New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

I like my women like I like my coffee

Bittersweet and gentle.

2017-07-25T16:51:56+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
11

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

2017-07-25T16:46:34+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I thought I knew the deceased camponologist, but he was just a dead ringer.

I thought I knew the deceased camponologist, but he was just a dead ringer.

2017-07-25T16:39:02+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

If I had a dollar for every time this post got upvoted..

I’d probably have enough to buy a rope to hang myself with.

2017-07-25T16:04:54+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
20

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“

“What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

2017-07-25T14:42:03+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
17

Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
“We’ll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros.”
So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world.
At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, “One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!”

2017-07-25T14:17:06+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
12

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man “are those your penguins?”

The man Says “yes, they are my pets.”

The cop replies to the man “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man “I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

The man says “I did, today we are going to the beach!”

2017-07-25T13:47:45+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
19

I made a joke about the plane crash that had no survivors in it to my wife

She got angry at me and called me insensitive.

I told her, “you had to be there”

2017-07-25T13:31:58+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
15

A woman must walk 5 paces behind…

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?”

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”

2017-07-25T12:42:28+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod…

2017-07-25T12:34:59+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Headaches and Testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new Suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new Suit.’

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new Underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see….. size 36.

Joe Replied, “Right again, you really are good at that!”

‘Been in the business 60 years.’ replied the tailor.

Joe then payed for the clothing and returned home.

2017-07-25T12:26:03+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit.

I posted my souvlaki photo to r/earthporn instead of r/foodporn :/

2017-07-25T12:18:22+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I like my coffee like I like my coffee

coffee.

2017-07-25T12:06:51+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

I thought I knew the dead camponologist, but it was just a dead ringer.

I thought I knew the dead camponologist, but it was just a dead ringer.

2017-07-25T12:05:13+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Are Anti Jokes just really jokes with bad punchlines?

Yes

2017-07-25T11:20:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I like my women like I like my coffee

Liquifide and in a mug

2017-07-25T11:08:41+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I’ve been learning how to lift weights, but it’s not easy to pick up.

I’ve been learning how to lift weights, but it’s not easy to pick up.

2017-07-25T10:32:15+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A blonde was having a haircut,

Because her hair was too long.

2017-07-25T09:58:18+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

A boy has sex with his teacher

When he gets home from school, his mother asks him,

“What did you do today in school?”

The child replies,

“I had sex with the teacher.”

Furious, the mother scolds the boy and makes him go to his room.

“Wait until you’re father gets here!” she exclaims.

An hour later, the father arrives home. Immediately he is informed of what his son did at school today by the mom. But instead of being outraged like his wife had been, the father praises his son.

“Son, you’re growing into a real man. I think it’s time to get you a bike.”

So, the two go out and get the bike, and when they come home, the father asks,

“Son, do you want to try the bike now?”

“Not right now. My butt still hurts.”

2017-07-25T09:42:27+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
39

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and my passport?

The passport has more foreign policy experience.

2017-07-25T09:31:44+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between a graveyard and a cemetery?

A graveyard is attached to a church, a cemetery is standalone.

2017-07-25T09:07:00+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
0

My life

My life

2017-07-25T08:45:36+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
25

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

2017-07-25T07:17:52+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

2017-07-25T06:51:26+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

As a kleptomaniac, I hate hearing jokes because I always take them literally.

As a kleptomaniac, I hate hearing jokes because I always take them literally.

2017-07-25T06:44:31+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
29

If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

2017-07-25T06:44:08+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
21

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

“It means ‘happy,'” the father answered.

“Oh,” replied the son, “so are you gay, then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

2017-07-25T06:17:52+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Raw foodists do it for health, but some foods are healthier after being heated – I’m ironing the savory.

Raw foodists do it for health, but some foods are healthier after being heated – I’m ironing the savory.

2017-07-25T06:10:24+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the side of their vessels?

So they can Scandinavian

2017-07-25T05:38:39+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he looked both ways and saw that it was safe to do so.

2017-07-25T05:31:06+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I came here to say

this

2017-07-25T05:14:56+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
1

How does a duck know which direction South is?

And how to tell his wife from all the other ducks?

You can cut a chicken’s head off

And it will keep on running and twitchin’.

When everything seems planned out

When everything seems nicely planned out

Well the human race will come and smack your face

How come all my body parts so nicely fit together?

All my organs doing their jobs, no help from me, no

A person pulls a spider’s leg out

To watch it keep on moving and twitching

When everything seems planned out

When everything seems nicely planned out

Well the human race will come and smack your face

Satan lives here

On grain and earth, rain and air

How come I just smoke and smoke and smoke

And curse every butt I spit out?

All night long I grind my teeth and I wake up when I cough

You can put me in and iron lung

And I will keep on breathing and twitching

When everything seems planned out

When everything seems nicely planned out

Well the human race will come and smack your face

You might be dead, but you keep your head

– Crash Test Dummies

2017-07-25T04:54:20+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
34

Two Tennessee rednecks are sitting at a bar.

Two Tennessee rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking, when Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says
“You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the community college and sign up for some classes!”
Jim Bob thinks its a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Maths, English, Science, and Logic.

