New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Yondu from guardians of the galaxy dies in volume 2 but….

nothing he really dies

2017-08-16T16:01:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:59:14+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

A physical impossibility

2017-08-16T14:51:56+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

“Daddy, how do stars die?”

“When stars like our sun have used up their reserves of hydrogen, they have to rearrange their internal structures to burn other elements, such as carbon. Eventually they expand so much that they cannot hold onto their atmospheres, which blow off as planetary nebulas, leaving the stellar core behind. The stars then continue to shine for billions of years as white dwarfs. Stars that are much more massive than the sun experience far more violent deaths, exploding as supernovas and then collapsing under their own gravity to leave behind superdense neutron stars or even black holes.”, Daddy replied to the bemusement of his son.

2017-08-16T14:45:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Good guy Trump.

I honestly don’t know what you expected to see here.

2017-08-16T14:36:21+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

And then the teacher tells him to rub it off and that he will receive a detention if caught doing it again.

2017-08-16T14:30:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
11

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don’t buy it

2017-08-16T14:02:00+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Donald Trump, a Rabbi, the Dalai Lama, Tom Cruise, Vlad Putin all walk into a bar.

The bar is totally unprepared and there are lots of security issues.

2017-08-16T13:55:33+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you get if you mix a lobster and a fly?

Some sort of lobsterfly? Why would you want that?

2017-08-16T13:49:59+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
13

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers…

and says “Five beers, please.”

2017-08-16T13:01:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
9

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she’s seen, I try to comfort her: “There there…

it’s alt right”

2017-08-16T12:54:01+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
13

Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter…

A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says

“Maybe you will learn something.” So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks “Well, Johnny, did you learn anything today?”

“Yeah! A lot” said little Johnny. His mom says “Tell me about it, what did you learn?

“Well, its not easy to put up a door. You try to put the mother fucker up but that shit doesn’t fit, so you take it down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you put that cocksuckin bitch back up.”

Johnny’s mother, in shock, exclaims angrily “Johnny! That’s terrible! Just wait till your father gets home!”

A few hours later his father comes home and little Johnny tells him the same story. His father gets really upset and says “Johnny! Go out back and fetch me a switch!”

Little Johnny replies “Fuck you, that’s the electrician’s job!”

2017-08-16T11:52:07+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
14

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

2017-08-16T10:57:04+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Whenever I see a dwarf, I want to yell at them “I love you on Game of Thrones!”

Whenever I see a dwarf, I want to yell at them “I love you on Game of Thrones!”

2017-08-16T10:19:23+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
18

Hell

A man arrives in hell after having just been murderd by his wife for cheating on her with over a thousand other women.

The Devil arrives and greets the man. He tells him “as the one millionth arrival this month you get to pick the Hell in which you shall live out eternity. You will be shown five individual hells and you must chose one”.

The Devil leads the man to the individual hell chambers. At the first one the door opens into a chamber where an old, withered looking man is chain naked, spreadeagle to a wall and in front of him is a machine spitting acid globs at him, burning him slowly forever. The Devil waits for a moment then closes the door…”Next!” he says.

At the next chamber the door opens up to reveal a similar scene as the first; an old withered looking man is chained, naked and spread eagle to the wall but this time there is no acid spitting machine. Instead in this one oil is being poured onto the mans head in a slow steady stream, running into his eyes and covering his nose and mouth periodically. By the look in his eye this is clearly tortuous so and the man shivers and looks away…”Next!” The Devil says and then move on.

The 3rd chamber opens to a similar scene, an old man chained to the wall, naked and spreadeagled. There is no acid machine or oil here but instead, to the man’s surprise, there is a beautiful tanned blonde lady, naked, sitting at the chained up old mans feet giving him a blowjob. Unsurprisingly the guy chained up looks rather happy with his lot in hell.

The man at the door stares in disbelief and immediately says “This one”.

The Devil turns to him and says “Are you sure? This is the third of five. There are others from which you may choose.”

“I’m sure” says the man.

“OK” says the Devil who then turns back to the chamber and says “OK Lady, you’re done here. We’ve got a replacement for you”.

2017-08-16T09:43:15+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse…

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was close”

Fortunately, Bill was a horse and knew better than to run off a cliff, and so the cowboy’s ill-considered use of the word woah in this context had no negative repercussions.

2017-08-16T09:39:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
18

Diarrhea is hereditary….

….it runs in your jeans.

2017-08-16T08:35:10+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
15

Two Nuns..

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

2017-08-16T08:28:08+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Why can’t dinosaurs dance?

Because they’re dead.

2017-08-16T08:22:34+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Did you hear about the guy that wore only his boxers to his wedding?

Apparently he lost his tux.

2017-08-16T08:06:06+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

The bartender recognizes him as a regular but surprisingly he has a huge orange head.
“what the hell happened?” he asks.
“well I found a magic lamp on vacation and the genie inside gave me 3 wishes.”
The bartender’s eyes go wide.
“yep, my first wish was for twenty million dollars and bam! it was in my bank account. Then I wished to meet the love of my life, and the bam! I met my wife.”
The bartender laughed, “wow so those both sound great. What happened next?”
“well, for my third wish – and here’s where I think I messed up – I wished for a huge orange head”.

2017-08-16T07:47:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
2

Whats red and smells like blue paint?

A hotdog

2017-08-16T07:32:25+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

I told anti jokes around a family campfire and my uncle, u/hopjef , made fun of my anti jokes

Upvote this so that I can compensate for him calling me out (and catch up on our karma comparison)

2017-08-16T06:40:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
16

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side…

…only three more sleeps till Christmas.

2017-08-16T06:35:45+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What’s big and black and smells funny?

My pile of shit because I ate too much junk food yesterday.
Not a black man’s dick goddamn it.

2017-08-16T06:18:36+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

What’s a horse’s favorite condiment?

Mayoneiiighs.

2017-08-16T05:55:28+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

I like my coffee like I like my women

Without another man’s dick in it.

2017-08-16T05:40:53+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
19

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I’m going to be an iWitness at the trial

2017-08-16T05:40:05+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
29

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They’re efficient, and not very funny.

2017-08-16T05:33:38+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
36

I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present

Her face really lit up when she opened it.

2017-08-16T04:56:39+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

How do you chop a neo nazi’s dick off?

You just do it.
Believe in your abilities and you will succeed. Good luck.

2017-08-16T04:32:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Someone died a virgin today.

It was a messy miscarriage.

2017-08-16T04:26:35+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

How did the r/AntiJokes submission get over 200 up votes?

It was an actual joke.

2017-08-16T03:57:13+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
27

One day, a man from Minnesota decided to move down to Texas to follow his dream of becoming a train conductor.

On his first day on the job, he had brought a book with him to read. The book he brought to read was very interesting. So interesting, in fact, he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally hit an old lady on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over old ladies on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so the next day he went back to work. This time, he brought a different book to read. However, this book was very boring, and it put him to sleep. He was sleeping so deeply, he didn’t realize what was going on and accidentally hit a small child on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over small children on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And so the executioner said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, if the electric chair doesn’t kill you, you are to be freed.”

And so, he once again walked free. He went back to work, and instead of bringing a book, he brought a paddle ball to play with. However, as he was playing with it, it hit him in the head, knocking him out. Because of this, he couldn’t stop the train as it hit the mayor on the train tracks.

The next day, he appeared in court.

The judge said to him: “Now, I don’t know how things work up in Minnesota, but down here in the great state of Texas, you aren’t allowed to run over the mayor on the train tracks.”

And so she sentenced him to death by the electric chair.

The next day he was taken to the executioners office, and he strapped him in, and pulled the switch.

And nothing happened.

And finally, the executioner turned and said to him: “I don’t understand, why is it still not working?”

The man looked at him and said:

“I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

2017-08-16T03:45:42+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

V

Fuck

2017-08-16T03:41:08+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
1

The only thing I know about Catholic Churches

Is that I’m allergic to their incense.

2017-08-16T03:37:09+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

V

Fuck

2017-08-16T03:32:37+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
1

Why was the sand wet?

Because the ocean is made of fucking water.

2017-08-16T03:24:17+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
24

I’m 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model!

She’s in my basement, any suggestions?

2017-08-16T03:19:33+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

V

Damn

2017-08-16T03:17:51+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|0 Comments
22

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse…

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was *clo–*

2017-08-16T02:30:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
30

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption

One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.

Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.

Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, she sighs to her husband, “I wish I could see the other one, too.”

Her husband looks at her and says, “Well, honey, they’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal!”

2017-08-16T02:17:38+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

Bouncers won’t stand for nothing.

Bouncers won’t stand for nothing.

2017-08-16T02:12:19+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I’m quite fondue of Swiss cuisine.

I’m quite fondue of Swiss cuisine.

2017-08-16T02:12:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

I advise you to ignore unsolicited guidance.

I advise you to ignore unsolicited guidance.

2017-08-16T01:58:03+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
33

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

2017-08-16T01:42:55+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
30

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

2017-08-16T01:25:29+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Is an embarrassed ram sheepish?

Is an embarrassed ram sheepish?

2017-08-16T01:21:56+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
24

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There’s fewer Nazis over there.

2017-08-16T01:15:13+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

How does an ant move a piano?

How does an ant move a piano?

2017-08-16T01:09:18+00:00 16.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments