Oh…It’s your head.
Grass, I lied about the wheels
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?
Because it didn’t have any legs.
And it was delicious
“Atch Anderson, the plumber you called for sir”
“Oh ya right, please come in.”
There’s no punchline in serious what happened to this sub in a matter of days
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
with my family earlier today. They thought its was funny.
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because Im trying to examine you.”
I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t practise circumcision.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Going where the sun don’t shine.
My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise
I’m so tired of these Dwight Supremacists
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’ This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!
I don’t like coffee, and I’m gay.
“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.
Nomatter how strong your faith, the light of god still causes cancer like any other radiation
The bartender says, “I’m sorry. I can’t serve underage weasels.”
The weasel says, “That’s fine. I don’t need something alcoholic. What else do you have?”
The bartender says “Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Because it had been reposted so many times, and the man no longer felt the need to express any joy through a laugh.
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.
You’re not even at the door. You can’t just say knock knock.
Due to the infinite nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.
Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.
I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately…
… She wasn’t inuit.
A couple having sex in the bedroom asked their son to stand on the balcony to keep him occupied and keep telling them what’s going on outside.
Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing and Michael is fucking his wife.
Dad: What? Is he doing it openly?
Son: No, I haven’t seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,
‘Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Anyone wanna be my blind date for the eclipse tomorrow?
You have my Word.
They’re just waiting their turn.
That hasn’t happened in like 38 years
A green train
…and an hour later comes out all drunk and stumbling, with a black-eye, a torn shirt and the owner shouting after him because he was caught drinking too much which he was not supposed to do at all because he was the bartender.
It will stop on a dime and then be the victim of brutal antisemitic remarks by American White Nationalists.
I SAID MAYBE
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
I couldn’t believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don’t know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.
Something in a language humans are incapable of understanding or speaking as it requires a unique physiology that only the aliens in question possess.
I guess it’s a German thing
After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I’d forgotten I had.
Mainly when I smiled.
It mixes a good amount of physicality, strategy, and skill into a fast paced sport
..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…
…but she’s gonna cost you.”
“Cost me what?” Adam asked.
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
Nothing. Bundles of sticks aren’t capable of talking.
Because that’s how humans evolved.