New jokes

New jokes 2017-07-10T16:03:02+00:00
1

I have an inferiority complex…

…but it’s not a very good one.

2017-07-22T07:19:18+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: Clean jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

It’s so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

It’s so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

2017-07-22T07:12:57+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
0

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That is all

2017-07-22T06:08:04+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

knock knock

“who’s there?”
say
“say who?”
who
“thanks”

2017-07-22T05:36:30+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
15

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I’ve given up reading completely.

2017-07-22T05:33:29+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
11

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

2017-07-22T04:45:08+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

My gf said if this post gets anal, she will try 1,000 upvotes.

My gf said if this post gets anal, she will try 1,000 upvotes.

2017-07-22T04:41:37+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
16

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

2017-07-22T04:22:21+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
12

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.

Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.

Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.

But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.

Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”

Curious, Attila did as he asked.

Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.

“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.

Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.

To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,

“Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

2017-07-22T03:35:02+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It’s a really obscure number. I doubt you’ve ever heard of it.

2017-07-22T03:23:36+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I bought some tires when Goodyear was having a bad year so now I don’t know what to ask for when I replace them.

I bought some tires when Goodyear was having a bad year so now I don’t know what to ask for when I replace them.

2017-07-22T02:50:59+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

A Jew and a German walk into a bar

Because they felt like having a drink

2017-07-22T02:46:13+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
24

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

2017-07-22T02:09:56+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
16

A lone sniper was just about to…

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President’s bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted “Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!”
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he
had shouted “Mickey Mouse”
‘I’m sorry” he said
“I meant to shout “Donald, duck!

2017-07-22T01:17:17+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Upvote this

Please.

I have nothing else to live for.

2017-07-22T01:00:41+00:00 22.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
18

My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car

2017-07-21T23:47:20+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

How do you get an elephant in a fridge?

Buy or construct an extremely huge fridge, then put the elephant in it.

2017-07-21T23:39:52+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Why isn’t marijuana legal in the US?

Because it is classified as a Schedule I controlled substance under the [Controlled Substances Act](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Controlled_Substances_Act)

2017-07-21T22:44:44+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
16

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

2017-07-21T22:32:09+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
0

Why did the man start running?

To run away from the inescapable mess known as “responsibilities” and “relationships.” This man doesn’t know it yet, but he is DOOMED.

2017-07-21T22:27:48+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I beat my kids like I beat my meat

Never. I have a living relationship with my wife, and we respect our children.

2017-07-21T22:11:15+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
27

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning…

Trump said “Pardon me.”

2017-07-21T21:41:27+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
39

I joined an alcoholism support group.

It was a total bait-and-switch; every motherfucker there was *against* my alcoholism!

2017-07-21T21:24:36+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
2

I just got fired from my job at the bakery, which is upsetting cause I really kneaded the dough.

I just got fired from my job at the bakery, which is upsetting cause I really kneaded the dough.

2017-07-21T21:16:16+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
2

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

2017-07-21T21:06:38+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
15

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar…

The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get outta here. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back into the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nice shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in. This could be a major development!”

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands au natural. Eventually the C sobers up, and realizes with horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations of the contrary are bassless.

The bartender then decides, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

2017-07-21T21:04:47+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

My penis was in the guiness book of world records…

But then the librarian kicked me out

2017-07-21T20:46:25+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
17

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

2017-07-21T20:41:28+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
23

I’ve recently developed an addiction to Viagra…

It’s been the hardest 3 weeks of my life.

2017-07-21T20:34:53+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
18

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes…

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.

The fisherman begins his tale. “Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod.”

“Let me stop you right there” says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I’ve heard it before.”

“No. It’s not a sex joke” says the fisherman.

The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.

The fisherman continues his tale. “There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish.”

“Wait a minute” says the bartender. “I think you’re in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street”.

“No. It’s not a prequel meme” says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. “One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said ‘Now I am sad’.

“Oh, come on!” said the bartender. “Hey, Sad. I’m neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don’t waste my time”.

“No. It’s not a dadjoke” says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. “The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes.”

The fisherman then asks “So, what did you think?”

The bartender, confused, looks up. “What? That’s it?”

The fisherman nods.

The bartender, now, is very confused. It’s OC, sure, but it doesn’t make any sense.

He scratches his head and asks a question “What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?”

The fisherman says “I can’t answer that here”.

The bartender asks “Why not?”

The fisherman replies “The reel joke is always in the […]

2017-07-21T20:20:12+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Why did the boy stop crying?

Because I hit him with a car that I stole from some old woman.

I’m now on death row, charged with first degree murder, irresponsible driving, driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs, driving without an MOT, driving without insurance and grand theft auto. They later found out I had also commited felony tax fraud and I had killed somebody’s entire family besides them, therefore adding 10 counts of first degree murder.

Give me ideas on what my last meal should be

2017-07-21T20:09:51+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are stranded on a desert island. They finally find a magic lamp from where a genie emerges to grant them three wishes.

After a long reflexion and many exchanges, they choose for first and only wish to obtain the genius’ magic powers. The three girls therefore become superior beings with infinite abilities that they use to solve all their personal issues as well as global ones. Some years later, they finally get bored and decide to explore other galaxies in search of a meaning for their lives.
Legend has it that ultimately they arrived at a black hole at the edge of the universe, and that by going through it, they emerged from a magic lamp on a desert island.

2017-07-21T19:58:56+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

2017-07-21T19:57:01+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
1

Being lead singer of Van Halen means there’s a 50% chance you’re Sammy Hagar.

Being lead singer of Van Halen means there’s a 50% chance you’re Sammy Hagar.

2017-07-21T19:41:51+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Netflix and chill is when the movie you’re not watching ends and there isn’t a dry thigh left in the house.

Netflix and chill is when the movie you’re not watching ends and there isn’t a dry thigh left in the house.

2017-07-21T19:24:33+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
1

Why did grandma put roller skates on her walker?

She has dementia.

2017-07-21T18:38:05+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
16

Two midgets go into a bar,

where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE.. UUHH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard-on.”
The second midget shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed”

2017-07-21T18:34:50+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
1

Knock knock

but nobody was home, and at that point, it was too late; he committed suicide later that day.

2017-07-21T18:32:41+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
1

I’m glad when I see bums holding bags of cans…

And looking through trashcans in the alley next to me. It means they’re not looking for food. It’s sadder if they’re looking for food.

2017-07-21T18:27:28+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: bad jokes|Tags: , , , , , |0 Comments
21

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me

2017-07-21T18:14:27+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

I was hoping that the low-budget rip off of Wonder Woman was going to be really good, but it ended up just being a woman staring distractedly out a window for two hours.

I was hoping that the low-budget rip off of Wonder Woman was going to be really good, but it ended up just being a woman staring distractedly out a window for two hours.

2017-07-21T18:13:05+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , , , , |0 Comments
26

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but also imaginary.

2017-07-21T17:57:37+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
20

Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”

The general replied, “All indications point to China.”

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”

The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”

After a small pause, yet another officer – from the back of the auditorium asked,
“Do we have enough Jews?”

2017-07-21T16:39:15+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , |0 Comments
17

What do you call a child with redheaded parents?

Ginger-bred

2017-07-21T16:15:23+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , |0 Comments
21

Why does Superman have a lower case “s” on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

2017-07-21T16:11:52+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
1

Rumour has it I’m a gossip.

Rumour has it I’m a gossip.

2017-07-21T16:09:13+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , |0 Comments
17

I’ve just fallen through the roof of a French bakery…

Now I’m in a world of pain.

2017-07-21T15:29:34+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments
1

Day 947 of my kid acting aggrieved that I told him to brush his teeth.

Day 947 of my kid acting aggrieved that I told him to brush his teeth.

2017-07-21T15:29:10+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: good one liner jokes|Tags: , , , , , , |0 Comments
17

Restaurant

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of ‘you know what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”
“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon.”

2017-07-21T15:20:19+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: |0 Comments
13

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
– You can make one phone call, but you’d have to pay for it, – says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who’s the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $100,000, – says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
– This call will cost you $1,000,000, – says the devil.
The network admin is the last one to call. He askes how are all the servers working, were there any problems and discusses every one of them in details. All in all it took him several hours to finish the call.
– This call will cost you $10.50, – says the devil.
-What? Why? How? – the king and the businessman resent, – He talked so much longer than we did!
The devil answers:
– There is no charge for roaming when you call from hell to hell.

2017-07-21T15:14:17+00:00 21.7.2017|Categories: jokes|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments