He was fucking nuts
Doctor: I don’t know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No, American.”
North Korea didn’t fuck up as many launches as EA
I can’t remeber.
Met a Moroccan Magician once that could pull a Rabat out of a hat.
Hear about the getaway driver from Senegal? Gethin Dakar.
I don’t know why…
This Fleetwood Mac GPS is terrible, it just keeps telling me to go my own way.
Tried to find “extinction” in the dictionary, but there’s no such thing.
It’s still an elephant, just severely handicapped due to the diminished dexterity.
A penny for your two cents?
Kentucky Freud Chicken – Muthafukin Good
So far I’ve got eight fridges
Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals a day.
The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why?
Because 3 was the root of the problem.
France surrenders, but Italy switches sides.
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don’t like the look of it
Oompa loompa doompety da
If you’re not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
Gum chewing’s fine when it’s once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it’s repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does
I know I’m a shitty gynecologist, but you don’t have to rub it in my face.
He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that
Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder
of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go
to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big
game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is
driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top
is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus.
She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since she was a child.
They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their
way to the front row, where he managed to get tickets. The two
watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by
bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown notices the young man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!”
The whole tent erupts with laughter at the young man, who is
absolutely humiliated. Even his date is laughing. He tries to hide his
anger, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But he spends the rest of
the evening fuming over the joke. He barely even notices that his
date kisses him good night when he drops her off.
That night, the young man is unable to sleep. Lying in bed, he can
think of nothing other than the clown. Why didn’t he say something?
Why didn’t he stand up for himself? He has no answers, and finally
falls asleep, dreaming of destroying the clown.
The next morning, the young man wakes up with a deep sense of purpose. Never in his life has he felt such drive. He will dedicate his life to getting back at the clown. He heads out the door, and
immediately enrolls in university, majoring in Comebackology.
The young man gives his classes everything he’s got. He quickly
rises to the top of his class, a star pupil. He wows his professors
during finals, and is even crowned Valedictorian upon graduation,
receiving his Bachelor of Science in Comebackology.
But he doesn’t feel ready. So he redoubles his efforts, and goes back
to school, continuing to impress the faculty. After an amazingly quick
year, he is awarded his Master’s Degree in Comebackology, the
fastest it has ever been awarded. […]
I think about how I’ll go one day too. I’ve struggled so much, endured so many hardships only to realize it doesn’t matter now. Maybe I should’ve made an effort to be happier, but does it really matter now? I’m just going to die anyway, just like them. Maybe I’ll never come up with an answer, but it won’t matter soon enough.
Nothing tomatoes can’t fucking speak
Because love means nothing to them.
I’ve made a grave mistake.
When the thief stole a calendar, he got 12 months.
And I noticed this policeman watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas! I saw her and thought, “Is this lady stupid or crazy?! With the cop right there too!”
I went inside and paid for my gas and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and saw that the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around like crazy!
I ran outside to help and saw that the cop had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee! Then he put handcuffs on her and threw her in the back seat of his car. I was thinking “What kind of idiot smokes when pumping gas?” But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cop what he was arresting her for.
He looked me square in the eyes and said … “Waving a firearm!”
Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone’s gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom.
One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, “How are we going to solve this problem?”. The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, “I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do.” Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. “What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land.” “That’s a wicked idea” said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army.
Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it – more land for all (including the goat).
At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, “Don’t worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We’ll continue after breakfast”. So they did.
They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn’t have so much beer. The king wasn’t taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. “AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH” he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding […]
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: “Today one more communist will die”
They make it safely to the other side because they’re careful and hair colour is no indicator of intellect or common sense.
My sex therapist is so fucking frigid!!!
I’ll start marking my calendar one of these days.
I’ve been a customer of his for 15 years and i didn’t even know he sold drugs
dr this is a bad antijoke pnr
No no . . . to whom.
Before I had a sex change, I always used to do drugs; now I’m Coleen.
The first blonde says, “Hey, look at that, deer tracks!”
The second blonde chimes in and responds, “No, Becky, those are moose tracks!”
The third blonde steps in and says, “You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!”
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
Except for an actual joke.
Does a train with no boiler pressure have low self-esteam?
He hops up onto a bar stool and the bartender, after regarding him for a bit, asks him “what can I get for you, duck”?
The duck says “I’ll have a negroni,” to which the bartender nods. He’s a good customer, and has been for a long time obviously, and they often engage in philosophical banter.
“Duck,” says the bartender, “you see that horse down there? I asked him ‘why the long face’ and it turns out his family was killed when lightning struck their barn and he can still hear their screams”.
The duck pauses and looks down into his drink, and after a minute, speaks “Bartender, his family is waiting for him in the next life, a place from which our vision is obscured due to a complex barrier of biological and logical puzzles we cannot pierce as physical beings.” He sips his drink, continuing “this life, as all things – including his pain – is transitory and we are all destined to be one in the great hereafter. Please send him a gin and soda and my regards”. The bartender asks, “should I…put it on your bill?”
Though he does have a running tab, the duck shakes his head, “no, today I’ll pay for this one in cash”.
I fell out with my vegan girlfiend and it was my fault, I falafel now.
But if you have a good reason not to, then I’m fine with it.
Due to the Mexican’s recent 2nd degree burns, the black guy is required to escort his peer to the nearest hospital for immediate medical attention.
He didn’t actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.
So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over “How’s the second-hand pussy?”
Quick as a flash that bastard replied “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”