New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00

What did one alien say to the other?

Something in a language humans are incapable of understanding or speaking as it requires a unique physiology that only the aliens in question possess.

2017-08-20T20:01:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

Im gay and my favourite sport is football

It mixes a good amount of physicality, strategy, and skill into a fast paced sport

2017-08-20T19:47:09+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

What did the one huge faggot say to the other huge faggot?

Nothing. Bundles of sticks aren’t capable of talking.

2017-08-20T19:19:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because that’s how humans evolved.

2017-08-20T19:04:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

2017-08-20T18:59:48+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

2017-08-20T18:45:39+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

I like my coffee how i like my women

No pubic hair

2017-08-20T18:45:16+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

2017-08-20T18:37:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments

What makes a joke funny?

The punchline.

2017-08-20T17:41:35+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

2017-08-20T17:22:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I’m so glad they dug it up just in time

2017-08-20T17:12:01+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments

My girlfriend told me sex is better on holiday

It was the worst postcard I’ve ever received.

2017-08-20T17:04:49+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Two sausages in a frying pan; one says, “Blimey, it’s hot in here,” and the other replies, “ARGH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!”

Two sausages in a frying pan; one says, “Blimey, it’s hot in here,” and the other replies, “ARGH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!”

2017-08-20T16:57:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments

A trucker is driving his rig at night

He’s on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

“Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?”

“That’s a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm”

“Ah… are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?”

“I wouldn’t say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely”

“Ah, shit… I guess I just ran over a Nun then..”

2017-08-20T16:49:22+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

I don’t like telling jokes about Muslims.

A lot of them have a very short fuse.

2017-08-20T16:48:49+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock”. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

2017-08-20T16:44:55+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

2017-08-20T16:35:24+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

[Introducing girlfriend to my family]

Me : This is my girlfriend janine

Janine : Hi

Wife : What the fuck

2017-08-20T16:30:25+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

A man walks into a bar

His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

2017-08-20T16:29:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either.

2017-08-20T16:26:15+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Yo mama so fat

she should be concerned, because obesity and diabetes is a serious problem.

2017-08-20T16:22:18+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

Did you hear that some men can only get off by dangling their balls in boiling hot water?!?

Not my cup of tea, obviously…

2017-08-20T16:15:04+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments

Human person:Doctor,doctor!I can’t feel my legs!

Doctor human:well,that isn’t right…

(Only really makes sense if you know the original joke I guess)

2017-08-20T16:06:51+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?


2017-08-20T15:40:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

Two barbecue inventors met on the highway for a burn off.

2017-08-20T15:34:16+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow was taken.

2017-08-20T15:24:55+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

The teacher decides to teach multi-syllable words..

Hannah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Hannah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Hannah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Hannah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Hannah that’s a mouthful.” Hannah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

2017-08-20T15:14:50+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

I like my coffee like my slaves.


2017-08-20T15:05:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.

“It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick!

Spit’em out!

They’re assholes!”

2017-08-20T14:52:23+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

I knew how to relieve my itchiness from scratch.

2017-08-20T14:50:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

What do you call a Jew beside an oven?

A cook

2017-08-20T14:00:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

The flight attendant see’s a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!”

The Captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you before….You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time…please learn to respect the American President!”

2017-08-20T13:40:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

My wife is not exactly religious…

She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…

2017-08-20T11:47:32+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

One cannibal says to the other ” Damn ,this clown sure taste funny . “

2017-08-20T11:33:33+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

What did the man who hated children say to the annoying child?

Nothing. He remained silent even though he was annoyed, as getting angry in public would only embarrass him.

2017-08-20T11:15:57+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

Knock knock. Who’s there?

Child Protective Services. We’re taking your kids because you’re an alcoholic.

2017-08-20T11:02:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments

I love open minded people

Like JFK or Kurt Cobain

2017-08-20T10:32:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

I just found out the girl I’m dating is a Nazi

I mean I’ve heard of people discovering their date has a big red flag but usually it’s not hanging in their bedroom.

2017-08-20T10:29:37+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A white supremacist gets tested for diseases

So much for their “pure blood” claim, the only thing that came up negative was their IQ test.

2017-08-20T10:22:11+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A man with two fish taped to his hands

Walks in to the gym to start his morning workout, and immediately gets looks from everyone due to the fish on his hands. He pays them no mind however, and sits down in preparation for bench pressing. He asks a fellow gym-goer to put 311 pounds on each side of the bar. The helper is confused, as the man is skinnier than a toothpick. Slowly the helper lugs on enough weights to add up to the oddly specific 311 pound request. The man then rubs the fish on his hands together and lifts the immense weight near effortlessly, astonishing the whole gym, who had all turned their attention to him by that point. The strongest man in the gym walks over to the scrawny wonder, and asks; “That’s all good and well, but what’s with the fish?” The man responds “I don’t know”

2017-08-20T09:42:13+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The
next day, the man came with the empty bottle &
said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand & right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighbor’s wife &
daughter tried the same way..but could not open
the damn bottle.

2017-08-20T09:24:44+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

When ur alone what do u call the guy with dark skin who talks to u sometimes but isnt ur friend

Dat fuqin black dude

2017-08-20T09:12:50+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments

Where’s Russian milk coming from?


2017-08-20T08:49:08+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

Why did the white supremacist hate people of color

Because hate was taught.

2017-08-20T07:38:45+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

What do you call a black man in space

An astronaut

2017-08-20T07:30:34+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe

A Scottish boy stubbed his toe, so went to his big sister for help. He walks in, and his sister is reading a book about cell reproduction. He yells “Sis! I stubbed me toe!” She looks and says “What? Sorry I was busy reading. It’s really interesting! I doubt you know anything about cell reproduction.” The brother replies,
“My toe sis!”

2017-08-20T07:27:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says “Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there”. The old man looks at him and says “Well son, I am Jesus Christ”. “Jesus Christ?”, the young man replied skeptically. “Yes my son, follow me”, the old man said as he walked into the bar.

As he enters, the bartender turns around and says “Jesus Christ! not you again!”

2017-08-20T07:17:03+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

2017-08-20T07:14:12+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments

So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school


Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film


Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie

Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn’t exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid


(Everyone looks at the dad)

Mom: Well, he’s your son


2017-08-20T06:15:00+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments

What’s the difference between a female lobster and a bus stop?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

2017-08-20T06:04:21+00:00 20.8.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments