New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

If I could describe myself with one word, it would be “rule breaker.”

2017-08-17T01:52:13+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

An apple a day

Keeps the hunger dorment for a short period of time.

2017-08-17T01:47:51+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

My wife told me she wanted to work for the Stalker helpline, so I said, “I’m right behind you.”

2017-08-17T01:45:00+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

I’ve been trying to tell people that the origin of racism isn’t so black and white

2017-08-17T01:38:49+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

When it comes to work, you should probably get your head down; unless you’re a male porn star.

2017-08-17T01:32:01+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

How to you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family

2017-08-17T00:42:04+00:00 17.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
20

Who did Matthew McConaughey blame in the protests in Charlottesville?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

2017-08-16T23:59:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
0

What is Stephen Hawking’s favorite bird?

I don’t know. Probably an barn owl or something…

2017-08-16T23:47:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is Stephen Hawking’s favorite bird?

I don’t know. Probably an barn owl or something…

2017-08-16T23:37:34+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
19

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

2017-08-16T23:35:02+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Christmas presents.

2017-08-16T21:03:23+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
32

My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.

That’s just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.

2017-08-16T20:36:41+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Apparently, neo Nazis have forgotten how powerful the Jews really are. Nine days from today, as a small reminder, we will blot out the sun.

Apparently, neo Nazis have forgotten how powerful the Jews really are. Nine days from today, as a small reminder, we will blot out the sun.

2017-08-16T20:32:44+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
17

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

2017-08-16T20:24:04+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
22

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish nobody can find.

2017-08-16T20:22:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
25

An older couple is getting married…

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, “What’s your opinion on sex?”

The bride says, “I prefer it infrequently.”

The man replies, “Is infrequently one word or two?”

2017-08-16T20:11:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

If a tree falls

If a tree falls

2017-08-16T20:04:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

If a tree falls and no one hears it…

…you know you’re about to hear a bad joke.

2017-08-16T19:56:24+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
45

My favorite joke about confederate statues

[removed]

2017-08-16T19:41:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What did Albert Einstein say when he saw the first atomic bomb detonate?

לאחר מספר שנים של עבודה קשה, עשינו את זה. יצרנו פצצה החזק ביותר בעולם. לכבוד הוא לי להיות חלק הישג מדהים זה ולאחל הצלחה לאמריקה בשאר מלחמת העולם השנייה.

2017-08-16T19:34:26+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Roses are black, violets are black,

Everything’s black, someone turned off the lights

2017-08-16T19:24:10+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A dinosaur, chef, and circus performer all walk into a bar, know what happens next?

Cause I sure as hell don’t.

2017-08-16T19:14:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
27

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, “I don’t even see them on the menu. What page are you on?”

2017-08-16T18:50:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

One of my Grandfather’s old jokes

Hey there, my Grandfather recently passed away. The man was known for his light-hearted personality and his love for either seeing the humor in all things and his love for jokes! Therefore, I have a few to share for you. They’re real zingers, I promise!

Three guys apply for a job at a construction site and go to meet the foreman. The foreman say “Alright, well I’d love to hire you all however we only have room to hire one person right now so I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Whoever can take one of those bricks over there and throw it the highest will be hired”.

So, the first guy whose looking fairly confident walks up, grabs a brick and kind of weighs it in his hand. He looks up, and tosses is as high as he can. It goes up about two and a half stories before coming down. He walks past the other two and confidently says “good luck beating that!”

So the second guy walks up, same thing, picks up a brick and looks it over and then tosses it up as high as he can. This time, the brick goes up about 3 and a half stories before coming down. He looks over to the other two man with a smirk and then steps aside.

The third guy is kind of scrawny and looks a little nervous, but he walks up to the pile and grabs a White brick. He takes that white brick, winds up, and tosses it as high as he can…and it never comes down!

Zing! My grandfather was a funny dude.

2017-08-16T18:49:57+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What do Dexter Manley and Floyd Mayweather have in common?

~~They can’t read.~~ They’re both black.

2017-08-16T18:07:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

A very sad day today

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckin’ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

2017-08-16T17:57:11+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

2017-08-16T17:53:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

Phlebotomists that can’t balance their budget are deep in the red.

2017-08-16T17:30:49+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks fine into an airport lounge…

When he walks out again, he’s halting. Why?

He put on leg on the knee so it fell asleep

2017-08-16T17:25:55+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, “Ok, you take care of the inventory”. Tells the Polish guy, “You take care of accounting” and tells the Japanese guy, “You take care of supplies.”

The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can’t find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.

After hours of searching, they still can’t find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams “SUPPLIES!!!!”…

2017-08-16T17:18:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
14

Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives.

2017-08-16T17:16:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

2017-08-16T17:12:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

His parents were born in Germany and he speaks fluent German. He’s been job hunting, and Volkswagen just offered him a very good deal for working for them as an upper-level manager. I thought it made total sense to move there for work.

2017-08-16T16:48:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
25

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You’d almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

2017-08-16T16:46:20+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he’s too short to be an essay

2017-08-16T16:16:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Yondu from guardians of the galaxy dies in volume 2 but….

nothing he really dies

2017-08-16T16:01:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
14

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard…

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

2017-08-16T15:53:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

2017-08-16T15:33:46+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
21

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: “What are waiting for Johnny?”

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What’s wrong Johnny, why did you stop at 5?

Johnny: “Because I feel so bad for 6!”

Teacher: “Why do you feel bad for it?”

Johnny: ” O-On the news this m-morning it said ‘6 died in major car crash'”

2017-08-16T15:21:22+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:59:14+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

A physical impossibility

2017-08-16T14:51:56+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

“Daddy, how do stars die?”

“When stars like our sun have used up their reserves of hydrogen, they have to rearrange their internal structures to burn other elements, such as carbon. Eventually they expand so much that they cannot hold onto their atmospheres, which blow off as planetary nebulas, leaving the stellar core behind. The stars then continue to shine for billions of years as white dwarfs. Stars that are much more massive than the sun experience far more violent deaths, exploding as supernovas and then collapsing under their own gravity to leave behind superdense neutron stars or even black holes.”, Daddy replied to the bemusement of his son.

2017-08-16T14:45:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:36:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

And then the teacher tells him to rub it off and that he will receive a detention if caught doing it again.

2017-08-16T14:30:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
11

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don’t buy it

2017-08-16T14:02:00+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Donald Trump, a Rabbi, the Dalai Lama, Tom Cruise, Vlad Putin all walk into a bar.

The bar is totally unprepared and there are lots of security issues.

2017-08-16T13:55:33+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you get if you mix a lobster and a fly?

Some sort of lobsterfly? Why would you want that?

2017-08-16T13:49:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
23

My wife says she’s fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she’s adamant she won’t move out before then.

2017-08-16T13:23:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers…

and says “Five beers, please.”

2017-08-16T13:01:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
9

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she’s seen, I try to comfort her: “There there…

it’s alt right”

2017-08-16T12:54:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments