A jump cable walks into a bar, the bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.
“Oh my gosh” she said to the second woman,
“i think that’s Adolf Hitler”!
“It can’t be”, the second woman responds,
“he killed himself 70 years ago”.
But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,
“why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler”?
The man looks up,
“indeed, i am Adolf Hitler”.
Both woman look at each other in shock,
“see”? says the first woman to the second,
“i told you that was Hitler”!
“My god you’re right”!
The second woman responds,
She turns her head to Hitler and asks,
“what are you doing here”?
“Well”, he whispers,
“i’m planning another mass homicide”.
“I’m going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen”.
“Why the 6 postmen”?
The two woman ask simultaneously
“Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews”.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No,” one of them says. “Heaven isn’t real.”
The one in the driver’s seat.
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
**Moral of the story**: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.
I was addicted to soap. I’m clean now.
I’ve just seen a three legged bird. Must be one of those stool pigeons.
They all died
Life is too short to read an entire-
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?
I haven’t put a thermometer near my scrotum recently but I’m pretty sure its hot as balls
A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.
The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, “You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I’m a lawyer! I’ll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!”
The cab driver sighs and says, “You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn’t realize you also lost your arm.”
The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, “My Rolex!”
“What’s inside?” I asked.
“It’s mindblowing!” the shop owner says.
So I opened the doll.
Suddenly, a high-intensity beam shot out of the doll, obliterating my brains.
Because my best friend is an arsehole when he’s drunk. Even if he was fucking drunk he should have known better. I was half unconscious for fucks sake and whenever I tried to move or get up you just shushed me back to sleep or chocked me into submission. You literally forced my mouth open to put your penis in it. And I’m never going to know half of what else you did because I was in and out of consciousness. I fucking trusted you more than anybody else in the world. Why could you do this to me, come on you know I was just getting over when my fucking cousin did it to me. You got me at my lowest possible fucking point fuck you. I’m not angry I’m just disappointed. And another thing you know I have a girlfriend too, you were messaging her the whole fucking time. ‘She’s a lucky girl’. ‘I just want to make her happy’. ‘I wet my finger lol’. ‘I am not responsible for what I do’. ‘I can’t stop’. So just fuck you man, I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your life. But I forgive you.
Um… I mean… Because she… uh.. wanted it.. or something?
We would have to define “you.” There’s a huge difference if I’m talking to each person in the subreddit or the subreddit as a whole.
There we were, left sans-sheriff
2 days later he died of internal bleeding.
It was mauled mercilessly by a spectacled bear a year ago when we were homeless and wandering the Amazon Rainforest.
When I got of high school in Brazil I couldn’t get into any colleges and was job-less. I fell into a severe depression and decided that my life was no longer living.
We came out of the forest running for our lives and now I am pondering my next life decision.
(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward”.
Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get their X-rays done?
This is a joke to tell your friends!!
Two gay guys live in a house. One night they’re bored so the one gay guy says to the other
“Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?”
So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says
“Oh! That’s the wooden spoon!”
The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.
“That’s the broomstick!”
Before the other guy runs off he says, “One more time and then it’s my turn!”
He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the…
(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can’t put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say
“Oh! You’ve play this game?!”
Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!
I hope you like it!
I think they should let transgenders to join the military. They could be an elite special forces unit.
We can call them X-Men
As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.
“No, no!” exclaimed the Pope, “I couldn’t possibly!”
The driver wouldn’t take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they went, leaving the pope-mobile and the bewildered security team behind.
“This is wonderful, the greatest car I’ve ever driven!” The Pope cried, as they wound through the city, going faster and faster. Eventually excitement got the better of him and he put his foot to the floor, racing over the Brooklyn Bridge, smashing the speed limit. All of a sudden, flashing blue lights popped up in his mirror and a police officer signalled to pull over.
The officer sauntered up the car and began to speak but stopped, gobsmacked when he realised who was driving the car.
“Jesus!” he cried, “Wait right here!” He stumbled back to his squad car and grabbed at the radio, calling back to the precinct.
“Sir!” he said to his boss, “I’ve just pulled over a VIP for speeding, I don’t know what to do!”
“Well who is it? The mayor?”
“No sir, way more important than the mayor!”
“Who then? Brad Pitt?”
“More important sir!”
“Well is it the president?”
“No sir, more important than the president!”
“Well who on God’s green earth is more important than the president of the United States?”
“I don’t know sir, but this guy’s chauffeur is The Pope!”
While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
“Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex.”
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,
“Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex.”
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,
“So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?”
The girl replies, “Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan.”
He was too hard on the gas
She’s not big enough for d shells.
If one trash is lit, what ia the other trash?
The fierce competition and commendable sportsmanship.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. “I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn’t go too well”, he sighed. “What happened?”, his buddy asked. “Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn’t jump.”
“What happened then?”, his buddy asked, concerned. “Well the jump sergeant – a massive, massive man – started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don’t jump right now, I’m going to pull down my pants and shove my 9 inch cock up your ass!”
His buddy asked “So did you jump?”
He replied “Well, a little at first.”
…he is immediatly hard to handle, running around and throwing things. So one of the adults decides a movie might help to calm him down.
They rent a horror movie and put it on for him. All is calm for about thirty seconds until the teenager starts making a ruckas again, they ask him why he is not watching the movie, “I doesn’t like horror movies cuz they is too scary” he says.
So they go out and get an action movie for him. Again, he only stays quite for about thirty seconds. They again ask him why he is not watching the movie. “I doesn’t like action movies cuz they is to violent.
By now both adults are very annoyed. One goes outside to take a break. The other says “Fine, i’ll get you a comedy, not too scary not too violent”
The adult outside hears the teenager go quiet. Thirty seconds later, he is suprised to hear laughter, hysterical laughter! The teenager is actually being entertained! The other adult walks in with a grin on his face. “What comedy did you show him?” he ask. “None, I gave him a mirror”.
To get to the other side.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Get rekt son u just got ur ass handed 2 u” before passing out and ultimately dying of blood loss
Until he found out it doesn’t stand for “Loans Given By The Qataris”
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
“Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?”
The professor replies: “I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late.”
The police officer says: “Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?”
The professor responds: “My wife.”
Because 7 had been bullying 6 mercilessly, both physically and psychologically, and their parents refuse to do anything about it (the mother is in denial about the whole situation, and the father can only respond with unhelpful fake-tough-guy clichés like “kid needs to grow a pair!” or “when I was his age, I solved my own problems!”)
I do not have a touchscreen.
Tea is for mugs
Except Man Island and Isle of Man
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”
God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”
Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
A young first officer asks his Captain,
“Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don’t seem to be getting better at flying?”
And the Captain patiently answers: “Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?”
“Yes, my sir, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it.”
“Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all these stupid things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft.”
Me in August, and her in November.
I’m from a small town so I used to be white trash but now I live in the city and consider myself to be very recyclable.
I’m from a small town so I used to be white trash but now I live in the city and consider myself to be very recyclable.