New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

That’ll be counselling then for low impact CBT.

2017-07-26T21:00:36+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

I don’t think so, you don’t look like one.

2017-07-26T20:54:48+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Several years ago me and a few friends were talking when I ended the conversation with a funny zinger which made everyone laugh. “Jesus take the wheel,” I said and everyone burst out in laughter.

We were talking about my dear friend who had just died in a head on car crash.

I miss you, Jonathan. Rest in peace.

2017-07-26T20:05:33+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Hey girl, did you just fart?

Cause it sure smells like you just farted.

2017-07-26T19:55:16+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
19

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don’t want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

2017-07-26T19:54:40+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I’m so conservative, I won’t even use Progressive insurance.

I’m so conservative, I won’t even use Progressive insurance.

2017-07-26T19:54:34+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Did you hear about Apple’s merger with Puma?

Their first joint product is going to be iPuma pants.

2017-07-26T19:51:55+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

You may think I quit my job, but I actually fired my employer who is no longer allowed to work with me

You may think I quit my job, but I actually fired my employer who is no longer allowed to work with me

2017-07-26T19:25:07+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I don’t always tell dad jokes,

In fact, I rarely ever tell jokes in general.

2017-07-26T18:47:23+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
20

What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They’re both leaking tranny fluid.

2017-07-26T17:53:11+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
27

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won’t let me buy them beer.

2017-07-26T17:29:12+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
28

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’

2017-07-26T17:19:11+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

2017-07-26T17:12:04+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I don’t understand speech bubbles, they go right over my head.

I don’t understand speech bubbles, they go right over my head.

2017-07-26T16:44:32+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the best your mom joke?

I just got a call from the hospital. Your mom is dead. I’m so so sorry.

2017-07-26T16:31:49+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I’s first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

2017-07-26T15:39:12+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Gay recluse finally comes out.

Gay recluse finally comes out.

2017-07-26T15:08:17+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the man fall into the water catchment?

He was visually impaired.

2017-07-26T15:02:12+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
16

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

2017-07-26T14:53:49+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn’t, he’s an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 minutes.

2017-07-26T14:43:17+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

You think this is some kind of joke?

Yes.

2017-07-26T14:31:17+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Knock Knock.

Answer the door.

2017-07-26T14:15:34+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
16

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn’t know that she had a history of violins.

2017-07-26T13:24:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

There are two types of people,

Those who do and those who don’t.

2017-07-26T12:58:15+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

“Look! A flock of cows!”

“Look! A flock of cows!”

“Herd.”
“What was that?”

“Herd of cows…”

“Well of course I’ve heard of cows.”

There’s a whole flock of them right over there!”

2017-07-26T12:46:47+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
13

What do you call people with a penchant for choking.

Asphixionados

2017-07-26T12:23:15+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
13

I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going…

They replied, “Can’t complain.”

2017-07-26T12:07:54+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a Frenchman with a shovel in his hand, hiding out in a small British country town with his cousin because he is under investigation for tax evasion, recovering from mild hypothermia after falling in the lake and with around $3000 to his name which he intends to spend on a small car?

Doug (because of the shovel)

1

Babies are like horses

They bleed when you stab them in the ass.

2017-07-26T11:09:27+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
14

A painter’s patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-“Roof” said the client.

-“Ok” said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-“Where now?” Said the painter.

-“Roof!” Yelled the client.

-“I already painted there, tell me where to paint now…” Said the painter with little patience.

-“Roof!!” Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-“That’s it! This is the last time i paint a dog’s house!”

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

2017-07-26T11:02:31+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
31

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go

So the coffee gets up and leaves

2017-07-26T10:39:06+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I Never Knew Your Stepdad, Until I Married Your Mother

I Never Knew Your Stepdad, Until I Married Your Mother

2017-07-26T10:17:25+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
27

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What’s your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

2017-07-26T10:11:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I was so drunk last night

I had to call a cab to take me home

2017-07-26T09:27:23+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
22

A teenager is at his grandparents’ house

He’s staying for the weekend and it’s pouring down rain outside. He’s frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

“Looks like it’s raining a fair bit outside buddy, you’ll have to be stuck inside with us” he said, smiling softly.

His grandson rolled his eyes and shrugged his grandfather’s hand off his shoulder before responding bluntly.
“Tell me something I don’t know.”

The grandfather’s gaze shifts to the window as he clears his throat.
“Well, your grandmother can take my entire fist in her ass.”

2017-07-26T09:05:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
18

I broke up with my gym today…

…we just weren’t working out.

2017-07-26T08:58:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

2017-07-26T08:37:10+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

This kind of event happens daily all over the world.

2017-07-26T08:04:09+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
19

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn’t my favorite thing…

But it’s up there.

2017-07-26T07:55:19+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

People are like oranges

They’re easier to eat when their skin is peeled off.

2017-07-26T07:27:35+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

The liposuction Dr’s patience are wearing thin.

The liposuction Dr’s patience are wearing thin.

2017-07-26T07:09:15+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

Well, jelly is made of just the juices of the fruits, whereas jam includes the pulp and seeds too.

2017-07-26T06:52:17+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn’t. The farmer caught him before it could and cooked it.

2017-07-26T06:32:00+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

Trump has a heart attack ….

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” Trump said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go…!”

2017-07-26T06:26:45+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

What do you call a good looking cock?

Chicken

*Dicken would be a more fitting name though.

2017-07-26T06:22:19+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

2017-07-26T06:14:32+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Bobby was a rabbit. One day, he woke up in a bush. He made his way out of the bush and started to hop toward the nearest house he could find. As he arrives there, he realizes that he couldn’t get in because the door wasn’t open. Why wasn’t the door open?

Because it was closed.

2017-07-26T06:14:18+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
18

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

2017-07-26T06:12:08+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

What do you call a red-haired baker?

The ginger bread man

2017-07-26T06:08:59+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

2017-07-26T06:01:33+00:00 26.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments