New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Does anyone know why chickens do this? Stupid bird ran out right in front of my car, didn’t even give me a chance to slow down. God, what a fucking mess.

2017-08-21T20:37:32+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

An underage weasel walks into a bar

The bartender: Sorry you’re underage, I can’t serve you alcohol

The weasel: That’s alright, I’m not looking for anything alcoholic

The bartender: Oh alright, well we have coffee, tea, smoothies, milkshakes, pop

“Soda” goes the weasel

2017-08-21T19:33:09+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

2017-08-21T18:34:51+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
0

(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

isn’t an equation and the results of every bracket aren’t connected at all.

2017-08-21T18:04:30+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

What did the anorexic have for dinner?

A troubling emotional disorder.

2017-08-21T17:58:12+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

I’m taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don’t be surprised.

2017-08-21T17:29:34+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What’s sad about 3 people driving off a cliff in a Mercedes?

I was planning on buying it from them.

2017-08-21T17:16:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
28

Well, funny story…

FOREWARNING: While the joke might seem antisemitic at first, it’s not really. Read it all.

A jew has a son, and when he’s 18 he asks him to go to Israel for a year. His son returns after a year, and claims he’s no longer jewish. He’s christian now.

The jew goes to his best friend (also jewish). “I sent my son to Israel for a year, and he returned and said he no longer was a jew. He said he was christian now!”.

His friend replies “Funny story. The same happened to me! Let’s ask our rabbi about this.”

So they go to their rabbi, tell him that BOTH their sons went to Israel for a year and returned, claiming to be christians now.

Their rabbi says “Huh. Funny story. I have a son too, he went to Israel and said he wasn’t a jew anymore, he was christian now. Let’s go ask God about this.”.

So they go and tell God that all their sons went to Israel as jews and returned claiming to be christian now.

God ponders and says “Well… funny story…”

2017-08-21T17:11:27+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
21

What’s Iron Man’s gender?

FeMale

2017-08-21T16:57:46+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What do you call a piece of bread in a toaster?

A toast

2017-08-21T16:54:59+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man walks into a bar

He comes home with a headache.

2017-08-21T16:41:51+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

You can get your asshole bleached and just tell people you changed your ringtone.

You can get your asshole bleached and just tell people you changed your ringtone.

2017-08-21T16:28:06+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
12

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

2017-08-21T16:27:01+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

I’ve been learning to guess the weight of dogs and managed to pick up a couple of pointers yesterday.

I’ve been learning to guess the weight of dogs and managed to pick up a couple of pointers yesterday.

2017-08-21T16:25:16+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

My grandfather hit me with a Kit Kat

It hurt

2017-08-21T16:19:18+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
15

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying “Disneyland left”

They went home crying.

2017-08-21T16:04:51+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
28

A book fell on my head…

I only have my shelf to blame.

2017-08-21T15:53:11+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
11

Jesus once said “He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword”

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

2017-08-21T15:45:54+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
11

3.14% of sailors are….

π-rates

2017-08-21T15:42:45+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

Why did the moon burp?

**Why did the moon burp?**

Because it was full.

**Why did the sun burp?**

Because it had too much gas.

**Why did the Earth burp?**

Over the past century, humans’ increased reliance on fossil fuels has spurred a dramatic rise in atmospheric carbon dioxide.

2017-08-21T15:42:45+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
31

You can use a colander to look at the eclipse

But be careful you don’t strain your eyes

2017-08-21T15:31:17+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

This is an antijoke.

This is an antijoke.

2017-08-21T15:21:12+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
10

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it!

2017-08-21T15:12:43+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
0

There’s nobody original in Australia, it’s just a bunch of wallabies.

There’s nobody original in Australia, it’s just a bunch of wallabies.

2017-08-21T15:08:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
15

A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes “What was that for?”

The Jewish man responds, “That was for Pearl Harbor.”

“Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese,” says the Korean man.

“Ah, Korean, Chinese, Japanese — you guys are all the same.”

Looking not to argue, they part ways.

Later in the night, the Korean man walks up to the Jewish man, and punches him in the face as well.

“Okay, okay, I get it — that’s fair. I punched you, you punched me, but what was that for?”

“That was for the titanic,” says the Korean man.

“The Titanic? That was an iceberg.”

“Yeah — Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg. You’re all the same.”

2017-08-21T14:53:13+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
1

I’m not going to say it again

I’m not going to say it again

2017-08-21T14:50:22+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
10

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

2017-08-21T14:41:49+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How do you keep a clown from laughing?

Smash him in the face with an axe.

2017-08-21T13:36:01+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
15

A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

2017-08-21T13:25:25+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

A man threatened an emo kid

The emo kid said “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”

2017-08-21T13:24:41+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

What is that ugly thing on your neck?

Oh…It’s your head.

2017-08-21T11:29:06+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
18

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

2017-08-21T11:08:27+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels

2017-08-21T10:12:50+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
22

A man was browsing Craigslist one day…

…when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. “It’s a prank,” he thinks. “Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/’toy Yoda’ thing.” Still, he’s not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.

He drives out to the address in the ad and it’s this big mansion, clearly owned by somebody who can at least afford a normal-priced Porsche. Waiting there is a little old lady who takes him into the garage; sure enough, inside is a full-size Porsche with barely a dent in it. He’s still wary, though; maybe the engine is broken in a way that can’t be repaired and doesn’t show on the outside of the car?

So he asks to take the car for a test drive, and it works like a charm. Finally convinced it’s no joke, he pulls back up to the mansion to give payment. As he’s doing so, he asks, “Listen ma’am, the Porsche is great and all, but why sell it for so cheap?”

The woman begins, “It used to be my husband’s, you see…”

The man’s face crumples, “Oh, I’m so sorry…”

The woman shakes her head, “No, he’s still very much alive. But he ran off with his secretary a few weeks ago, you see, and sent me a message…”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Sell the Porsche and send me the money.'”

2017-08-21T09:53:26+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
16

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

2017-08-21T09:34:34+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it didn’t have any legs.

2017-08-21T09:15:58+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
20

(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

And it was delicious

2017-08-21T08:08:45+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

“Knock Knock” “Who’s there” “It’s Atch” “Atch who?”

“Atch Anderson, the plumber you called for sir”
“Oh ya right, please come in.”

2017-08-21T08:07:03+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why do so many jokes here belong in r/jokes ?

There’s no punchline in serious what happened to this sub in a matter of days

2017-08-21T07:31:46+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

What did the sleepy cat say to the piñata pieces?

nothing

2017-08-21T07:12:55+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
29

A frog goes in to a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

2017-08-21T07:08:24+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
2

I know this is the antijoke sub, but I just had to share a real joke…

with my family earlier today. They thought its was funny.

2017-08-21T07:00:00+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
23

My doctor told me i had to stop masturbating.

“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because Im trying to examine you.”

2017-08-21T06:26:32+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
38

I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”

2017-08-21T06:25:26+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t practise circumcision.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t practise circumcision.

2017-08-21T06:03:36+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
3

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia…

She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

2017-08-21T05:39:59+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
3

What do you call road-tripping to the eclipse?

Going where the sun don’t shine.

2017-08-21T05:28:40+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
25

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I’m so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

2017-08-21T05:23:03+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
32

What a coincidence!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

2017-08-21T04:57:45+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

I like my coffee how I like my women.

I don’t like coffee, and I’m gay.

2017-08-21T04:41:19+00:00 21.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments