a month, until he comes in one day and orders only two beers.
“I’m sorry for your loss”, says the bartender.
The guy is confused, and then says “oh no, nobody died. I just quit drinking.”