“Logic?” Says Bubba, “What’s that?”

The Dean says “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”

“Yeah” Bubba replies

“Because you own a weedeater, I’d logically think that you have a yard.”

“Correct again!”

“And because you have a yard, I’d think that you have a house.”

“Thats right, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, you probably have a family.”

“Yes, thats right.”

“And because you have a family, you probably have a wife.”

“Yes.”

“And because you have a wife, logic tells me that you are probably a heterosexual.”

“Wow! It’s amazing that you found out all of that just because I have a weedeater!”

Excited to take the class, Bubba returns to the bar, where Jim Bob is drinking.
He tells him that he was signed up to four classes: Maths, English, Science, and Logic.

“Logic?” Says Jim Bob, “Whats that?”

“I’ll show you.” Replies Bubba, “Do you own a weedeater?”

“No.” Jim Bob answers.

“Well then you’re fucking gay.”

2017-07-25T04:22:48+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
0

What’s gayer than kissing a guy on the lips?

Getting fucking fisted by three men, then spun around and analed viciously until you bleed and finally a bukkake on your fucking gay face.

2017-07-25T03:32:32+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I can’t ever make enough money with comedy; my jokes keep killing but I have to keep buying more sheds.

I can’t ever make enough money with comedy; my jokes keep killing but I have to keep buying more sheds.

2017-07-25T03:00:56+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
34

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.

He’s a small arms dealer.

2017-07-25T02:52:38+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

I know an old woman who says she gave Albert Einstein a handjob. What a stroke of genius.

I know an old woman who says she gave Albert Einstein a handjob. What a stroke of genius.

2017-07-25T02:50:24+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
55

A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends…

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, “Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?”

The mother replies, “Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat.”

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling each other bitch and bastard. The next day, he asks his father, “Dad, what is bitch and bastard?”

“Well son,” the father replies, “bitch Is a word like lady, and bastard is like a gentleman.”

A few days later, Thanksgiving day comes, and everyone is getting ready. The boy passes by his dad shaving in the bathroom, who cuts himself and exclaimed, “shit!”

So the boy asks, “Dad, what does shit mean?”

And the father simply says, “Oh, that’s just the type of shaving cream I use.”

The boy then passes by the kitchen, where his mother is carving the turkey, who also cuts herself with the knife saying, “Fuck!”

And again, the boy asks, “Mom, what is fuck?”

“Oh,” she says, “That’s just the type of way I carve the turkey every year.”

Not long after the guests arrive, and they tell the boy to answer the door. He opens it saying, “Hello bitches and bastards, come in and relax while I take your penises and vaginas, right now my dad is in the bathroom scraping the shit off his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.”

2017-07-25T02:36:46+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Where do bed bugs sleep?

On your bed.

2017-07-25T02:36:44+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m writing a self-help book but I need someone to market it for me.

I’m writing a self-help book but I need someone to market it for me.

2017-07-25T02:28:35+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar…

And i continue walking down the street

2017-07-25T02:02:19+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
42

I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes.

“Actually, it’s *orthopedic*”, my doctor said.

“I stand corrected”, I replied.

2017-07-25T01:30:04+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Did you hear about the guy who’s entire left side was cut off?

He’s dead.

2017-07-25T01:20:30+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
23

I like my women like I like my coffee

I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice

2017-07-25T01:12:04+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I tried eating a clock the other day. It’s really time consuming.

I tried eating a clock the other day. It’s really time consuming.

2017-07-25T00:52:31+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the cheese say when he saw himself in the mirror?

Nothing, cos cheese can’t talk. Cheese also doesn’t have eyes. And I just assumed cheese gender

2017-07-25T00:34:36+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
2

I realized what bothers me about the whole gender name debate. After 13 years of public education, it took a bunch of upset transsexuals to teach me what a pronoun is.

I realized what bothers me about the whole gender name debate. After 13 years of public education, it took a bunch of upset transsexuals to teach me what a pronoun is.

30

Two boys knock on a farmer’s front door …

One of the boys says, “Sir, we noticed you have a big field full of honeysuckle and we wondered if we could go get some honey.”

The farmer replied, “Well, boys, you’re welcome to try but you know you can’t get honey from honey suckle, right?”

“Just give us a shot!” they suggested. They returned and had 3 buckets of honey.

The farmer couldn’t believe it!

While the boys were going after the honeysuckle they noticed the farmer also had a large field full of buttercups so they asked, “Would you mind if we got some butter from that field?”

The farmer replied, “You boys know you can’t get butter from buttercups, right?

“Just give us a shot!”

Low and behold they came back with quite a load of butter and the farmer couldn’t believe it.

Later on after lunch, they came back to the farmer’s house and said “Sir, we noticed you had some pussywillow over in…”

The farmer cut the boys off and said, “Hold on, boys! Let me get my hat!”

2017-07-25T00:29:15+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
2

I’ve bent over backwards trying to teach people how to limbo.

I’ve bent over backwards trying to teach people how to limbo.

2017-07-25T00:28:17+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
0

A bear walked into a bar

The bartend said “HOLY FUCK!” and shot it in the face with a shotgun

2017-07-25T00:28:02+00:00 25.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments