New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

You know the drill

Its a hand tool, power tool, or machine with a rotating cutting tip or reciprocating hammer or chisel, used for making holes.

2017-08-17T21:23:36+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
26

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

2017-08-17T20:25:32+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
26

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

2017-08-17T20:23:52+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Dark humor is like food

Wait, no it’s not

2017-08-17T20:17:46+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

It takes budding entrepreneurs to start a marijuana company

It takes budding entrepreneurs to start a marijuana company

2017-08-17T20:11:31+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust

2017-08-17T20:09:48+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I wanted to set up a medical marijuana company by myself, but quickly realized that it would have to be a joint venture.

I wanted to set up a medical marijuana company by myself, but quickly realized that it would have to be a joint venture.

2017-08-17T20:08:27+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
2

Sex at 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope .

Sex at 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope .

2017-08-17T20:07:04+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
16

What joke has the slowest build-up to the shittiest punchline?

Life

2017-08-17T19:46:26+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
23

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him,

“Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

 
The man replies, “Boobs!”

2017-08-17T19:43:28+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
30

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

2017-08-17T19:40:14+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
23

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

2017-08-17T19:35:10+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I bought a fountain pen and now my notepad is drenched.

I bought a fountain pen and now my notepad is drenched.

2017-08-17T19:32:29+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

My anal said if we try 1000 upvotes, we can try GF.

My life is upvoting please fall it apart.

2017-08-17T19:30:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

It takes time for a clock to work properly.

It takes time for a clock to work properly.

2017-08-17T19:30:34+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Hold her head underwater for a few minutes. All humans need oxygen regardless of hair color.

2017-08-17T18:34:47+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I sniffed Tipp-ex and took Viagra and ended up with a really big correction.

I sniffed Tipp-ex and took Viagra and ended up with a really big correction.

2017-08-17T17:47:07+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don’t succeed…

Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don’t succeed…

2017-08-17T17:30:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
31

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
“A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!”

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone’s surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

“Oh, that’s easy.” Replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

2017-08-17T17:16:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
37

Self deprecating jokes are the best.

Unless I make them.

2017-08-17T17:03:59+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
27

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure’s

2017-08-17T16:58:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
21

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

2017-08-17T16:34:05+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

The horse replies, “I just got laid off from work”

2017-08-17T16:29:02+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

2017-08-17T15:29:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?

The one he gets from his long lost love, until he reads deeper into it and sees that’s she’s leaving him for his brother, at which point the pirate walks the plank to his imminent doom

2017-08-17T15:29:25+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
16

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I’ve been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn’t even know he cut hair.

2017-08-17T14:52:26+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call three gorillas in a nightclub?

A lawsuit waiting to happen

2017-08-17T14:48:36+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

Why don’t tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them.

2017-08-17T14:47:17+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is it called when a chameleon can’t change its colours any more?

Dead

2017-08-17T14:40:10+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
14

Why are Americans so scared of clowns?

I mean, they elected one to be the president…

2017-08-17T14:36:40+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

What do you call a nine sided shape that won’t reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

2017-08-17T14:24:55+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call 2 horses in a bar?

horses

2017-08-17T13:50:06+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
13

What is a black dad’s favorite animal?

Bison

2017-08-17T13:44:25+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
12

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

2017-08-17T13:42:45+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
20

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, men can be feminists too

2017-08-17T13:40:30+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
37

Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what’s happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I’ve sacked her too, said the butcher.

2017-08-17T13:35:47+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
29

What did one Mexican robber say to the other when they got to the “No Trespassing” sign?

“It’s ok because there is only two of us.”

2017-08-17T12:48:36+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
15

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

2017-08-17T12:30:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I farted in the apple store today

I got embarrassed and left

2017-08-17T11:18:10+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

I wanted to make my racing snail faster..

So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

2017-08-17T11:13:05+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

SALE: 98% off on our book called “Shifting Stock.”

SALE: 98% off on our book called “Shifting Stock.”

2017-08-17T11:08:49+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

“Tony, can you spell your name backwards?”

Tony: sure… y not

2017-08-17T10:26:55+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Which musician would make a great sheep farmer?

Ed Sheer ’em

2017-08-17T10:20:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How many bigots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Enough for the blacks to lose their voting rights.

2017-08-17T09:38:12+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is the meaning of life

I don’t know

2017-08-17T09:32:50+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don’t need this “omg i cant drive a train” shit

2017-08-17T09:32:26+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.

2017-08-17T08:51:33+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
25

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

2017-08-17T06:37:34+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
31

Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alleyway, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

2017-08-17T06:37:15+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER

2017-08-17T06:35:18+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: |0 Comments