Sex at 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope .
I bought a fountain pen and now my notepad is drenched.
My life is upvoting please fall it apart.
It takes time for a clock to work properly.
A. Hold her head underwater for a few minutes. All humans need oxygen regardless of hair color.
I sniffed Tipp-ex and took Viagra and ended up with a really big correction.
Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don’t succeed…
We will, we will rock you!
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
The horse replies, “I just got laid off from work”
Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
The one he gets from his long lost love, until he reads deeper into it and sees that’s she’s leaving him for his brother, at which point the pirate walks the plank to his imminent doom
I’ve been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn’t even know he cut hair.
A lawsuit waiting to happen
Because love means nothing to them.
I mean, they elected one to be the president…
It improved my outlook.
Just one, men can be feminists too
Man walks into a butchers and says what’s happened to your apprentice butcher?
Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.
Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man
I’ve sacked her too, said the butcher.
“It’s ok because there is only two of us.”
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
I got embarrassed and left
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
SALE: 98% off on our book called “Shifting Stock.”
Tony: sure… y not
Ed Sheer ’em
Enough for the blacks to lose their voting rights.
I don’t know
I don’t need this “omg i cant drive a train” shit
Our band once had a Hungarian sound guy, and we had a Czech one too.
If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
He had no chance against the 5 of us.
MAKE IDIOCY THE SAME AS EVER
A brother in law
Me too thanks
He did not receive a haircut.
All types of thieves are bad, but bakery robbers really take the cake.
I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Rib bit 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Rib bit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, “Rib bit Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Rib bit 3 wood.”
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”
The frog replies, “Rib bit Las Vegas.
” They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Rib bit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Rib bit
$3000, black 6.”
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”
The frog replies,
“Rib bit Kiss Me.”
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
On average, approximately 5’6″ (or 167 cm). Though China is a big country and there’s considerable variation, particularly between rural and urban areas.
Incidentally, the term “Chinaman” might be considered somewhat racist nowadays; “mainland Chinese man” is probably preferable in this context, JFYI.
A reptile dysfunction.
“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”
All in favor to send psychology majors to North Korea to help King Kong Jon say “aye.”
When it comes to erectile dysfunction, failure is easy, success is hard.
When behind him he hears:
He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.
He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.
Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.
Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:
The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.
He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.
The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and…
The coffin stops.